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[INDENT]I am the spouse of a Birthfather we are one year into reunion and now have noticed a pullback on Birthdaughters part, should we probe on why she is pulling back to keep communications going?....or just give her some space and just wait. the silence on her part seems unnatural all of a sudden.She has said so many times in this last year how Important it was that staying in contact was to her, and pleaded with us not to let what happened between her and B-mother, happen again, as she said she could not take it all over again. her B-mother who she contacted first several years ago, has not been very responsive over the years and it has really hurt Birthdaughter very deeply, so much in fact that she could not bring her self to contact Birth-father until just recently for fear of more rejection. we are not sure if she's angry about something or sad or just bored and needs a break from us or what? she does not say.she is pretty much ignoring all our attempted contact now.At one point my Husband told her it would be better if she started sending her e-mails to our home instead of his job and thats seems to be when communication on her part stopped. Her letters were starting to get to be much more emotional ...instead of the light & newsy kind they had been. we had given her both emails in the beginning........and at first she mainly wrote to our home with an occasional " thinking of you " e-card or email to his job....but then they ended up all going to his job and started to get very intense. the computers are shared at work and he also does not have time to answer those types of letters there, and is a slow typer and was really having a hard time with it all.but now since he asked her to write to our home instead, she seems to have stopped writing altogether, and now rarely even calls.were not sure if "that" ( his request ) made her angry or hurt her feelings or what, but thats when she pretty much went silent as we now look back.. we thought everything was going real well, we all seemed to have a real nice rapport, but now all we know is something is different on her part and she won't say what.We have sent emails, ecards & pictures, over the internet and she always used to respond to them happily & quickly and thank us, but now total silence.[/INDENT]
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Looks aren't everything. I don't think his bdaughter looks like him but that doesn't mean much. It's nice to know you can be sure. Unlike even 20 yrs ago. Crazy, huh? Maybe we can get on Maury Povich, lol. I doubt that her pulling back has everything to do with how you handled Christmas. It sounds like they have been having money trouble for a while and that in and of itself causes and is caused by other problems. I am trying not to blow the whole thing out of proportion so I can function for our nuclear family with out being an emotional mess. Did your children know about her before they met her, did they know of the possibility? Do you think she is possibly jealous of them now?
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Momof4or5 and Rainmon, can I get your insight into something? I've read this whole thread and have really learned alot about the life of the birthfather. I was hoping you could shed some light on things for me.
Here's the cliff notes: My bfather was seperated from his FIRST wife when my bmother got pregnant with me. His FIRST wife also got pregnant that same week (so not sooo seperated). My bfather and bmother decided to put me up for adoption and not to tell his FIRST wife or their children about me. 18 years later, my bfather is divorced from his FIRST wife and he calls my bmom and asks if I want contact. My bmom who is not in contact with me at the time tells him to stay away from me. Bfather remarries SECOND wife. They have a child together. I am now in a great reunion relationship with my bmom. I started asking her about my bfather a year ago. She jumped the gun and contacted him to inform him of my interest in him. He responded to her well... promised to get back to her soon with an address where I could mail a letter. He also mentioned that his CURRENT wife does not know about me (neither does any of his children) but said that he wanted to do right by me and didn't want me to get hurt at all. Months went by no address for a letter. My bmom has requested one 5 times from him now. I told my bmom to let me handle things myself.
SO, wanting to take my bmom out of the equation (never having wanted her in this equation in the first place) I called his cell phone yesterday. I didn't think he would ever call her back with an address and felt like sending a letter to his home would really make things bad for him. He answered. We talked for 39 seconds. Long enough for me to get the idea that he is MAD at me and that he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I asked him if my number came up on his caller id and he said yes. I said he could call it any time if he changed his mind. He hung up on me.
I am really confused and suprized as he had indicated such different emotions concerning me to my bmom when I was 18 and to her on the phone the 2-3 times they talked about me earlier this year. I know that my timing could have been awkward for him but he has now had a full day to get 10 min alone to call me back if he wanted to but hasn't...?
Any insight?
Hi Stephanie, your B-dad sounds like he reeeeally has his hands full right now......and patience will be your only friend at this time. he is going to have to find the right moment to tell his current wife, and that could take awhile. so if you want to be in his life in the future, you will have to respect his life as it is now... and give him the time he needs to introduce the idea of "you" to his family. He knows your number....so if it was me... I would back off now and this will let him know you are a gentle soul waiting for his lead and not just trying to push your way into his life stepping on all the feelings of his loved ones. its better for you to walk softly now ....and then have a better chance of "him" contacting you.he knows you are there.....and he will think of you in a good way if you allow him this time to sort this all out on his own time.... give him the patience he needs.
Stephanie, It took my dh over 3 mos to tell me his bdaughter had contacted him. All the while he was struggling with a lot of emotions. He actually contacted the bmom and talked to her before he told me, which made me very unhappy. I guess he felt he had some unfinished past business and did not want to upset me about it. He didn't want to hurt anyone, but I think he knew it would hurt everyone. And it did. It's a hurtful situation. I doubt he is mad at you. He shouldn't be.
Thanks for the insight ladies. You were both very helpful. I do not intend to contact him again UNLESS he contacts me first. I really don't want to ruin his life or hurt him in any way. I agree with you both completely, he has my info now and he can do what he chooses- if anything. Having read this thread, I can see how much an impatient or selfish attitude could hurt my bfather and his existing family so I believe it is now and forever- HIS MOVE... should he chose one.
I read all the time how birthmothers think about their bchildren and even if they never reunite. If it is not too intrusive, could you tell me if that has been your experience with birthfathers as well?
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well of course I cannot speak for a birthfather....but maybe you could find one on here if you look around a bit, that could better answer those kinds of questions...I do know my husband and I talked from time to time of his birthdaughter after she turned 18, mainly wondering if she would ever make contact.we thought if she did it would be when she was in her early twenties sometime, but never did until her mid -thirties...so by that time we had pretty much given up on her contacting us and thought maybe she did not know she was adopted, so just stopped thinking about it.... so it was a bit of a shock when she finally did !
Stephanie, no one can know how another person thinks or feels unless they tell you themselves. My best advice is to get a handle on how YOU feel, then whatever you find out wil be better for everyone. You are a person, just like all the rest of us. Also, you are a person with unique characteristics. Love yourself and you will be able to love others. As the wife of a bf I was silly to be worried about some of the things I thought about. I've grown a lot and I would love to comfort you with the thought that what YOU think matters the most, concerning YOUR life. Don't torment yourself with what ifs. Be positive, give when you can, take when you need and let yourself be loved by whatever father God puts in your life. Best wishes.
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im a birthmom who married the father, we have a daughter and she is in her 40's and find any little thing she doesnt like , she withdraws. the best is to give her some space and then do the contacting. if she doesnt like emailing to home, then she has to learn that everything cant go her way and that doesnt mean you dont love her. adopted children who reunite , i find need a lot of attaboys all the time and its a lot of work, its been 3 yrs since the reunion and its not any easier.
yeah it does seem when things don't go just her way she withdraws, my Husband had a Birthday recently and there was no call, no card, no acknowledgement at all. we called a couple weeks later, and she brought it up, didn't you just have a birthday, he said yes....she said oh? I forgot what day it was. weird.she seems like she goes out of her way to try to hurt him.and she does not acknowlede any e-mails, mail or gifts we send anymore....it just seems so rude to me, and frustrating.my husband thinks we should just stop bothering with trying as a reunion should be two way......maybe he's right.
Adoptee's 2 cents worth. A book called The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier may explain how your husbands daughter feels to give you her perspective when the reunion has is downs. It would be an incredibly hard book for a birth parent to read but I feel it is a good synopsis of the adoptees views as a child. After reading it I then read The Girls who Went Away and that was a hard read for me to even imagine what my birth parents went through... You and your husband must deal with the request for money the same way you would with a raised child. If you do not have any raised children then try to figure out what you would do. If you are still paying off debts and you simply cannot afford to help you need to tell her that honestly. If you feel you can afford to help out a bit, still tell her you are strapped. Hopefully, I have not offended any birth parents by suggesting The Primal Wound as no one should feel blame because they were only trying to make the best decision at the time... Kind regards,Dickons
my husband thinks we should just stop bothering with trying as a reunion should be two way......maybe he's right.
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Good advice so far and I too disagree with hubby - yes it should be a two-way street but in reality I think that as a bmom I have to try a little harder to build trust. Also, I will continue to send cards and gifts on special occasions but never expect anything in reply. Loaning money is a whole other situation. I read Primal Wound and it was hard but helped me relate and I think made a difference in how I approached our reunion. I haven't read the Girls that Went Away but I plan to as it might make me feel better. I wish you all the best and hope you can figure out what is best for everyone involved.
My husband just seems to feel that the reunion has to be two way ...or no way. he has just felt that we should just leave her alone if thats what she wants, and he just does not understand why I have gotten so emotional over all this. he just feels if she does not want the reunion anymore then we should just back off, since she's the one who started it, she can end it too. since this is what she wants...let her have her way...as we can't make her.... want us in her life.He doesn't understand it anymore then I do.... but he doesn't seem to be bothered by it like I am.men are such strange creatures.