Forgiveness and Trying to Let Go (LOONG!)

Lately I've been doing a lot of processing and struggling and soul searching in regards to my adoption story, and one of the things I keep coming back to is my DD's birthfather. We have always had a very rocky road of things, lots of shades of gray and emotion involved, even before I learned I was pregnant, we were always on and off a lot. As friends we got along, but there was always an attraction there that we couldn't ignore. But once we took it to the next level, it fell apart quickly. I always gave him too much credit and he never gave me enough credit. I always wanted and expected more than he could give and he couldn't express what he wanted. We always ended badly, usually in some kind of argument in which I would lash out out of hurt feelings, and he would get cold and cruel. We wouldn't talk for a while, but once the hurt subsided and the wounds healed somewhat, I would feel bad for being so hurtful, and wish that we could just be civil. Usually, I'd make contact with him again, and we'd start to talk forgetting what it was that made us so mad in the first place. We would eventually try to repair the friendship. And then it would start all over again. Once I had DD it got a lot more intense: the bond we felt we shared, the reconciliations, the fighting and the hurt when things fell apart, as they always did. He did not support me for most of my pregnancy and due to a falling out that was particularly bad, he did not help me choose to place. (he had thought I terminated the pregnancy, as that was initally the plan, but when I changed my mind we were no longer speaking) I did confess in my 7th month, and he was there for me emotionally during those last eight weeks. I know he has struggled a lot with the adoption, with our relationship, and his guilt with not being there for me, as well as his ability to trust me for hiding the pregnancy from him for that period of time. I too have struggled with issues of being left to deal with the majority of it alone, and being able to want to trust someone who played such an important part in your life, but always manages to let you down somehow. I'm not the kind of person who is able to hold a grudge, I believe that the past is something that you cannot change, and to hold on to hurt and anger does nothing but continue to harbor negative feelings. It doesn't ease the pain or heal the hurt. Eventually it drains me, and I forgive. I have not seen DD's birthfather in almost eight years. We have both moved on romantically, and have lead seperate lives for the most part for the past five years. The only contact we had was in regards to our DD, and the possibility of resuming contact (seperately) with her family. I knew he always loved her and wanted to know her. I always felt that in regards to adoption issues, my personal feelings should not stand in the way of any relationship he should have with her, and that included passing along any info I had, so I promised that I would always keep that line open to him,and he did the same. So when I found her this past summer, I shared with him the info that I had found, not even out of obligation so much as he was the first person I realy wanted to share it with, as he was the only person who could really understand everything I was feeling. He was shocked at first, as was I and we both agreed we would take time to let the emotions settle, and we would check in with eachother before we did anything, just as a courtesy. He didn't keep his end of the bargain, and he shut me out, and didn't return any follow up messages I didn't learn of the contact and the consequences it had on DD until I had gone a head with contact myself. I was really upset (some of you may know this, since I posted a lot about this) and sent a really harsh e mail to him out of sheer hurt that even now 15 years later, he still let me down, and stupid me gave him too much credit, when I should have known better. That was seven months ago, and I still struggle with his actions and my reaction. I know deep down that in regards to DD, he acted out of his emotions and not from logic. I can't say I blame him. I did the same when I wrote him the e mail, just minutes after I learned what he did. I know I had to cut him out of my life, and it hurt like heck to do so. I've felt the need to get this out lately,as I think he may be struggling right now too. I 've been wanting lately to reach out to him, even to just say I'm sorry and I kinda understand and I hate the negative feelings,and I don't hate him and I wish we could communicate, because he will always be an important part of my life, (even if he is selfish you know what!) But I know I can't. I hate the way it sits in my soul. So I thought it might be better to bore y'all and get it out here :) Thanks for letting me go on:thanks: