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I'm in my 32s with my first pregnancy and considering adoption. Here is my situation, I came from a very conservative middle class social background. My parents are divorced, my father was remarried recently, my mother was a single mom of four children and she also not looking forward in raising any more child and still couldn't take the disappointment of my unwed pregnancy well. ( She is a very high expectation and conservative kind of mother ) I m working in health care industry and used to be more financially stable 2 years ago when I was working full time. But I'm now doing full time post-grad study in this very competitive field ( got paid from study but very little comparing to time consumed and all the night shifts and calls ) and also paying for my home loan with my family support . So I'm actually depending on my family financially. Now I'm taking a year off from my study b/c so much stress I afraid that would ruined my career . I really freaked out when found out I was pregnant cuz I never that motherly type and not ready to be one. Due to my family background I strongly against single parenting for a child, unlike some single friends my age who desperately want to have children so much before theirs biological clock ran off. I know that in a few years I will be more financial stable but still not that great and not up to the standard I expect myself to provide for my daughter, like private school, extra curriculum study and most important quality time with her, etc. Although I felt so miserable through out the pregnancy especially now at 8 th months and never excited to be mother, I know I love my child and wanted all the best for her. I have been reading those post for a while and find many birth moms morning in agony but also find a lot of miserable single moms while google along ( some even resent their child ) Please all birth mother, please tell me if you felt you have make the right decision? And if you were able to achieve your career path and fulfilled life not just surviving it and still copping with the feeling of abandoning your child? I realize grief and sorrow are part of relinquishment from your child but do you feel you are making right decision anyway? Or regret it? Please tell me if you finally healed emotionally and how did you manage to overcome the sorrow. How long after adoption ? I know these question may sound too hash but I really need to find out before making final decision. I really can't discuss this issue with anyone around me. No one I know was ever in this unwed and unplanned pregnancy situation. My mother keep screaming and upsetting herself every time I bring up this subject. I only have my therapist to talk to without any prejudgement comment but he also admitted that he is not very familia with adoption cases. P.S. I live in the country where adoption is not well spread and not well organized. If you want your child to be adopt you usually need to put them in orphanage home first and someone will pick up your child or just live there until the child grow up and be labeled as poor opportunity child. You will never be able to know who adopt your child. But in my case I do private adoption and select this couple myself. In my country women with unwanted pregnancy usually have only 2 choices, illegal abortion ( yes, I said illegal abortion because it still is but thanks to many organizations trying to make it legal now so women have more choices ) or single parenting but also poor law enforcement on child support. Apologize for poor English.
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Susie703, I saw your post asking how long it takes to heal from giving up your child?I am a male adoptee, adopted in a different era. From the discussions I've had with many b-moms 2 things have come out, regardless of a re-union in terms of whether or not they have re-united.In chatting with b-moms, I asked, if they were ever able to forget about your child and simply get on with your life? All said no. They never forgot about their child. All the b-moms indicated that the part of forgetting about their child and getting on with their lives was mythology, it was simply not true.I ask if they regretted giving them up regardless of the circumstances? All of them said yes. Some of the b-moms I chatted with had been in re-union a long time. I asked if they were able to get over giving up their child (children) and feel as tho they had healed. All of them said no.Most said that regardless of a re-union, in terms of who found them or how the re-union came about, they still had regrets about giving up their children, even tho the adoption had occurred a long time ago, and even with re-union there were still feelings of regret.Most said that losing their children was not something they could forget and even in the face of the most successful re-unions, it was not possible to make up for the time they had been away from their children.All the b-moms I chatted, indicated that regardless of the time since the adoption event took place, they still felt unhappy that it had happened.These are just answers i got from b-moms when we chatted about adoption, but it might be helpful if you queried a lot of b-moms in terms of your concerns and get first hand what their feelings may be.I wish you the best.
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I didn't read everyone's response. I'm an adoptive parent but I'm going to weigh in here.You are talking about a very permanent response to a temporary situation. I know many birth moms regret their decision, especially when it was a temporary situation that had the potential to change.If you place your child, there's no guarantee the family will continue to be financially stable. There could be another recession, they could lose their jobs, get divorced. All the things facing you now, could face them 6 months from now, 5 years from now too. No one is immune.In the end, how much money a child grows up with isn't what creates that child's happiness or sense of identity. They can have all the money in the world and not be happy. On the other hand, some of my favorite memories are from times when money was tight.I spent a lot of my childhood with a single mom who worked hard to make a life for us. She never got child support. We had some really tough times. I remember having a "working woman's breakfast" of a boiled hotdog and a scrambled egg. I didn't realize it at the time, but it's because it's what we had. There were many times we at spam or something that maybe rich people think is crap. But we were together during those years. We learned to depend on each other. I remember her teaching me to dance in the living room of our apartment. I remember when she bought her "freedom" furniture after we left my abusive ex step dad (also my adopted dad). It was hideous. But she loved it because she bought it herself. I remember when I got in trouble at school, she brought home a cake and acted like we were celebrating so that my exstep dad wouldn't know I got in trouble. (we had our discussion about it later without him).I remember her telling me it was her and me against the world. And it was.I remember coloring with her on Christmas Eve. It was what we always did. I don't remember my gifts. I remember the things we did together.I remember going to lunch with my mom and my friends in high school and my mom making everyone laugh with her corny humor. I remember playing word games with her at home and getting silly and giggling over the stupidest things until we cried.All of these memories, which mean so much to me, happened when we were struggling financially, sometimes even living with her parents. But in spite of the struggles, I always knew she loved me. I learned to find joy in the simple things. Christmas is my favorite holiday - not because of the gifts, but because that was when we spent time together as a family - extended and immediate. We laughed, we cried, we took care of each other.Struggling financially isn't the end of the world. It happens to everyone. And it doesn't make you an unfit parent. Sometimes the best lessons we learn happen when we don't have extra money to spend. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. I hope you find peace and strength with whatever choice you make. And I hope you can make your own choice, unpressured by those around you.
I didn't read everyone's response. I'm an adoptive parent but I'm going to weigh in here.You are talking about a very permanent response to a temporary situation. I know many birth moms regret their decision, especially when it was a temporary situation that had the potential to change.If you place your child, there's no guarantee the family will continue to be financially stable. There could be another recession, they could lose their jobs, get divorced. All the things facing you now, could face them 6 months from now, 5 years from now too. No one is immune.In the end, how much money a child grows up with isn't what creates that child's happiness or sense of identity. They can have all the money in the world and not be happy. On the other hand, some of my favorite memories are from times when money was tight.I spent a lot of my childhood with a single mom who worked hard to make a life for us. She never got child support. We had some really tough times. I remember having a "working woman's breakfast" of a boiled hotdog and a scrambled egg. I didn't realize it at the time, but it's because it's what we had. There were many times we at spam or something that maybe rich people think is crap. But we were together during those years. We learned to depend on each other. I remember her teaching me to dance in the living room of our apartment. I remember when she bought her "freedom" furniture after we left my abusive ex step dad (also my adopted dad). It was hideous. But she loved it because she bought it herself. I remember when I got in trouble at school, she brought home a cake and acted like we were celebrating so that my exstep dad wouldn't know I got in trouble. (we had our discussion about it later without him).I remember her telling me it was her and me against the world. And it was.I remember coloring with her on Christmas Eve. It was what we always did. I don't remember my gifts. I remember the things we did together.I remember going to lunch with my mom and my friends in high school and my mom making everyone laugh with her corny humor. I remember playing word games with her at home and getting silly and giggling over the stupidest things until we cried.All of these memories, which mean so much to me, happened when we were struggling financially, sometimes even living with her parents. But in spite of the struggles, I always knew she loved me. I learned to find joy in the simple things. Christmas is my favorite holiday - not because of the gifts, but because that was when we spent time together as a family - extended and immediate. We laughed, we cried, we took care of each other.Struggling financially isn't the end of the world. It happens to everyone. And it doesn't make you an unfit parent. Sometimes the best lessons we learn happen when we don't have extra money to spend. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. I hope you find peace and strength with whatever choice you make. And I hope you can make your own choice, unpressured by those around you.
dmariehill, thank you for posting your thots.The sharing of your relationship with your mom brought about a deep longing and a wish that I had known that kind of a relationship. It touched me deeply.I was an adoptee and thru the years as I discovered more of the lifestyle I lived with my adopted parents, it became clear that I was not only an "outsider" but also only a servant. All my relationships within that a-family were built on that. Money was not something I could ask for, it was given in a meager form so that I never had enough.There has always been a feeling that I am an island -- detached from people, only because I am not an equal. When I acted out, it was unknown to me that this was related to grief and loss. When you are an adoptee, you know you have gaps in your head, but can't define or fix them. They are like a black hole that lurks, but is never able to be identified. I knew what my responsibilities were because I had been reminded of my status so that I knew my place. Over the years, this has gradually become less and less, so I know there has been healing.In short, your post, brought to mind how much I missed living with my a-parents. I always accepted my "outsider" status, and when I found the freedom to leave to begin a life of my own, it was the right thing to do. Again, thanx for sharing. It helps a lot to hear adoptee stories.I wish you the best.
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"I ask not for lighter burdens but for broader shoulders." - Jewish Proverb "Do not regret the fight. Pity those that never knew the privilege of it." - Unknown. I so agree with the above statement that adoption is so often a band-aid for a temporary problem.I also would caution you to understand that adoption does not wipe out struggles and suffering. Often it simply trades one issue for another. For instance, you feel that your child might be better being adopted because you can't currently do things like afford a private school and you are very busy. But what about the struggles that many many adoptees feel on a daily basis? The constant wondering about themselves? About why they were given up? Feelings of being unloved and unwanted. Sometimes lifelong questions about identity and an inability to ever really 'find themselves' or fit in anywhere. When you compare the two, is a private school education really better than that? As others have said, just because a family passes a screening now doesn't mean they won't have issues 2, 5, 10 years after the adoption is finalized. I'm not trying to scare you but just share my own experiences as an adoptee. My [adoptive] parents passed all the government screenings. They divorced ten years later (when I was 13) after a prolonged period of misery for everyone. My [adoptive] father was an alcoholic and abusive and also smoked marijuana. My [adoptive] mother is a neurotic and an undiagnosed bipolar narcissist with a lot of unresolved personal issues who recently admitted that she'd never actually intended to have children and he'd essentially talked her into it. I think I struggled more and had less in my 'shiny new' adoptive family than I would have had I been left with my biological parents. It certainly didn't save me from abuse, from being raised by a struggling single mother and that on top of all the post-adoption identity and self esteem issues. Obviously my story is just one of millions. For many adoption is wonderful. I can only speak on my experiences. I'm now a mother to a wonderful nine year old who I had at 19. We struggle every day. I can pretty much guarantee that I have an iota of the money you do, not to mention not the education either. But I would never give my son up for adoption and risk him going through the same experiences that I have. We've had to make sacrifices, but he'll never have to worry or wonder if I loved him. He hears it from me every day. He'll never have to spend countless hours on google trying to find his identity and family. He'll never have to worry about "adoption reunion" and potential rejection. He'll never have to wonder if he has siblings and if I kept them and why them and not him. He'll never be denied his original birth certificate (standard practice post-adoption in many places still, sadly). He'll never be denied or unable to access his medical history. Is the fact that we struggle a bit for money any real comparison? Not to me and I think (and hope) not to him either. Only you can decide what the right decision is for you. I generally don't believe any decision in regards to parenting (adoption, abortion, etc) done out of fear to be a good, educated or right decision for anyone.
dmariehill
I didn't read everyone's response. I'm an adoptive parent but I'm going to weigh in here. You are talking about a very permanent response to a temporary situation. I know many birth moms regret their decision, especially when it was a temporary situation that had the potential to change. If you place your child, there's no guarantee the family will continue to be financially stable. There could be another recession, they could lose their jobs, get divorced. All the things facing you now, could face them 6 months from now, 5 years from now too. No one is immune. In the end, how much money a child grows up with isn't what creates that child's happiness or sense of identity. They can have all the money in the world and not be happy. On the other hand, some of my favorite memories are from times when money was tight. I spent a lot of my childhood with a single mom who worked hard to make a life for us. She never got child support. We had some really tough times. I remember having a "working woman's breakfast" of a boiled hotdog and a scrambled egg. I didn't realize it at the time, but it's because it's what we had. There were many times we at spam or something that maybe rich people think is crap. But we were together during those years. We learned to depend on each other. I remember her teaching me to dance in the living room of our apartment. I remember when she bought her "freedom" furniture after we left my abusive ex step dad (also my adopted dad). It was hideous. But she loved it because she bought it herself. I remember when I got in trouble at school, she brought home a cake and acted like we were celebrating so that my exstep dad wouldn't know I got in trouble. (we had our discussion about it later without him). I remember her telling me it was her and me against the world. And it was. I remember coloring with her on Christmas Eve. It was what we always did. I don't remember my gifts. I remember the things we did together. I remember going to lunch with my mom and my friends in high school and my mom making everyone laugh with her corny humor. I remember playing word games with her at home and getting silly and giggling over the stupidest things until we cried. All of these memories, which mean so much to me, happened when we were struggling financially, sometimes even living with her parents. But in spite of the struggles, I always knew she loved me. I learned to find joy in the simple things. Christmas is my favorite holiday - not because of the gifts, but because that was when we spent time together as a family - extended and immediate. We laughed, we cried, we took care of each other. Struggling financially isn't the end of the world. It happens to everyone. And it doesn't make you an unfit parent. Sometimes the best lessons we learn happen when we don't have extra money to spend. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. I hope you find peace and strength with whatever choice you make. And I hope you can make your own choice, unpressured by those around you.
Drywall
Susie703, I saw your post asking how long it takes to heal from giving up your child?I am a male adoptee, adopted in a different era. From the discussions I've had with many b-moms 2 things have come out, regardless of a re-union in terms of whether or not they have re-united.In chatting with b-moms, I asked, if they were ever able to forget about your child and simply get on with your life? All said no. They never forgot about their child. All the b-moms indicated that the part of forgetting about their child and getting on with their lives was mythology, it was simply not true.I ask if they regretted giving them up regardless of the circumstances? All of them said yes. Some of the b-moms I chatted with had been in re-union a long time. I asked if they were able to get over giving up their child (children) and feel as tho they had healed. All of them said no.Most said that regardless of a re-union, in terms of who found them or how the re-union came about, they still had regrets about giving up their children, even tho the adoption had occurred a long time ago, and even with re-union there were still feelings of regret.Most said that losing their children was not something they could forget and even in the face of the most successful re-unions, it was not possible to make up for the time they had been away from their children.All the b-moms I chatted, indicated that regardless of the time since the adoption event took place, they still felt unhappy that it had happened.These are just answers i got from b-moms when we chatted about adoption, but it might be helpful if you queried a lot of b-moms in terms of your concerns and get first hand what their feelings may be.I wish you the best.
The loss of my child was devastating to me. I have never fully recovered and the impact of the decision forced on me by others completely changed me. I am two years in reunion with my son and while the damage has somewhat softened, it is still hard. I had always hoped that since I had to go through this, maybe he would have received a better life than with me. Wrong. I don't wish to go into details, but he was put through way more with them than he ever would have been with me. He is now 37 and they still treat him like a servant child. He has told me this is the first loving real-parent relationship he has had, with me. And, he calls me "Mama". Not mom, not mother, "Mama" That ought to tell you something. He suffered from identity issues, anger issues and severe depression from the time he was 13 years old. You are 32. I was 17. You have the maturity to do this. Is it a big adjustment to raise a child? Yes. But, you won't forget about relinquishment and the associated guilt. Any way you look at it, you are already a "Mama". Just because you hand your child off to others doesn't make that go away.
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Amyamy24, in answer to your questions I'll try to be brief. My story begins in another era. It was an adults world, and children were to be " seen, but not heard."My adoption start was ruff. I was left in a home for unwed mothers until I was sold into adoption after 5 months.There was a lot of abuse in terms of feeding and sanitation within that home. Physically, I was not in very good shape, but since I was only a replacement child for a child that had died 6 months before I was born, it didn't matter that I was in relatively poor shape. My adopting parents accepted what they got.I became a slave. Abuse at all levels was never ending. There was no extended family. There was 1 conversation about being adopted, nothing else. It gave me my place within that family - tainted, and suspect, as well as an "outsider."For 30 years I tried to be perfect. To anticipate needs and be the good adoptee, but it didn't change anything.In the end, I called my adopting family together to tell them that the slavery had ended. I wanted a better life but also knew that I would have to heal and provide the better life I wanted. No one would help.They were stunned that a slave could share his feelings for change.Once I said good bye, I never looked back. In those days I knew my place. I was not an equal, only a servant and some one who should be happy for being adopted. In their eyes, I had been saved from the dark side of adoption. In actuality. I had only traded one life style for another. I had to pay for decisions made before I was born.What I know now, is that we as adoptees, regardless of how we came up, have to find the courage to heal, andmake a better life.Have I healed? Yes, the healing has come along way. I will never completely forgetthe abuse and how hard I tried to be a part of a family where i remained an "outsider" always looking in.I wish you the best.
Amyamy24, in answer to your questions I'll try to be brief. My story begins in another era. It was an adults world, and children were to be " seen, but not heard." My adoption start was ruff. I was left in a home for unwed mothers until I was sold into adoption after 5 months. There was a lot of abuse in terms of feeding and sanitation within that home. Physically, I was not in very good shape, but since I was only a replacement child for a child that had died 6 months before I was born, it didn't matter that I was in relatively poor shape. My adopting parents accepted what they got. I became a slave. Abuse at all levels was never ending. There was no extended family. There was 1 conversation about being adopted, nothing else. It gave me my place within that family - tainted, and suspect, as well as an "outsider." For 30 years I tried to be perfect. To anticipate needs and be the good adoptee, but it didn't change anything. In the end, I called my adopting family together to tell them that the slavery had ended. I wanted a better life but also knew that I would have to heal and provide the better life I wanted. No one would help. They were stunned that a slave could share his feelings for change. Once I said good bye, I never looked back. In those days I knew my place. I was not an equal, only a servant and some one who should be happy for being adopted. In their eyes, I had been saved from the dark side of adoption. In actuality. I had only traded one life style for another. I had to pay for decisions made before I was born. What I know now, is that we as adoptees, regardless of how we came up, have to find the courage to heal, and make a better life. Have I healed? Yes, the healing has come along way. I will never completely forget the abuse and how hard I tried to be a part of a family where i remained an "outsider" always looking in. I wish you the best.
Thank you all for advice . I know financial problem is temporary but I also feel I'm not ready to be mother. I mean all the sacrifice of a mother and to admit that I'm unwed single mom , all the embarrassment. I know it's sound so selfish. Every time my friend call me mommy or make baby names, I feel myself screaming No!! inside. ( She is one of a few people i told about this and actually very supportive, she is the one who always want to have a child but also not married and has infertility problem. ) I freak out every time she baby talk to me. Now at 38 weeks, I feel even more stressful, about delivery , decision on putting her for adoption or single parenting. Looking at baby stuff in department store, I feel depressed . Sometime I thought I might go crazy and feel the future is so dark for me. Is it normal for near term pregnency to feel that? I now , seek all kind of therapist such as hypnotherapy, psychiatrist counseling, Reiki healer. After session I feel a bit better but to closer to due date the more stressful I feel.
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I am an adoptive parent of a 17-month old girl so my input may be different than every else's. Our birthmother chose us to be the adoptive parents and we maintain a good friendship. We keep in touch online through Facebook and email and even met her a few weeks ago for dinner. We only know what our birthmom has shared with us but I think she would have had support if she had chosen to parent and I know that she would have been a GREAT mother. I just don't think that she was emotionally ready. I think that if you are not emotionally ready to be a parent then adoption would be a good choice. You don't need to have any other reason than that. I don't know how our birthmom is coping now, other than what she tells us. She says she is doing fine but deep down she could be suffering from depression that she doesn't want to talk to us about. Does she regret her decision? I don't know. Will our daughter grow up with emotional issues because she is adopted? We hope not. We will raise her to try to be a happy person and to love the life that is given to her, instead of constantly wishing for a different one. I grew up in an abusive household and I spent years wishing I was someone else. I was consumed by it and I don't want our daughter to feel the same way. Whatever you decide, you will become a mother and will always be a mother. Adoption never changes that.