Question about rejection

How exciting that your bson will be turning 18 in a few short months, however I think we all believe to much in this magic number"18". From what I have heard from alot of adoptees is that 18 was still to young for contact. They are just graduating High School, thinking about that first year of college, friends are the best thing in life at this point, they really have little time to focus on much else.My advice would be to continue to try and connect with his family, update them on how you are, let them know that when/if he is ready for some type of communication that you are there. It doesnt seem like they have any reason not to have given him your last letters, maybe at this point it is more than he is able to handle, Ask them that. Maybe they could drop you a line to say that the timing is not good right now, remember communication is the key. Tell them what you need and then unfortunately the hard part of waiting patiently comes. Again, I just dont know if contacting him at 18 would be a good thing, you might try popping in over here [URL="http://forums.adoption.com/../communication-between-birth-parents-adoptees/"]http://forums.adoption.com/communication-between-birth-parents-adoptees/[/URL]Pose your question to some adoptees for more advice.Good luck to you in whatever you decide and remember we are here to help along the way:coffee:

I agree with Mommy, 18 is often too young. My son and I have been enjoying a very good relationship, but he was 33 when we began contact. He has said it would have been much more difficult if I had found and contacted him when he was 18 or even 25. I suspect that he was very angry then. 18 year olds are often trying to assert their independence and adulthood and aren't ready for "another mother". I know I hoped my bson would find me much sooner... didn't happen. I'm very happy with the relationship we have now, though. Hang in there!

I agree with the responses to date, that 18 is very very young and even if they make contact it can be more up and down than up. My son was 28 when he found me and he expressed abject terror building up over 15 years to finding me, he knew at 13 years of age he was adopted and has been battling with his emotions ever since. You are also battling your emotions and I get the feeling that you need much more preparation for any possible reunion and need to explore your reasons for contact with someone who can objectively ask why you are doing this and motives etc as we often want much more once contact is actually made, and someone can come out worse. For example, if you want to open a contact so that he can reach you and his half sister, that can be provided. If you want to tell your side of the story or feel bits have been missed out, again you can do this through a letter, either direct or through an intermediary who may be able to assess the response on your behalf. Once the pandoras box is opened it is irreversible and can lead to a lot of hurt, LOTS. I can only say this because when my son contacted me, I had nothing to support me, except my own inclinations and feelings, one meeting with a professional counsellor, and within 1 month of first contact, my son and I met each other for the first time in the adoption agencies office. Now that I have read Julie Baileys & Lynn Giddens book The Adoption reunion survival guide (preparing yourself for the search, reunion and beyond) you may wish to consider carefully what could happen before you venture forward. Its a gentle book and will help you to understand yourself more. I wished I'd been introduced to it before reunion. My son called me "mum" right from the start, so at the minute, you are making assumptions as to what may happen and the reality may be completely different. The torment of your questions makes me want to encourage you to get some support. This website is a good start. Professional counselling if you can get it on the state is another. Friends that you can trust, family you feel comfortable with, you need the lot! Like you, I held out for my son's 18th birthday, but nothing happened. It was 10 years later. This was because he was trying to come to terms with himself. this process doesn't stop when they meet you and can actually complicate things. If you meet when he's 18 or early 20's it may be too much for your son to handle, and you may need to consider the effect that will have on you when he pulls back (which is part of the reunion process - again, I wish I'd have known about that instead of having the experience and knowing about it being natural reaction to reunion later.) A hot/cold relationship with his aparents is natural. There are a lot of feelings involved and complex issues with adoption, so I feel that is natural. Some parents gel better than others, depending on how treated, response, etc. Again, it would be good to understand what the aparents are going through so that you can work out best responses to situations and to show some empathy in their direction, and tenacity to cope with any difficult situations arising due to peoples emotions. You mention letters and photos etc, but you don't say when you received them, whether recently or not, so its hard to assess anything from what you are saying there. Even if there are things that need to be told, it may not be the right thing to tell him, even sometime into reunion, or if at all. This is where a professional adoption counsellor can help enormously, especially if they have the experience to boot. But even if not, they have had access to 100's of people, so they can see typical reactions and give good advice (hopefully!, I changed mine and landed with a really wonderful woman who happens to be a bmom too). Am glad you found this website. I am very grateful to have stumbled across it, without a doubt, it has made a difference to my ability to cope. Some wonderful people here that make a difference. So keep posting! Your mother is not wrong when she says it will get rougher. There IS a price for reunion and maybe a perusal of this website will prepare you. Its best to prepare for the worst I guess and hope and joy will inevitably be part of the process, but there IS a lot of heartache and pain along the way too. With such deep seated emotions in bmoms (thats me too by the way) and adoptees and all members of the "Triad" as its called, to include aparents feelings, its inevitable. Are you ready for such a roller coaster? The heart says yes, mine did too, but just want to realistically warn you that reunion can be very difficult indeed and no two stories are alike. the more information you glean from, the more you express yourself, the better you will adapt and cope with what is to come. I don't think I would be wrong to say it ain't easy and do you have the support you need in place to help you? Loving unconditionally......... you don't say if you went on to have more children or not. I didn't. I am 50 years old and have had to learn to "parent" and be a "mum" of sorts in the past 10 months. This "loving unconditionally" is very very hard for me as a single person and my son has used this expression as leverage to throw anything my way that he feels like. Loving unconditionally I find a difficult concept. When it is clear that unless 2 adults put joint effort into building a relationship it can fail, its difficult to be put in a situation where one or other wants "out" or doesn't want to continue, or doesn't want contact in the first place, but loving unconditionally is something that a mum can put in place when there is a lifetime of familiarity with each other. That is something that bmoms' dont have with their bson. Therefore, I will say that in my case, I am trying to build a relationship that has to be from scratch, we are two strangers with next to no input in each others lives except for the past 10 months. Loving, yes? Unconditionally? No. I have a lot of love to give and lots I have already given. My son has given me a rough time, but i would encourage you to think of loving unconditionally as something you won't know if you can give until you get into the relationship. The sequences & stages of reunion bear this out. It can fail. It can succeed. Time will prove whether its unconditional or not. Even in biological families with all members growing up together with biological family, doesn't guarantee that one will want them in your life forever, so I would again encourage you not to straitjacket yourself with that term. See how things go..... thats my opinon for what its worth. Whilst you don't see yourself as a mum because he already has one, I feel you are still a mum in that you carried him for 9 months, nurtured him until he was adopted (and boy, the pain of that must be enormous for you, my son was 6 months old when he was relinquished, so I feel for you) and if your son chooses to see you as "mum" that will be up to him. Try not to strait jacket anything by pre-empting what he will will not call you? Maybe things are different if you have an open adoption and I am only familiar with closed adoption, but try to keep your mind open to his responses and not work out what will happen, because surprises come along the way (e.g. when he called me mum, even though he calls his amom mum too). If you make contact with the "I'm only doing it for..." you may be greatly hurt. If I'm honest, I find that my need for communication at the minute with my son is greater than his and after 10 months, that comes hard. When my son was 18, I left a letter for him with photos, telling my side of the story and why I gave him up. He read that when he was 27 and it took him a further year to find me. Perhaps thats an option to consider? If he doesn't respond to your efforts, the pain of rejection can be huge. My son was smart in that he gave me a neutral contact and phone number for me to call, so that I had an intermediary. I'm sure I wouldn't have coped with dealing with him direct. The same might be true for your son? The not knowing can be worse than the knowing for some, and for others the knowing can prove worse than the not knowing. Only you can decide, but I hope I've made a few points for consideration here that may help you. One thing I can guarantee on this website though, you will get great support.

I am an adoptee and I can say for sure at 18 I could care less about ANY parents. Bparents or Aparents. I had sooo much on my plate to deal with along with the "normal" 18 year old stuff and I agree with Mommy..friends were a HUGE part of my life. I had attatchement problems when I was younger and finally started to attatch and make friends when I was 17 so my friendships at 18 were pivatol in my development. Not all adopted kids have an attatchement problem but there still are alot of us. I would have been overjoyed that my firstmom found me at 18, but emotionally I wouldnt have had space for her at that time, so beyond the call or letter that she found me, I doubt much contact on my part would have been persued. After I had children is when I really wanted to know more about firstmom. I looked for her off and on over the years but that was before the age of computer registries. A few years ago after the great age of the internet and Tons of registries I decided to prepare to look.I started reading and reading and reading. I wanted to do my emotional homework and be ready. I wanted to know my real reason for wanting to find her, that did take awhile..LOL I didnt want to go into reunion with anger, grief or anything that was my baggage. I am an adult and that is my responsibility but I am old enough to know that. At 18, I didnt know that.Please please read what others have suggested, know your reasons for wanting a reunion and get your emotional homework done before contact, so if your child wants contact you are prepared to help with his and not your's, overwhelming and complicating the issues. Unconditional love.... that comes with no expectations and does not require the other to love us back. The others wants and desires becomes part of our wants and desires. I did find my bmom, we had a wonderful phone conversation, she had never looked for me or gave it much thought. She needed to leave the past in the past. She said she was happy I called and could call again and told me a good time to call her. Our second conversation was 30 seconds long, she said she did not know me or anyone by my name so I gracioulsy said I was sorry and I must have dialed the wrong number. I was disappointed but realised her need, needed to be respected. I dont need to know why, love doesnt need that. What she needed had become part of my needs. If the day comes and she wants contact, I am here, if she makes contact or not, I know she is doing what she has to do for her and that is all I really want. I think I found unconditional love. :love:

I agree with what the poster said about unconditional love . . .let's face it . . we all put conditions on relationships and in a relationship where there is no foundation, the boundaries will be a lot more rigid. I think it is fine for you to contact your son at age 18 as long as you keep your expectations reasonable. I wasn't ready to search until my late 30's. Most kids nowadays aren't reaching true independence until around 30, but that is not to say you should not contact him. He may feel safe with limited contact through "my space" and if he doesn't, you will know because he will block you or not write you back. Probably the best thing you can do is leave the door open until he ready to walk through it. Always keep him informed of your phone number and address and then you will have to do what none of us enjoy doing and that is ............WAITING. Most adoptees are over-the-top curious so i feel certain he will want information if not a close relationship. I know that is hard to accept that not all adoptees want relationships, but unfortunately, that is the reality. There are so many conflicting loyalties that adoptees have, similar to kids of divorce and it takes all the maturity they can muster to sort through them. At 18, his first priority will not necessarily be talking to you. But give him time and i believe that he will eventually need you in his life, in some form.

18, when you become an adult, 18 when you may be free of high school, 18 free to be or do anything you want.. at 18 no wants to be mothered again... Give the 18 year old time to grow up a little more. College, a job, a grown up life, something kids look forward to, being without mommy and daddy hanging over thier shoulder. Don't take it personally if your 18 year old bchild is to busy to get to know you. You are the parent, be patient. Take a deep breath, and wait. Be available in your life for when your bchild is ready to take that step. You have a lot of information. Just continure your life, and one day you could get that phone call. Continue to send cards but don't push. Good luck

I'm also 10 months into a reunion with my bson. The book I'm reading, and finding very helpful is Birth Bond by Judith Gediman & linda Brown

Wow .. what a bunch of wonderful replys. I do have an update already. My bson contacted me on my myspace page. Last night we emailed for about 1 and 1/2 hours. At first we just talked about football ( we love rival teams ) and then he asked me some questions. They were simple questions. Any way I just wanted to update everyone who read and thank you for responding. It is an amazing world we live in with this thing called the internet.

That is wonderful!!! I agree, the internet is a great way to start. My birthmom and I are able to stay in daily contact without being intrusive in each other's lives this way. Best of luck to you and your son :)

Thanks for the update! I'm with Irish.. D and I communicate primarily by IM and I find it helpful (but then we're both online most days). Tomorrow I go help celebrate D's daughter's second birthday and I get to share some of my childhood "heirlooms" with her. (I'm giving her the doll crib that my grandfather made me..) Take your time and enjoy getting to know this special young man.