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Hello, My husband and I were placed with our beautiful daughter in December with a semiopen adoption. Part of the agreement was that I would write here letters and mail pictures at 3, 6 and 9 months the first year and then two times a year thereafter. I met the birthmother and her mother and father once before the birth and then during the time in the hospital and have spoke with all of them and felt we truly had a wonderful connection. I decided that it would be easier to write the letter as if it was coming from the baby. I start the letter Dear Birth Mommy, Like she was talking describing all the things she liked and what things we do and how she is developing. It's ended up being like 5 pages and includes pictures in the letter as well as the actual printed pictures attached to the letter. My social worker thought it was very nice and that I was sharing more than most would. I go into how wonderful the baby is and how advanced she is in reaching her milestones. Someone at my mothers work warned that it was not a good idea and I could be asking for trouble. That it might be too emotional for her. I truly want to respect her feelings and am kinda at a stalemate at deciding what to do. I also wrote a letter in which I am sending with the birthmommy letter from me thanking her and telling her that I respect her feelings and wanted to know what kind of things she would be looking to know, if the letter format was ok and how open and detailed she wanted me to be. I told her that we were going to be a part of each others lives forever and wanted to start out on the right foot. Any and all suggestions would TRULY be appreciated. This is the first time I have done anything like this and want to do it right. Thanks,Tammy
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Hi, you might get more replies to your question if it was posted to the general adoptive parent support board, or even to the communication between birth parents and adoptive parents board (which is under birth parent support forum).I am in a a fully open adoption. We don't refer to our child's bio mother as "birth mommy" or any other title, we call her by her first name so when I write to her that's how I address my letters. Just something to consider.I have never been one to write on behalf of my child, like from my child's voice, I wouldn't do that for my husband or any other person either. I figure when my child's old enough to decide what to say then the words will come from my child. The only time I sign on behalf of my kid is if my child chose a gift for someone, then I sign the card for babe. I suppose my logic is I don't want anyone speaking for me, why would anyone, including my child, want me speaking for them. But I know many people enjoy this sort of correpondence, I just wanted to offer a different perspective. I'm sorry the person planted a seed of doubt in your mind about what your letter contained, the cute stories and detail. This woman is misguided to suggest that you are asking for trouble, as if bio mother knows how cute the baby is she'll try to reclaim the baby- bio mother already knows in her heart that this is the cutest, smartest baby on earth, your stories only demonstrate what she knows to be true. The best you can do is be generous with information and pictures.Yes, it might be too emotional, but she gets to decide what's too hard for her to handle, not another person. I think you are on the right track to ask bio mother what she does and does not want, only she can answer for herself. I'm interested in your thanking her. This is the one statement I would be cautious of and you might want to speak to a few bio mothers on the forums about it. We thanked babe's bio parents for having faith in us, we told them we would never take lightly the trust they had placed in us and would always do our best to be good parents. But we did not say thank you for your baby because we did not view babe as an object to be given and we did not say thank you for choosing adoption because that implied we believed they would have harmed babe if they hadn't chosen adoption- and that's not true. Even if you choose to stick with the format that you are writing in your child's voice, I think you should include letters from yourself as well. This contact is an opportunity for you to form a relationship with your child's bio family, and that's a wonderful thing. :flowergift:
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There is a website that I think you might find helpful, as I did. It popped into my mind when I read about how you were writing in your daughters voice.
The website is smithangels.com. It's a website of an adoptive couple that were looking to adopt. I came across it a while ago and found it so helpful. No worries, Barbie encourages others to read it. If you click on the links marked, "Darling Ava" and "Sweet Keira" on the left hand side, you will run into a "photo album" set up by their family for their childrens birthfamilies. It is set up in the childrens voices and I think it's precious. It might help you feel a bit more comfortable about the letter you wrote. The birthmothers and their family often leave comments to the pictures and posts. I know each family is unique, but I know it helped me.
I hope it all works out well!
Hello, I posted in a number of places not knowing where exactly to put it - but thanks. I ended up writing the letter as it was coming from me. I'm actually kinda glad I showed the letter and got some opininons because it worked out better sending the letter coming from my husband and I. It's funny all the different opinions people have about adoption. But all in all I listen to peoples advice take some of it and disregard a lot of it. People can't understand an open/semi open adoption. From now on I am just going to go with what's in my heart. I feel a deep connection with her that's almost unexplainable. God, I'm sitting here thinking about it and I have tears in my eyes. This first letter was delicate because it was so close to termination of rights. I so don't want to hurt her but also wanted to get across how wonderful life is and I think I did that. After all, she selected our profile and felt a connection with us from how I wrote (sappy and wall). The next letter in June will be a lot different in terms of details and emotions I am sure. Well anyway, thanks so much for your advice. I TRULY appreciate it. It's hard to know the right thing to do when something is SOOOOO important as this is. Best wishes and happy spring!Tammy