What happens if you can't keep ALL the sibs together?

We adopted 4 kids (ages 8-13 at the time). They had an older 1/2 brother we were not asked about (he went to his bio-dad). 2 years later, Bmom & bdad get together & produce another kid that was taken into foster care. We were informed about this & I was able to confirm the story via internet since bm & bd filed for divorce & were ordered to pay support payments. We asked our kids what they thought - first should we try? We also let them know that we might not have the opportunity because Bmom was in a different state than where TPR took place, and that state when I called did not care that she had already had 4 other kids TPR'd. Our kids said no - this is their current family & the older two already felt parentified with the younger two due to fcare & neglect in bhome, and they did not want to be responsible for a baby too (even thought they knew that in this family it is the AParents who are responsible, not the kids). We never were asked to take this baby, the baby went back to bmom & her new hubby, and you are right about bmoms - this one is in late 30's and she recently had yet another kid (makes a total of 7 kids for her, and 9 kids for bdad - only 4 of those are in-common, and those 4 are my kids!). So, trust yourself. Do my kids want to meet their younger sister someday? YES! Are we worried about her being with bmom who has already proven her inability to take care of her kids? YES! Can we do anything else beside what we have already done? Maybe - but there are our kids' feelings to consider - not only about having another sibling, but they also worry (believe it or not) about (a) causing another kid to have to live in foster care, (b) having to experience the grief of losing a bio parent, no matter how bad, and (c) of depriving bio mom of another child, even if she is not very capable. My kids DO worry about their sister, but it is offset by these other concerns. Combined with distance, cross-state issues, and the rules in different states about when DCFS can get involved, we are not able to take this on, and honestly, my DH and I were concerned about our age (nearly 50) - we adopted older children so as to be finished with child-rearing & college prior to retirement. Adding a 3-year old at this stage would definitely change those plans, which we are not willing to do unless there is a compelling reason. If there was clear evidence of abuse that we witnessed & could do something about, we might re-consider, but would rather see a child adopted into a family that is ready for a child this age & request contact on that family's terms.

DH and I have decided not to pursue the adoption of sibs that are offered to us seperately. The situation has come up a few times where we were interested in a sib group, but after reviewing their info we did not feel we could effectively parent them all due to their multiple special needs. At that point the workers offered to split them up and give us first pick of how many/which ones we wanted. We declined, knowing that we could not look at the children we adopted and tell them (then and or later) that we wanted them but not their brother(s)/sister(s). It was difficult because we knew they would be split up if we didn't take them, but we didn't want to have that guilt be ever-present in our house, either. It was difficult at the last adoption day when we saw the two oldest boys being presented from the last sib group this became an issue about - their younger sibs had been adopted already. We have no issues with families who make these difficult decisions, we just know we would not deal well with it. Dawn H.

I know this is an old thread, but I wanted to respond anyway. We have some friends who adopted a little girl from China and a little boy from Texas. About a year later they were called and told that their little boy now had a baby brother. So they decided to go ahead and adopt him too. It worked out really well for them. We are hoping to adopt a group of 4 and already have 3 bio kids. If the group of 4 ever winds up with a younger sibling we'd be willing to take that one, too, as long as their weren't any severe medical issues. I say that, though, having no actual experience. I just know that we want a large family. That being said, our county will only allow us to have 8 children living in our home, and then they won't place any more with us. So if more than one sibling came along later, we might not even be allowed to take them. But we would be willing! :flower: Jess

I found this to be an interesting question. After we adopted our first two children (a sibling group, age baby and one at the time), a year later they had a half-sister born. Illinois DCFS is really into keeping siblings together, so we got first crack at the new baby... and eventually we brought her home too. We didn't ask our other children their opinion at the time, because they were too young. Now that they are older, I think we would bring them into the decision if it happened again. Our older two, FYI, have several birth siblings they haven't met (and don't know about yet... they were placed out of state before ours were born). We have gently approached the subject with them, but so far it's gone over their head. Audrey

wish I would have seen this before I posted to Foster parent board. Only today found out dd's 1/2 sibs ages 2 & infant went into care. DD is 9 & doesn't know they exist. She has many emotional needs too & she is cognitively delayed so she doesn't undertand things at peer level. Babies make her very nervous & any small person who tries to love on DW really gets on her last nerve.We were tossing around the idea of inquiring about the sibs, but this post made me see that it likely would not be a good idea for our dd. Maybe just requesting visits or something which we could not do while they were in biomom's care.

Lakin,You already know how I feel about this but I will state it here, too. As an adult adoptee who was separated from 5 of her 6 siblings in the adoption process I believe that whenever possible siblings should be kept together. The sibling connection grows as we grow even though little kids may not feel it. I do not have a sibling type relationship with most of my siblings at this stage but I am painfully aware of what I am missing because of the separation that happened 30 years ago. That being said -- I do understand that sometimes it is either not possible or not in the best interest of a particular child. Doing what is best for any child is always the right thing. As an adoptive mom I do know that my first question when I received my referral for my daughter was if she had any siblings. It was automatic without thinking so I know it was a gut reaction for me.Samantha

I've been lax in writing on this forum...interesting update!We got a call almost a month ago now...our CW for the sibs called. She said bio mom had been arrested and they removed a baby from her. So me, thinking 1 yr old...oh no, newborn baby! She's had 2 kids in the past 21 months!!! These youngest 2 are 11-12 months apart. Well, we got the baby about 3 weeks ago. He's almost 3 months old and beyond perfect. We are in love with him, but have a bad bad feeling he's going to be back with bios before the end of the year. Lots of technicalities in the case, that may affect the outcome. We still do not know the whereabouts of the 4th sibling, but we are guessing he/she is with the grandma still. Our previously mentioned 'singlet' foster daughter is expecting a sibling this winter...very possible that baby will be removed as well. Who knows what will happen. We are willing to take that baby as of right now.....so many unknowns though!Could be a very very full house soon!

You could also request pictures, to speak to the foster parents so you can write down info, etc... that way if your daughter ever wants information, you would have it handy.Audrey

We have just a little over a week left to hear the judge's ruling on whether or not he is going to send the baby home. I find it gut wrenching, knowing how she is and knowing I'd never feel at ease with him being in her care. We just put it in God's hands.As for the soon to be born sibling of our other foster daughter.....still not arrived yet. BM has nothing for him/her. DCS is still undecided as to whether or not they can remove. She may get a chance to screw this one up too. Who knows what will work out w/ any of them at this point.

I have 2 initial thoughts: #1--Do you mean full blood sibs or half sibs? #3--Do you mean sibs that the Akids have a relationship with or NO relationship with? My thoughts are these: Biology basically never trumps in my mind. Best interest of the child trumps. Just as being with Bmom or Bdad isn't always best (when it doesn't further the child's best interest) So, being with a Bsibling doesn't always trump, if it's not in the child's best interest. Now, if the child has a RELATIONSHIP with the sibling (either full-blood, half-sib, or EVEN non-biological--as in, they were being raised together in the past) then the child's emotional best interest might demand that they stay together. Afterall, if they have been stabilizing factors for each other before, that shouldn't be taken away. For many Akids, there are MANY half sibs floating around--and because those half sibs have at least one different parent, the situation can be RADICALLY different. For example: Our 2 boys have 1 half sister with another Mom (DOB 1999), and 2 half sibs with a different Dad (DOBs 2006 & 2007) and 1 half sister with yet a DIFFERENT Mom (DOB 2007.) In other words, their Bparents have been VERY busy. In total, they have 4 half-siblings, so there are 6 kids already, and honestely, since Bmom is in her EARLY 20's, there are probably a LOT more coming. However, these are the only ones (out of the 6 children total) that are full-blood sibs of each other. Most of those sibs are with SOME Bparent. But in our Akids case, BOTH of the two parents were incapable of parenting. In our case, the two Akids ARE full-blood sibs, AND they had a previous relationship. To separate them would have been unthinkable. Their relationship is the most continuity they've had in their whole lives.

I agree with all the above. At this point, my 4 full-sib kids have 1 full and 2 half sibs via BMom, one of which they lived with but is now in jail, the other two are under age 4 and live with BMom. With BDad, there are 4 other half-sibs - they've met them all but never lived with any. And then there is a friend of my AD's - he is adopted out of fcare too, and he is the middle child of 23 siblings (various 1/2 and whole sibs) - he is the only one from his Bfamily in his AHome. There is definitely always the possibility of Bparents producing many more kids... you have to decide what makes sense for your family first.

Our children's Bio mom has 4 children with 4 different fathers. She surrendered oldest boy (9 at the time, now 14 and been with us a year), into foster care because she "couldn't handle him." Less than a year later she did the same to the next oldest, a girl, (9 at the time, now 12 and been with us a year) for the same "reason" and then terminated parental rights on both. After living in separate foster homes for 2+ years, they were placed with us for adoption when they were 11 and 13. Biomom still has their 6 and 9 year old sisters who are apparently much "easier" personalities. My two practically raised these younger sisters and we would be willing to adopt them, but they are not in the system. Biomom aged out of foster care, has been addicted to drugs and undergone treatment, and apparently prefers abusive men/ boyfriend/ husbands many of whom abused the oldest boy so there is a slight possiblity she'll lose custody. We are about to finalize on the girl, but her brother has been in a residential treatment center for almost 6 months now and has reactive attachment disorder (among many other diagnoses). The RTC think he's ready to "come home" but we're not sure we should take him back! His sister has blossomed while he was gone, and while his med changes have improved his behaviors she is still afraid of him, and our younger bio children are still very nervous around him (He's 5'9" tall and over 200lbs) . We don't know really know what to do. At 14 and with his issues if we send him back to foster care he is so emotionally damaged that we believe he would never attach or be emotionally healthy. We've been given a prognosis of an 80% chance that even if we proceed with his adoption he will disrupt the adoption because of his issues. We love him, and his sister, but have no idea what our priorities should be here. If we send him back to foster care his sister would naturally be afraid that she would be next (history repeating itself) and this would not help the fragile attachment she's managed to develop. Why can't this be easy?! Marymom to bio children ds T (8) and dd K (11), hopefully finalizing this month on dd C (12), still mom to ds D (14) in RTC who's supposed to come home in less than 2 weeks.If "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger..." just call me Superwoman!

I have 2 sets of brothers. The oldest are adopted and the youngest were foster; now are pre-adoptive. Each set has siblings. I'm in NY (on Long Island). The sibling group of my two oldest live in GA. they talk. We took a trip down there once. The sibling group of my youngest also live on Long Island. There youngest was never placed with the other 3. We do bi-weekly visits and there is now a bonding that's going on. The youngest has motor and verbal delays so I'm not sure if he's aware of the relationship but I always try to maintain some type of contact (as long as it's not detrimental to my kids).

Our adoptive son came home from residential treatment in January. He has made almost a complete 180 in behavior. We finalized on our daughter in March (2 weeks before her 13th birthday) and our son in July (1 day before his 15th birthday). Our son's biofather has sporadic contact with our son. He is raising our son's half brother and sister - who our son has never met. Biomom had 4 children, all with different fathers, some of whom she married, most of whom were abusive. She dumped my 2 children into foster care when they were 11 and 9 (about 6 months apart). She kept their 2 younger half siblings - who they helped raise. She is due this month with her 5th child - she has already dumped the baby's abusive father. The 2 younger sibling are now almost 6 and 10. My children fully expect biomom to dump the oldest one any time now. It hurts either way. They know their younger sisters are stuck in the abusive relationships, but they are also jealous that biomom appears to be keeping them. I would take all 3 if I could, but I know it would be VERY difficult if the 3 younger children are as damaged as mine are. Biomom has plenty of mental issues too. The siblings are in another state, but we made very sure that our interest in them is attached to their file just in case.

3 days after my daughter was placed with us for adoption, her social worker asked if we would be interested in adopting her brother. My husband and I talked about it and agreed we would take him if he became available. We didn't feel ready for another child so soon, but we felt like we had an obligation to protect our daughter's brother. About 10 months later, we brought him home. Their mother has had several children, and I expect that she will have many more. I would like to take all the children that she has in the future. Of course, it all depends on how we are able to handle the ones we have already. Our situation is pretty good for that since our kids have no special needs, we are only 29 and 31, and I am able to stay at home with the kids. We are trying to not get pregnant and are not going to pursue any other adoption for a while, so we will be better able to take siblings if they come along. It has been a record 16 months since the biomom had a baby, and every day that passes without her having another is a shock for me. I feel we have a responsability to protect any siblings that we can. I have very little trust in the foster system, and I have no confidence that they would find good homes for the kids if we didn't take them. However, we will just have to see how everything goes and whether or not my husband is willing to do it. He is horrified if I mention that we might end up with 10 kiddos. He thinks 3 kids is a big family. A woman in my foster care training class mentioned that she had over 50 siblings because her dad really got around. I know a lot of adoptive situations do not lend themselves to adopting every sibling, but I think it is a good thing to do if you can and still take good care of the kids you already have.