Call for Questions: Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers Please Read

ADOPTIVE MOTHERS

What is the single most difficult question you have been asked or dread being asked by your child? I am not sure you are wanting foster adopt a-parents, but here goes: There is only 1 question that I am not looking forward to answering and still have not got a clue how I will handle it. That is when Bear asks about his biological father. He is a level 3 sex offender and in jail for the rape that resulted in his conception. Although he is the most amazing miracle in my life, how we approach this could have life altering results if done wrong and I am scared of that.

[FONT="Century Gothic"]Why? How could I? What where the reasons?[/FONT]

Brandy... I started to respond immediately. THen I realized that the reality is sinking in that we are one of those families where the open adoption hasn't worked as we wanted it to. It started out well and we continue to work on our end but the first parents have basically stopped contact. And yes, I am truly sad about this. So I didn't answer as I have to finally admit that at this point we are not truly in an open adoption. They have our info. We don't have theirs. The biggest question from our DD who just turned 3 and is starting to understand her story more and more is about her two big sisters. It is not about them not living with us, but she just doesn't get right now why she can't "go to the park and play with them". Again, this is something I would love to do for her, relationships I wish were growing, but right now, it just isn't that way. The question I dread, especially now that we don't have direct contact (although our door is always open) is "why did she choose to keep her other daughters and not me?" How do I answer that? In the end, the reality IN OUR SITUATION is that Bug has a more stable life than her sisters. But stability is not an issue or will not be an issue for Bug. I am sure, as sensitive as she already is, that she will wonder and worry that they got to be with their Mom and she didn't. I dread this as I choose to honor her First MOm regardless of her choices, but don't have a clue how to answer this question truthfully, telling Bug her story, without paintint her First MOm in the wrong way. Hopefully, I will have a little time yet to figure this out. And I can also hope that someday down the road, her First Mom (and Roo's too) will be ready for contact. I hope so.

My 5 yr old has asked, "Why did she give me away?" "Does she miss me?" "Does she love me?" He has also asked me if he could tell her, "I miss her and love her." He also wants to tell her thank you.The thing I dread, as someone else has said, is really 2 things. I dread him asking about his Bdad, not a good situation there. I also dread when he realizes what it means that his birthbrothers are his bio brothers who are being raised by her, and wonders why he isn't.

Same issue here....DD has an older birth sis parented by birth parents who just had a new baby girl that they are parenting. So she is really the middle child and I am having a heckuva time trying to figure out how to best explain that some day. (Fortunately, we have an open adoption and I hope that somehow it just seems "OK" to her.)

Oh, some of the heart wrenchers...I am a birthmom in an open adoption. My birthdaughter is almost twelve years old. I don't really focus on the questions that she might be asking in the future, but she has asked some really tough ones. The hardest one was about a year ago..."What would have happened to me if you couldn't have found anyone to take care of me when I was born?" She sounded so worried and concerned... During the past few years there have been more questions like "So, you're my real mom, aren't you?" and "Can I come and live with you?" I really get the sense that she doesn't really want to live with me, she just wants to make sure that she can't come live with me. She also asks about her birthfather fairly often. He hasn't had any contact with her family or me since she was six months old. That has been a hole in her life since she was really young...maybe 3 years old. She asks me about him almost every time we see each other. Most recently she asked me to tell her a story and I asked what kind of story she wanted to hear. She said, "Do you have any stories about serious relationships you were in where you broke up with the guy? While we're on the subject, have you heard from my birthfather lately?" She was trying so hard to be laid-back and breezy and have it just be a natural flow of conversation, but I could tell that this was a really big issue for her.

Free, oh, those are tough ones!!! I am just picturing her "casual" attempt to find out more info on her birth father. I think girls are (stereotyping here) even more likely to really want some of these answers, particularly in adolescence. I "worry" about DD wanting to live with her birth family some day (or at least saying so), particularly because I'm sure she would love to have sisters (she is an only child right now). What do you say to those questions?

When she asked if she could live with me, I said. "No." It was really blunt, straightforward and direct. Then, she asked why, which I expected and I simply said "You live with your mom and dad." Then she said, "But, maybe you could adopt me..." So then, I explained that she was already adopted and that it really wouldn't work for me to adopt her. I pointed out how her mom and dad love having her live with them and the fact that even though she and her sister don't always get along, they would miss each other way too much and then added the fact that I don't have a bathroom and only have one room in my cabin. I wanted to give her strong reasons that were both pushes and pulls. Pushes to keep her away from wanting to live with me and pulls to keep her wanting to live with her family. She really seemed to think a little more when I pointed out that if she lived with me she wouldn't live with her family anymore. We finished the conversation talking about how it sucked that I live so far away from her and wouldn't it be nice if we could see each other more often. It wasn't a tough, scary conversation because it was really direct and open and honest. And again, I want to stress that I really don't think she was interested in really living with me, she just wanted to make sure it wasn't an option.

Those sound like perfect answers. I am sure she was feeling you out....Thanks for answering me! (Can you tell I worry a lot about things I can't control...haha!).

My son just turned 7 and as far as I know he hasn't asked many questions. The one I dread most is why his bdad and I placed him, since we will hopefully go on and parent more biological children.

The hardest questions from my 5 yr old are surrounding her mother's addicition to Meth. Our dd does not understand the exact issue so both her mother and I have explained she has a mental health issue and an addiction to a certain drug that makes her do things she normally wouldn't do. We talk at length (due to my dd's questions) about how it does not stop her from loving her just makes her unreliable at times. She has been clean a little while now so we see her more often but over the last few years it has been sporadic and that is what prompted the initial questions. We have done this as age appropriate as possible but she seems to really get the fact that her Mother is just sick and still a really great person that we all love healthy or sick. A few weeks ago, our dd spent her first overnight with all her birth sisters and mother and she had to explain to her new siblings why it was fair. I was in the other room and heard her tell them she had to go while her Mother was not sick or it might be awhile and she really missed her. SHe told them she doesn't have cancer but it is kinda the same but in her head. I have no idea where that came from but at least she views her a ill and not some crazed drug addict. Her Mother insisted when we adopted her that we be honest about her illness and addiction. It has been very difficult but I am so glad we have such a wonderful child that is willing to accept the fact it is not her fault or her Mother's at this point. The teen years may be more difficult. Oh, one more hard one came last month. She wants to call her Mother Mom, too. I have no problem with it but her Mother is very uncomfortable with it. She is also wanting to change her name back to the original birth name even though her Mother really did not like it it was just the first thing that came to mind and she knew she would be placing and it would be changed. She is named after a restaurant and we are hoping it will pass but since her new siblings are changing theris it is not likely.

Tudu, Your daughters bmom has the same reaction that I had when M started calling me mom...I was TOTALLY freaked out! I am okish with it now...but just okish - while I *am* her mom...I am also *not* her mom...(hows that for some car salesman double talk!)She has also expressed an interest in changing her name - she has her birthname (first and middle) which we picked together as her 'family' - but she used my maiden name at birth and she wants to use that now, in addition to her adopted last name. She has asked that my maiden name be added as a second middle name - this came days after (and days before she knew) Jerrett, my son, had changed his name upon adoption - moving my maiden name (his legal last name) to a 2nd middle name to replace a 2nd one already there and adding my husbands last name as his name. When she found out Jerrett had done this in his step parent adoption - it made even more sense to her. She has expressed a strong desire to do it and her parents are supportive and told her they would support her in making that change, when she is an adult.To add to that - her birthfather and I share a last name - but we are not from the same family, so she sees even more reason for doing it, as she has just started to cultivate a relationship with B (her birthfather).Isn't the dynamic of Open Adoption amazing?

Jack is only 14 months, but there are some things that I'm already trying to deal with in talking to others. I don't want to tell others too much that I wouldn't tell him. What I dread is him asking about his birthfather. Why didn't he want to meet me? Why didn't he stay with my birthmother? Where is he now? Bfather wasn't really in a relationship with bmother, and wouldn't meet us, nor would he come up to meet Jack when he signed his TPR at the hospital. That's going to be tough to explain. And then there's more that is private and also very difficult to deal with honestly.:hippie:

There is a great book called Talking to You Adopted or Foster Child About Adoption by Jayne Schooler and Betsy Keifer. It is written for an adoptive/foster parent audience, but the information can be used for birthparents. It is a must-have.

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]My daughter has started to ask why her birthmother closed her adoption after eight years of openness. She blames herself, but is completely blameless. How sad that she feels that she's been rejected...[/FONT]