Have You Asked Your Child's Birth Mom To Write A Letter?

I've written a....book? 3 books?I am on Vol 3 of her story - its 2 bound books, 500 pages (Front/back).I couldn't make it fit in a letter...so I opted for 'her story' in a book form...since her story is still in process, so is the book...altho, I guess I could give her the first two vol's :)

Speaking of books, I gave my sons Bmom and Bgrandparents..journals. One reads a mothers journal (I also have the same journal) and Grandparents haveA grandparents jouranl (my parents also have this journal). Lovejax, if it is to difficult for bmom to write a letter maybe you can give her this journal, and buy one for yourself....so your child can have one from both her moms.[URL="http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0740741489/ref=sib_dp_pt/104-1939632-8835101#reader-link"][URL="http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/0740741489.01._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-dp-500-arrow,TopRight,45,-64_OU01_AA240_SH20_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg"]http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/0740741489.01._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-dp-500-arrow,TopRight,45,-64_OU01_AA240_SH20_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg[/URL][/URL] Amazon has many to choose from.

Both our kids' first moms wrote letters in the beginning. It was their decision and I welcomed it gladly. I am grateful too as they have decided at least at this point not to have contact with us. They both have all our info but have moved and not let us know where they are. Very much against what we wanted as we had hoped that some of these questions could be answered as life happened together for our families. At least at this point, it isn't that way. So I am thankful that they wrote the letters as they try to bring understanding in their own words.

Wow... I'm really grieving what seems to be loss of any kind of contact with DS's first mom and direct contact with DD's first mom. Your post made me long for the opportunity to have such a wonderful and detailed recording of our kids' life from their first mother's perspective. I'm so sad that what we had hoped for isn't/hasn't happened.

It does seem so "oversimplified" to be able to discuss something so complicated in a letter, doesn't it? Brandi, how old is DD? How have you discussed with her the reasons for her placement? I like the idea of a three volume set! Blessed, I am glad that you have letters for both, and I hope that you do get to establish contact someday. I know DD's birth mom likes to write a lot so I am going to ask her if she has journaled (yet) and if not, whether she thinks it would be helpful, etc. I should be journaling myself...I like that journal, Myheart. By the way, I do have a letter that DD's birth mom wrote to us. We were planning on meeting at the hospital for discharge. When we got there, the SW said that it was too difficult for DD's birth mom to stay. She wrote us a letter on the back of a hospital form. It was so heartfelt and wonderful and I keep it with my DD"s keepsakes. ETA: I mean "wonderful" in the sense that the love for DD drips off the page....Obivously, it is incredibly heartbreaking too.

M just turned 11 last month. She's never asked me about it - but she has asked her mom, and they've talked about it some.The time is coming, I'm sure.

I said I would write a letter. D bought a life book with a place for a letter. I've written three or four drafts in three years. I've never finished it. I can't finish it. I probably won't finish it.And you know we have an amazing open adoption.I just can't put it into a concise, coherent letter. It's hard. It's emotional. And I can't ever seem to finish it.

You know I wonder too if the "reasons" change...I know that sounds silly, but what you think at first may be the reasons, in hindsight, you realize were completely different? Is it fluid? I know when I think about the "reasons" I wanted to adopt DD when I heard of her birth parents' situation seem to be sort of everchanging (I remember how I felt, but now that I analyze it years later, I see other things at work too, kwim?). I can only imagine how hard it may to be capture something so complex.....

I lost my mother at the age of 16 and learned that you never know how long you have on this earth. It was so important to me that my children were given those answers ASAP. (preferrably ..in written form) so that they would ALWYAS have access to those answers and to know just how much they were loved. However my daughter's birthmom(the first birthfamily we really started having contact with) was not ready to share much of anything for about the first 1-2 years. Which was really hard on me. At the time I was really struggling with the open adoption...and I felt like all I was doing was giving and giving and she was not doing her part to make it really beneficial to my daughter.....by providing her those stories, answers, birth/family history, medical history...etc!!! Finally she has come to a point where she has opened up much more. Which I am grateful for. But can you REALLY fit into a letter everythign that you feel and that needs to be said? I'm sure you could come close. But it can never quite be written. The closest thing that I have ever seen....is the look of love/tears in her birthmothers eyes and the big smile on her face as they embrace each other. THAT"S what my daughter will remember most of all and that's what i want my daughter to feel and know....that she is and will always be LOVED forever....by her birthfamily!!!

I remember being asked to write a letter, tho it was so long ago that I don't remember if it was the A-mom or the SW who suggested it. I remember wanting to , but I don't think I did. I used to journal at that time, but it isn't something I would want to share with DD or her family, because I had a very hard time coming to terms with things that I think a lot of it was one big pity party. I haven't even read them since I placed, too hard. When I started speaking to a-mom again, I told her I would write a letter for DD, and I did, but it was more an introduction as to who I am , what my interests are etc. I did reference her placement, but just in the sense that I loved her very much and how special her parents are to me. I don't know if I could ever put into words why I placed. I kind of dread having to explain that in a way that sounds convincing ("I just knew it was the right thing in my heart" is about the best I can do.) I love the journal idea, myheart! And like Brandy I have always intended on writing her story out so that she can have one day among the scrapbook and other things that pop into my head on a daily basis!!!

Oh man, that's probably the best way that I could explain some of my issues with writing our "Letter." Because while love for her and even affirmation of what great parents her (adoptive) parents are and how much ALL of her family loves her, even while all that comes easily, the whys and the reasons don't.I don't know if that's because of the pressure and "influence" that was placed on us. Sometimes that's what I think. Because while I'm still not okay with what happened in that regard, it's not a set of emotions that I want to cast onto my daughter and have stick with her. Plus I really don't think that her parents would want to read a letter like that and would probably honestly get ticked off at us.

Opal, I think that is one of my "fears" too....I know placing DD was so hard for her birth mom (especially). Although she has always said it was a horribly hard decision but she thinks it was the best one, I worry someday she may feel differently (not that I would blame her, but like you said, do not want to "saddle" DD with that). So maybe I'm looking for a little "insurance policy" with this letter, and that's the wrong motivation, kwim?

I was asked to write a letter and I was advised it would be good to do it while in the hospital or shortly thereafter. I did write it while in the hospital, I am glad I did! The reasons and emotions were so fresh in my mind at that time, when M reads it he should be able to feel the emotions I was going through (or at least I hope he does ) It wasnt easy to write it then, I did push myself to do it, I was afraid if I waited I would have lost some of the emotion, maybe I wouldn't have. I was in the hospital for 3 days after he was born so that gave me plenty of time to get the initial thoughts on paper.

[FONT="Century Gothic"]I wrote while in the hospital but it all went into my journal and J's journal. I have since almost finished her 2nd journal and her bday is a month away.[/FONT]