When Birth Sibs Do Not Know

Love: I see I'm not the only one who is letting all the secrets get to them lately! :love: Jenna's advice sounds good, I don't have any other children, so I can't say I have any advice of my own to share from experience! But from a fellow secret keeper, I think that it is wise to try to start to "unravel" some of the secrets that may complicate things further down the line for when your DD when she gets older. I'm wondering if you have ever talked to DD's b mom about if/when she plans to tell her family? I agree that is has to come out sometime if the open adoption is going to continue, and I have to admit that keeping my secret did contribute to closing my adoption (I used to wonder how when DD got older that I would hide contact from my parents, especially since I was living with them, it was bad enough that a-mom and I communicated through my calling collect so there was no trail) That is the last thing that anyone would want I'm sure!! The longer she waits the harder it will be to tell, and as a b mom in her shoes I would definitely advise her to come clean sooner rather than later, since I'm coming to realize that this is one of the few things I regret in my adoption, and am now struggling with coming clean 15 years later. Maybe if she knows she has your support it will be easier for her to start to tell. I also wanted to say good luck and have a great visit :grouphug: (Isn't there a new baby to see too???)

I've blogged about this before: there are no books for parented children who have placed siblings. And that sucks.

Have you considered writing one, Jenna?

I 2nd that. My 5 yr old has 3 older siblings who are being raised by his Bmom. I think it would be great if there were books available.

Thank you, Browneyes (I feel like we are dopplegaggers 9sp?) on the other side of the adoption coin!! haha). I think that has been one of the reasons we haven't told OUR families about visits, because we just don't know whether birth parents are going to tell their dd, families, etc. I know how much seeing our DD means to her birth parents so I can't imagine they WANT to cut off contact...I just don't know how hard it may be if they don't want to tell their families (i.e., which one would "trump"???). It is so sad to me that this was part of your adoption closing (though I can totally understand....the longer the secrets go on, the harder they are to reveal, at least for me). Jenna, I "third" the vote that YOU write a children's book for this. I think that would be soooo awesome. I definitely would buy it!! And give one to DD's birth family as a present! Thanks again for the help! I'll keep you posted, Karen

My biggest mental block with a book like that is illustration. Other writer friends have insisted that finding illustrators is an easy task. It's finding a publisher that is not-so-very-easy.Big and scary.

Er...you've done big and scary before. Write the dang book! :clap:

LOL.Can we do one big and scary thing at a time, maybe?

Jenna, dang!! Someone looks to have beaten you to the punch. I wonder if this book is any good??? Has anyone seen/read this?? It's kind of expensive, but if it was good, I would buy a couple of copies. Author: Juliet C. Bond SAM'S SISTER is for the children of birthparents who are already raising a child and place a younger child for adoption. This is the first book which has been written for children of birthparents making an adoption plan for a younger sibling. Rosa, who is 6 years old comes to understand her mother's dilemma, learns about adoption, and is involved with the birth and placement of Sam with his new parents. (Hardcover, 32 pages, 2004, ages 4 to 8)

Our baby has a full sibling who is 6 now and she knows about him because she saw her mom pregnant and "gets it" It is really important that that relationship be open and nurtured from the very beginning. Everyone on both sides agrees thank goodness. She is a delightful little girl and I got to know her on one of my trips there. She is being raised by her paternal grandparents (who have completely rejected this baby by the way). But they are 80 so ....(terrible i know) Our baby has 3 half siblings. One is in his twenties and knows all about him, in fact I spent loads of time with him too in Michigan and he's a good guy, wants pics and to meet E some day. But there are two more half siblings. One lives with his paternal grandparents and is his late teens. I could probably write him a letter, he's cut himself off from his Mom but others in the family are in close contact with him including E's birth dad who is not this boys father. So there is this boy. He is aware of the adoption. Should I reach out to him? Just let him know E is fine and maybe send some pics? I really don't have a parent I can go through on this. OK so there is another half sib adopted by family in Illinois who broke off the open adoption with our bmom a while back. She has a lot of problems apparently and is about 14 and goes to boarding school. I'm sure I could track her down and contact her parents as well, just give them the option. I really want our boy to know his siblings but should I wait until they two half sibs are 18 to contact them? I don't want anyone to come between E and his siblings because someone is mad at his bmom. It's the most dysfunctional situation ...long story but they all know eachother and nobody talks to her!

Stormster, I think I would go thru the parents of the two sibs that don't know (the paternal grandparents and the a parents). To avoid some annoyance on DS' birth mom's part, I think I may tell her first too before I did that? I'm not saying that I would necessarily let her "prevent" me from contacting the sibs, but it may be better for your relationship (which I know is bumpy right now because of her issues) to give the heads' up and hopefully get her blessing. Btw, to update my situaiton, DD"s birth sister still does not know (as far as I know). She just turned 5...I really feel strongly that she needs to know before our next visit or else we can't visit with her (breaks my heart, but DD is getting to "understand" things better). (DD's birth parents are worried about telling her b/c she may "spill the beans" to their parents, family, etc. who do not know of the pg/adoption).

Thanks.Lovejax, may I ask how old your DD's birth parents are? Are they very young?

I think right now they are 25 (birth mom) and 23 (birth dad)...so yes, in my book, YOUNG!!!

Love, I needed to read that 25 is young...I'll hit 25 later this month! Thanks! haha And to get back on track, Good luck Love and Stormster with your kids bfamilies!

Tmom, I hate to say this but I did not like my mid to late 20s (too much stress trying to "establish" myself but still wanting just to party!). But I loved hitting 30! 25 IS young (you just don't know it til you are close to 40, which is the new 30, by the way...haha!).