Seeking your advice

We lead a normal life raising our daughter even when we started the adoption process.For me the craziness hit when the judge looked at us and said"You have no legal standing and YOU created this mess". I went from a 5 1/2 yr old daddy to a worthless criminal with no right to even think I should be called a daddy.I struggled with that until one day I noticed that my sweet little daughter did not care about anything that was said nor did she care that we had no piece of paper that said she is now my daughter and you can now legally call me daddy. I fell victim to the words of a man that has never seen us living our lives and knew us only as a case number. I was then able to look at our situation and not only believe she will stay in my brain but in my heart.I belive that a true trust in GOD comes from your heart not your brain.I can read scripture and my brain can start getting me to think " I wonder if this really happened".I then start to doubt everything. I put to much thought into anything I can start to doubt. I look into a few times of my past and remember where GOD actually touched my life, I feel this in my heart. I do not believe my daughter will remain with us because I "THINK" she will. I believe she will remain with us because in my heart I feel it and thus believe it. DO YOU FEEL IT? If you honestly do then believe it.Trust fully in the one that put that feeling there. I do not think about will I ever be the same or anything that pertains to the distant future.I live for today and in some cases plan for tomorrow. I said before that we had an alternate plan and that we have given up. I just do not care anymore. What I mean by that is I am done trying to figure out the court system only because like I said if I put to much thought into it I begin to doubt. Your son will go no where until the day he comes to you and says " Well mom it is time for me to get my own apartment". GOD BLESS

You - each of you - have helped me so much. Thank you! I read these posts. I re-read them and then read them more. I gain strength and hope from you. daddysangel - I do not feel it in my heart. In my heart is doubt and fear. I am hoping if I can change the way I think about it that maybe I can feel it in my heart. My family is sometimes helpful - sometimes hurtful. My Mom keeps saying things like "Don't go buying clothes for him for next year because he may not be here." Other family members have said that I am not ever going to be allowed to keep him because I am being punished by God. I have even been told that if the adoption is finalized that then he will probably be taken away from me by God (death) because I am a "sinner" in the eyes of God. These things help to keep me very afraid. HadFaith - you have described very clearly what I am experiencing:"I was always a strong, confident, fun, "bubbly" personality, but I lost a lot of that. I had to use all my strength just to do the most basic things and try to hide the misery rom my precious baby girl. It's like the rest of me and my life went on hold - like someone pushed a "pause" button. ... I'm different, I'll never be the same , no one can go back after what we've all been through, ..." But knowing you are now beginning to recover gives me some hope. I used to really like ME. I was positive, spritual, optimistic, seeing whatever good there was to see, loving, funny... and now "I" am GONE. I don't know who I am anymore. I am so different that I feel like the me I was proud of is gone forever and there is no going back. Who am I? Not who I was. I MISS "me".:( MamaS - yes, chocolate is great! Unfortunately I have been eating TOO much of it. While not fat, it keeps me from losing the extra pounds I need to and want to. "Stree-eating" - UGH! But it does make me feel better.:cake: sadiegirl - I also feel like "But emotionally, I will NEVER be over it." And it is good to know I am not strange, abnormal, in my feelings. My feelings are normal perhaps. You also said "I kind of compare this contested adoption to my 4 m/c's; yes it's made me stronger but it will always and forever be with me." And I have also been through 3 m/c's - all of them by myself because my husband was overseas in Iraq. I still grieve them. For me your post is not a "downer" as it does help to affirm that my feelings are validated. billysmommy - You said "Then one day I decided that I was not going to let it consume me. I spent all the energy I had spent worrying instead on keeping busy. I decided that I wasn't going to live as a "maybe family", but as a real family." and then you said "I just went about my life as if she were already ours." - How did you do that? Josie - always words of wisdom from you... Thanks especially for spending the time with me on the phone and e-mail and PMs as you have. The give-and-take we have in those conversations is invaluable for me. StacyKelly - you are always here for me as well. I won't add anything now to your wonderful responses as we do more "talking" about these things in other ways. But your posts still mean SO much to me. So even though we communicate regularly it helps to read these here. Thank you! sadiegirl - I want to address one other thing from you seprately: "Also, emotionally, this has pretty much put the kibbosh on a 2nd adoption. In my heart of hearts, I SO want another child, but I just can't do it."OH HOW I STRUGGLE with this! I so very much desire another child - but know and am trying to accept that the pain has been too much and I can not afford (emotionally, financially) to ever try again. And I am so sad about that. :( Dear friends - thank you for your support, validation, understanding. It does help a lot to know that YOU are surviving and maybe I can too. I should P.S. another point: I think the cruxt of the issue here is that I am suffering from the continued pain and fear from so many years. AND doing this while my husband was overseas, driving a gun truck and escorting fuel tankers - well, the fear was magnified - manfested in several levels, and I did not have the support of my husband. My intense fear of losing my husband, coupled with my intense fear of losing my only child - well, it added a dimension and an element that magnified my terror in unimaginable ways. THREE YEARS of both of those drove the "ME" out of me. Every single day I waited on the army to notify me of my husband's demise or capture. Every single day I waited on the courts and the lawyers to contact me about trials and motions which seemed to go downhill with every hearing. I lived in a state of terror which was magnified by two separate events, but intertwined to create in me a constant state of fear - no, terror - and when I have live THAT long with that degree of deep-seated terror - well, how could I not be changed? And now my husband is home (he was only National Guard for goodness sake!) - but he still lives in the war. So he is here, yet he is gone. I THANK YOU :love: for being here for me and pray you will respond some more to this question. Each of you is making a difference for me. Each of you is helping me to hold up and keep going when I wake up paralyzed and feeling like it is too much. That is why I come here first thing each morning - for the support you continue to provide for me. My friends, please do not give up on me, on my thread. Please continue with your words of validation and advice and suggestions and hugs - all of which bring me - HOPE. Thank you. Thank you from my heart and my hurting soul. Christie

daddysangel - I do not feel it in my heart. In my heart is doubt and fear. I am hoping if I can change the way I think about it that maybe I can feel it in my heart. My family is sometimes helpful - sometimes hurtful. My Mom keeps saying things like "Don't go buying clothes for him for next year because he may not be here." Other family members have said that I am not ever going to be allowed to keep him because I am being punished by God. I have even been told that if the adoption is finalized that then he will probably be taken away from me by God (death) because I am a "sinner" in the eyes of God. These things help to keep me very afraid. Christie I do not know what denomination you follow if any and it really does not matter but from where I sit if GOD punished all people in this manner there would be no children and we would not need this forum.Helps to keep you afraid? I would have trouble being brave enough to live at all.I do NOT consider myself a christian unless you want to go by the deffinition in the dictionary.I struggled for many yrs 16 to 26 with who I was and what am I here for.I remember telling my dad once"If this is all life has to offer I want no part of it". I can not feel like a woman because we are different so all I can do is talk of my experiance with such struggles and maybe you can start thinking like a man.LOL I have an uncle who is a preacher and he always asked me "How are you and the LORD doing"? If I could not avoid him I would tell him"OK".One day he asked me and I told him "OK I mean I do not go to church or anything" He said"That is not what I asked you" "There are alot of people that I see in my church every sunday that will never make it to heaven". I am asking you how your personel relationship is with GOD"? " HE knows you and he is waiting for you to have a relationship with him". This is something that is personal between you and HIM". Ever since then it has been great and life has alot to offer.I never imagined I would be where I am at and what scares me the most is I do not believe HE is done yet.I just keep going wherever HE takes me and sometimes if I think about it I ask questions and wonder and begin to doubt because I do not get answers.It took me 10 yrs before I could look back and see things HE did and I never knew it.I thought it was me.With all my trying I have found out that it is impossible for me not to sin in some way and probably ways that I never knew were sins. I am today who GOD has formed me into.I am completely different then I was 20 yrs ago and in some areas I am different then I was two days ago. It makes no differance to me if people say things(Family or not) about me that are true or false.I know who I am and after 8 yrs of living with me, my daughter has a real good idea what dad is all about. We had a friend that told his daughter not to get any closer then she was to our daughter because she was going to be moving to NC. We told our daughter "Don't be sad about it.We will invite her to all your birthday partys and graduation and your wedding".Daughter's response"Promise". "yes honey we promise" If I look for it GOD gives me little peeks here and there on why HE is allowing this to go on and it may have nothing to do with us.He may be working a plan for the bfather and needs us to complete that.Who knows. I hope that all makes sense and now that you have read it go buy your son some new clothes. GOD BLESS

I was doing a little better - or rather trying to anyway until this: My lawyer cancelled our appointment saying that he was very confused and was not receiving cooperation from the other lawyers or from the judge. I blew a fuse on that one. I was not nice in my response. How could he be surprised? I had TOLD him when I hired him what all had happened. I backed it up with legal documents. I had explained it all in detail BEFORE I paid his retainer. I told him all of this and asked why he was now surprised and confused. I told him "Welcome to my world." I told him that he is part of this very system and how in the world could he be confused? He KNOWS what goes on. Lawyers CREATE this kind of mess and then pretend to be appalled, confused, surprised by it. What the heck? He said he can not do anything to make the judge respond to a motion. He can not force the other lawyer to provide the (supposed) documentation signed by the birthmother. Well then what good is he? He said he has been doing everything he can. Sure. So here I am AGAIN - Welcome to my world! I am back at square one even though this lawyer promised he could fix this. I told him when he said that, that I no longer believe it because I had heard it before. He told me "Look in my eyes. With the tears in your eyes, look in mine. I promise you I will fix this." daddysangel - I don't follow any "belief" any more. I used to. I believed there was meaning, and purpose, and right and wrong. Not now. Now it seems as though there is no justice - not in this world or any other. There is no such thing as "freedom" and the laws and codes and Constitution mean nothing - only what the judge wants. And this is a crooked, lying, political, heartless judicial system. My family is religious as you can tell and I don't want any part of it. The God they worship who they say is punishing me for some unknown sin is not one I want any part of. And my belief system has been shattered - spiritually, politically, judicially, judgmentally, - and I can't find any meaning and purpose in this. If God wanted me to raise this child then that could have been done without all of this "stuff." If God wanted to punish me - He already has. If God wanted me to "change" the system - I already tried. I would, in fact, be a better parent were I not having to go through all of this. I would have been able to provide better financially for my son. I would have less anxiety and more fun. I would have been able to spend more time with him and less time fighting this corruption. I would not have to work this summer to pay some of these bills; I would take the summer off (I'm a teacher) and spend it with my son. I have to find a way to stop asking, "What is the point?" I keep searching and find no answers. I also struggled for many years with who I am and why I am here. I came to peace with it for years. And now I am back there again.

Christie,I wish I could do more. Sometimes people start a journey that is personal to them and others can not guide them.I just do not know what to say.I can tell you that I have been there and know how difficult it is to take two steps forward and three steps back. We are heading into our fourth yr with our case and if the appeals court rules in our favor with the jurisdiction we will finally be back where we started from.( at the beginning).It took us this long to work our way back to the beginning. Sometimes I wish I would have never done it.Sometimes I want to do it again.Sometimes I want to hide where no one can find me.Sometimes I want to scream in public and humiliate everyone involved.Sometimes I think about how lucky you are.Sometimes I think I am glad I am not dealing with your case.Sometimes I want to say do not give up on GOD and sometimes I think you have every right to.Sometimes I listen to "I CAN ONLY IMAGINE" from Mercy ME because that is all I am capable of doing is imagining. Evil wins when it has taken away HOPE and FAITH.Evil does not care whether or not your son stays with you.It is looking at greater things and using whatever it can to strip you of your greatest gifts. I hope that you never feel alone and helpless.I wish I could find the right words to make it all go away.I pray that your journey turns out the way that you want it to. GOD BLESS

Spoke with my lawyer's office yesterday. Made a tough decision but took a final stance. Briefly:*bmom withdraws consent*bmom again signs a new consent with the stipulation of visitation*bmom had been offered - repeatedly - unlimited visits prior to her stipulation and stated she did not want them*bmom gets court-ordered visitation*bmom does not visit but uses the stipulation to file continuous motions against us*bmom says she wants calls and pics - we immediately agree and even offer to do it right thenbmom refuses to give any information for calls and pics*motions are filed by us - judge ignores them*bmom supposedly has some paperwork she has signed but her lawyer refuses to turn it over to us Yesterday: my lawyer says her attorney has requested a NEW "Agreement" which we are to work up and send to her office - but will not tell us what they are wanting. My lawyer asked me what to put in the new "Agreement." HA!:confused: Is that a joke? So I told him: NO MORE. No more offers. We have nothing left to offer. We have freely given everything she has requested and it has been denied. There is nothing else. If she does not want visits, letters, phone calls, or pics - then they have bargained themselves down to nothing. What to put in the new "Agreement"? Dismiss all pending charges against us. Fire her GAL who has requested to be removed but the judge has refused to address that motion. A final TPR: no visits, phone calls, letters, pics - nothing. She does not want anything we have offered and so our offer is nothing. A legal promise and guarantee of no more litigation against us. A statement to the fact that she has requested and refused herself everything she said she wanted and that she then abused her priveleges to harass us legally. A statement of some sort finalizing the adoption (which supposedly had already been finalized). THAT is my "Agreement" and I will "agree" to nothing more. Further, I stated that if the judge ordered mediation yet again then that would be fine but my stance remains the same. When asked about going to court I said fine - take it to court. Take it to appeals. Take it to the Supreme Court. I will no longer give. I have given and offered every single possible thing and have nothing left to offer. Legally dangerous? Possibly - but what else is there to do? So let's go. Let's fight. Let's put it ALL out there and if I am ruled against then let's take it another step and then another. Oh - and in the process let's make sure that this case is made known by the media, the State Bar, the Governor's office, the Attorney General's Office, the Judicial Inquiry Commission. There. I have said it. This will go quietly away or it will become a very loud circus and I will see to it. Last chance. No more.:darth: Of course it will be a while - no telling how long - before we have any idea how our response will be responded to. This is going to be a long ride even if THEY agree to our terms. Which is not likely. So I will wait quietly. Again. And I ask for your prayers and support as I wait because it is the wait which is terribly difficult for me. :( Any opinions or ideas on my response? I welcome them. Thank you dear friends for being here for me. Christie

Christie, I know you do not know me. I have been following your posts for a long time, and keeping you, and the others on this forum in my prayers. I have never posted before, because I have never lived through your expereinces, and I just did not know what to say. But now, I just had to comment. BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just feel so great that you took a stance of strength. It is like you have been beat up by bullies for years. And just like any bully, as long as you are weak and submissive, there is no reason to change. You have now pushed back! Yea! This should sure be a shock to their system! You remind me of Katherine the Great of Russia. When she was faced with losing it all, she took an aggressive stance, and won it all. I will hold you in my prayers. Kay

WAY TO GO, CHRISTIE!!!!I haven't joined a protest march since college, but I will gladly drive to Alabama and picket that judge's courtroom! In fact, I think the courtroom should be filled with "friends of adoption" all quietly taking notes. Then these notes need to be turned into articles and tv news stories, spotlighting the way the Alabama judicial system abuses parents and children.Just say when!

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You KNOW how I feel. This is the ONLY choice you have any more. Once they know you are done playing, SOME DECISION will be made. Yes, maybe it will take a while. Then again, maybe they will see that it's time to get down to business and make a decision one way or the other. How far is the drive from Alabama to Columbus? I'll do my very best to be there. Love you,

Christie, I to do not think they gave you much of a choice. :cowboy: We will be praying and supporting you and hope it all ends soon for you. GOD BLESS

WOW! Thank you for the support and words of encouragement. I have gotten some of my strength back it seems - and YOU helped em with that. Thank you!:thanks: 2Bulgarianbeauties - it was so good to read your input. Thank you! MamaS - I smiled when I read your post. Boy, talk about supporting me! Very generous and lifts my spirits to think maybe there would be people with me letting the judge and others know that this is going to be taken very seriously if allowed to continue. If it ever gets to that point I will WELCOME you and anyone else who could come. Seems that would make a difference. daddysangel I love your icon you gave me. Says it all! Josie - my greatest wish is for this to all go away. Now. Quickly. But after almost five years of it I just don't see it suddenly fixing itself. I can't help but feel that it will drag on and on and on... mediation, back-and-forth discussions between the lawyers, litigation - but OK. I mean, I have been giving in and giving in and going through this for so long now that clear and undisputed resolution seems like a light far away in a long, dark tunnel. Waiting, waiting, waiting. It is disheartening and difficult. I feel like this fish just swimming around and around in a bowl. :fish: I am hoping and praying for resolution without fanfare, and for a speedy trial (what a joke!). I am afraid I am doing the wrong thing. But I have no more to give and nothing else to offer. So now this is me: :cowboy: And I thank you guys for your love and support and prayers. Every reply helps - please let me know what you think and if you have any other ideas. Christie

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You go girl! A new agreement? HA! I LOOOOOVE your new agreement! And you know what? I have this feeling that this will be agreed to by bmom. We're all behind you 100%! And we'll also be praying all the way as well. :yoda: This guy is appropriate! One of my favorite quotes in life actually comes from this little green man. "Do. Or do not. There is no try". :flowergift:

Christie I have been off the board for a while enjoying J baby. She is doing great at 10 lbs... I was wondering how you were doing and was going to send you a PM when I saw this post. I hope you and the family are doing well. Hang in there. Looks like you had an epiphany.. how ever that is spelled and you have to go for it. Good luck and I am thinking about you. AJ

Oh my. I was contacted by another mother who is going through the exact same thing in regard to her child - same county, same judge. She had heard about my case. She is suffering terribly and I am so sorry for her. This system of "justice" (what a joke!) must have it down to a pat: same motions filed, same court results, etc. Has anyone read the book "Legal Abuse Syndrome" written by Karin Huffer? [url=http://www.legalabusesyndrome.org/]www.legalabusesyndrome.org[/url] I have read it many times now over these years. I gave my copy to this other woman. She was so thankful to be able to read about this very thing and it gives suggestions on what to do. I am sooooooo sorry for her. I warned her about a few things to expect and what worked and did not work in my case. I am glad to be able to help someone else as at least my experience will be of some benefit. So now there are two of us that we know of - but we also know there has to be more. There is no way we are the only two, and since even a lot of the wording was the same it almost appears they are just using one form and changing names. I am so sorry for the others in that county. This is sad and sick. ChristieS

Glad to know you got some of your strength back!!! My prayers are still with you. Keep the faith God will see you through this...God placed this angel with you because he needed such a strong mommy and knew you would be the one! I have to say one thing you have been put through so much and yet you are still hanging in there..which just keeps proving your love for your little angel!!! Sending our thoughts and more prayers your way...Peace will come soon....:flowergift: