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Hi all,My husband and I are both white and just starting the process towards adoption. We'll be going through the state and doing foster-to-adopt, and it seems likely we'll adopt a child who is a person of color.We've both been reading a lot and trying to educate ourselves as much as possible doing so about what it means to do a transracial adoption. DH and I both went through graduate programs in history, and are probably more aware at least historically speaking of the tragedies and challenges facing people of color in America and around the world. We both have an understanding of post-colonialism and the evils of the civilizing mission, etc. Still, we are white. The community we live in is predominantly white, and it definitely has problems when it comes to race, though these are not obvious to many white community members. For instance, a disproportionate number of people of color get kicked out of the public schools around here and sent to the continuation schools. I teach at the continuation high school. I see it. So my (first) question for any adoptee of color who was adopted by white parents is, should we avoid adopting a child of color? Please understand, I would love to adopt a child of color. I would love to immerse our family in the culture associated to the child's race. I would find them beautiful in their difference. But is that enough?DH and I have talked about moving to a bigger community in order to have access to diversity there, although it would be hard because we love our home. We live in a rural place, we have chickens, etc. It's kind of a homestead thing, and our goal for a long time has been to buy a house further out and get goats and sheep! :) But if things do work out for us adopting, and we do have a child of color placed with us, we realize that they would have little access to role models of their own race, and other children of their own race. We currently have no nonwhite friends, because of where we live. I have some very good friends who live elsewhere, but all of the people I'm friends with in the vicinity are white. This community was red-lined. Some of the nearby towns were sun-down towns. We chose to move here because of the nature, and because it seemed like a hippy-haven, and since we've been here we've been disappointed in the reality of the community, which is actually pretty conservative and definitely predominantly white.Anyway, I've been reading some of the blogs out there by transracial adoptees, and the impression I'm getting is that the best thing we can do may be to not adopt a child of color at all. I hate how that sounds! Ugh. I hope my meaning is clear. What we both want is to provide the best possible home for the child we adopt, and it seems like maybe due to our race, we would not be able to provide the best possible home for a child of color. What do you think?Sorry for the long post! I appreciate any and all responses. :)
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I don't think there are many, if any, transracial adoptees that frequent this site anymore. There is a subforum on the adoptive parents forum that has some really in-depth conversations about transracial adoption (think that is the subforum name). Look for the multi-page threads and really listen to what they have to say from the adoptive parent perspective. There is also a post by me in the first subforum in the Adoptive Parent forum regarding a NPR blog post / interview with a transracial adoption - that happened O believe because so many protested the previous segment on transracial adoption done by a white Adoptive Parent of very small children. Land of a Gazillion Adoptees has an on-line magazine about transracial adoption with many different voices featured each month. Google it or go to their face book page by the same name. Kind regards, Dickons
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Are we allowed to post links here? [url=http://www.npr.org/2014/01/26/266434175/growing-up-white-transracial-adoptee-learned-to-be-black?utm_content=socialflow&utm_campaign=nprfacebook&utm_source=npr&utm_medium=facebook]Growing up white ...[/url] If not, my apologies, and mods feel free to remove this post.
I'm not an adoptee, but I'm bi-racial and was raised exclusively by my white, blonde, blue-eyed mother. Living in upstate New York where there were no Asians remains an awful and painful memory; no matter how wonderful and protective my mom was, she couldn't save me from the every day cruelty of kids. When I was ten we moved and living in Silicon Valley where there were kids of every race and families of every possible combination was great. I didn't need my mom to protect me, because there was no "normal". So while you love your rural lifestyle, you keep yourself isolated from diversity, and I do see that as a potential problem. The link above is great - parents are wonderful but growing up under the umbrella of white privilege without people to help show you the other side, is setting a kid up for a really difficult time when they're old enough to understand, especially in an area that already seem to have race-based issues. If you want a child of color, then I would tell you to move to a place where diversity is real.
Thanks for the responses! I did read both NPR articles, as well as blog post by a woman originally interviewed for the first article who was cut from it. She is an adult transracial adoptee. I've read a few other blogs, too. Dickons, thanks for the pointers, I'll check those threads out, and the online magazine. Maluhia, thank you for your perspective. You confirm for me what we were thinking. I wish I knew of a rural community like ours that has good diversity. Ours is in California and we're credentialed teachers here; moving outside CA isn't impossible, but it would be complicated. Add to that some studies I've read that seem to imply that the farther east you go (esp. southeast) the more racism, sexism, ablism, and homophobia you encounter. We've talked about Hawaii. Maybe we need to look into that more seriously. :) We're not fond of big cities. We chose to move out here because on some level we're really recluses, I think. We love animals and want to live in a place where our neighbors don't care about a rooster crowing at 5am. So it's tough to think that the only way to provide a good environment to our potential child would be to move to the Bay Area or some equally densely populated place. However, I hear what you're saying. It makes me sick to think that a parent can't protect their child from the cruelty and prejudice of other children, but I know it's true. It's not just racism that's an issue, either. As a teacher I've watched the bully videos and it makes me want to homeschool my biological son. But I also want him to have all the things that are good out in the world. So it's a tough choice to make, and a tough thing to figure out.
Hello!I'm not 'of color' by which I assume you mean black. ;-) But I am a Native adoptee raised in a white household in a white suburb so I faced many of the same issues. Firstly I'd like to say that there's nothing wrong with knowing your limits or knowing that you live in a situation that simply isn't fit for certain kinds of adoptees. I think adoptions require honesty and sometimes that means honesty enough to know certain children or types of children simply would not do well because of whatever it is in your situation. So I hope you don't feel bad and are never made to feel bad because you understand that your community may simply be too hostile to a non-white child. It's a very fair concern.My [adoptive] parents were given the same line that pretty much every prospective adopter is. Love them and that's enough. Except...it isn't. Love doesn't provide an identity. It doesn't replace a culture you lost. It doesn't replace seeing yourself represented (physically) by the people around you. It doesn't link you to your past history. It was not something I was so aware of as a child, but as I became an adult I started to realize how much of my culture I had lost and how difficult it is to reclaim it. I have intense jealousy towards other Natives raised in the culture. I imagine this would be similar, potentially, to black children raised in white households instead of black households and neighborhoods. I think parents who adopt transracially really need to go above and beyond and make constant work to keep their child attached as much to their culture as possible. I understand how difficult it is, but I think when you make that decision to adopt outside of your culture that's something that you have to take on. If you don't see this as being realistic or do-able for whatever reason, I think this is where the honesty has to come in and you have to be fair to your potential adoptee. It's sad when children only get a few token gestures in their lifetime; a doll in their skin color and maybe a poster on the wall and a couple books and that's the extent of many adoptive family's attempts to keep culture. I get it, it's hard to teach when you know nothing of it yourself. But I think at that point it's important to reach out and find resources that can teach your child.Just my .02 as a TR adoptee. I wish you all the best.
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Thank you for responding! And by "of color" I was trying to be inclusive of all ethnicities, so your situation is exactly what I had in mind. Thank you again for sharing! I will definitely share your response with my husband. We're still working on the steps to certification, so I don't know how it will play out and whether we'll be offered a baby who is nonwhite. If we are offered one, I think at this point we've agreed that we will accept her, though I understand it may eventually mean we'll have to move to a more multicultural place. :)
First of all, I think you are wonderful for seeking out information about this before hand. Adoption is a huge beast to take on and when you add in transracial adoption in, it adds a whole other level of complexity to it. I am a transracial adoptee raised in a predominantly white area by white parents. I don't want to say transracial adoption shouldn't be done, but it will be very difficult for both you and moreso for the child and there are things you should prepare yourself for if you go this route. There is racial discrimination that you will have never experienced first hand that your child will face at a very young age. Some of it is obvious and some is more subtle, but your child will realize that the struggles they face daily based on the way they look are not ones you had to go through and will not fully understand how that feels. I saw in another forum that I thought was excellent advice, the first person of color you know should not be your child. I strongly suggest if you do go this route, that you make an effort to incorporate your childs culture into yours and their life. This is something I really wish my adopted parents had done, as I find myself not being able to fully relate with either the white culture based on my looks, nor with the culture that shares my looks because I know very little about it besides what I've read in books. And when pushed for information about my culture, I feel like I am just reciting lines from a book because I am not familiar with any of those cultural practices first hand. Let me know if you have any other questions, and good luck!