Roadblocks

So I'd like for us to discuss a few things: 1. Fear is a huge roadblock in adoption relationships. Why is this so for adoption relationships when it might not be a factor for other relationships? Because it is easier with other relationships since you are mainly on an even playing field. With adoption relationships, atleast for me, it isn't an even field. Someone else holds more power. 2. What are your roadblocks and how can you overcome them? My roadblocks is that I have to keep asking for visits. I have to pick up the phone and call and then begin a few days of phone tag to get one set up. 3. What things could have been done before you entered into your open adoption relationship that could have helped you prepare for these challenges or avoided them completely? I wish we got more things/topics covered when we first met them and didn't rush into a decision. That whole time frame just seemed rushed to me.

I'm sorry Leigh that you have to initiate all the contact. When were you matched with them?

[FONT="Century Gothic"]We met them about a week after J was born.[/FONT]

Ooh, I like questions. 1. Fear is a huge roadblock in adoption relationships. Why is this so for adoption relationships when it might not be a factor for other relationships?

Actually, fear is a roadblock in ANY relationship. For example, I have an anxiety disorder and going out and meeting new friends in general? HUGE PROBLEM for me. That doesn't mean that I don't wish to conquer that fear and get past it. Likewise, fear in open adoption should be something to WANT to get past, not an excuse to sit, stagnant. To quote Theodore Roosevelt, twice in one week: 2. What are your roadblocks and how can you overcome them? With my anxiety, I sometimes get really freaked out when I have to discuss an issue, however small, with J&D. I go through all of these "worst-case-scenarios" in my head, freak myself out and feel emotionally paralyzed. I also have a tendency to think/feel that if I was just "stronger" or "better" that I wouldn't feel x, y or z way, so I'll sit on things for awhile before bringing them to J&D. I'm working on those things, by myself and in therapy. 3. What things could have been done before you entered into your open adoption relationship that could have helped you prepare for these challenges or avoided them completely?I think if my anxiety had been diagnosed earlier in life, as my Mom recently said, I might have had an easier time coping with some situations. My Mom feels guilty for that but it's not her fault. Also, if I wasn't so stubborn... ;)

Um, Jenna, did you just read my mind. ;) You are right, fear is an issue in any relationship. I just think it's more prevalent, or maybe there's more to lose in adoption relationships than some other relationships.

I think it is a part of any relationship.. in varying degrees. With adoption the fear is exacerbated by a number of things. For birthparents, it is the power differential that causes a lot of the fear of rejection. Adoptive parents really have all the active power, whether they believe it or not. I have seen birthparents use their passive power, that is not responding to adoptive parent requests, or showing up for visits or even cutting off contact as a way of dealing with the uncertainty in the relationship. For me, calling still makes my heart race... and my son is 22 years old!! You think practice would have desenitized me by now. Calling is big, especially if it is to arrange visits (and it doesn't matter if it is with or without my son. Maybe hearing that it is OK to call. Although knowing Cathy she said it and I don't remember it.

I think you are right Brenda. I think alot of the fear is due to a real imbalance of power.

Wow, it's interesting that calling is so big. For the last couple of years, I've avoided it all together and my husband calls and handles the contact with them. if he's got the phone and he's making the call, I can't even be in the same room, I just can't stand it. The thought of calling amom has my heart pounding to the point I feel I could pass out. I can handle talking to the adad a bit more. if I had to call, I'd call him before her. I don't even want to see them. The last visit, I made my husband drop me off at the book store while he picked our son up. I actually haven't been in their company for three years and we don't like our daughter to be around them either. All very sad really. But then again, there are so many issues in our relationship and I get caught up in the emotions of that. My husband, it's water off a duck's back what they think of him, or the relationship, or whatever. All that matters to him is seeing our son and he does what he has to to achieve that. Lucy