You just found out. What do you want to hear?

I sought out adoption on my own when I was in my crisis pregnancy. I didn't go through a counselor or anything... but I think the main thing I would have wanted to hear is that I'm not alone. I had no idea that there was this whole other world, this community of women who, whether it was 4 months ago or 40 years ago, for one reason or another placed their children for adoption. And yes, it is important to tell these girls that it will not be an easy road... but it is also EXTREMELY important to tell them that life DOES go on... that placing thier child for adoption does not have to be the end of the road. That they don't have to see it as a negative thing. That they WILL mourn and grieve, but they will also SMILE and laugh. Mainly, that it's possible to have a good life, even though you're making the most important and hardest decision ever.When I was an expectant mother, I got much more negative feedback than positive. My mind was already made up... what was the use in these people telling me how hard it would be and how I'd be miserable the rest of my life?I just hope that you talk about adoption as a beautiful and life-affirming alternative. It is not an easy road, but, at least in my case, it is worth it to see my son in a happy home, and to see how his parents lives have been MADE by their sweet baby boy.

Hmm, honestly, that I didn't have to decide that minute and I could take a while to take everything in and think, then decide. I think people feel like when they first find out they are pregnant they have to decide on what to do right away. That's not always the case. I also like to know what "adoption" and "open adoption" means and how that will effect me and my child.

I think another thing is something that Littlebitty brought up. That usually life does go on, in most cases. Your life will not be a death sentence. *I say that in MOST cases*

THis is untrue. I personally wrote the letter that became a part of the profile shown to expecting mothers considering adoption. My agency made NO changes and had no input.

Thanks for picking up on this comment Tammy. You are right, from what I know, most agencies, have little to no input into Dear Birthmother letters. They might make suggestions, but bottom line you can put what you want in them. Truth - sounds like you are pretty cynical of the adoption experience. You are right there is no guarantee that an open adoption will stay open. Faith and trust are huge players in open adoption.

That's good to know. I read otherwise on other boards so maybe it depends on the agency.

Just a thought: aren't there are laws that are trying to be passed that an open adoption has to stay open unless proven that the openess isn't a good idea, such as if the mother is doing drugs and can negatively affect the child? I have read this too. Anyone know if this is true? If it did pass in some states? Or it's just a plan that may happen in the future? I have read so many different things, I don't know what is accurate or not accurate.

THis is definitely something that must be said to someone considering open adoption, regardless of whether you are an expecting parent or a waiting family. SOmetimes, as in our case, the open adoption will not stay open no matter how hard you try to make it work. And sometimes, it is the decision of the first family not the adoptive family to stop contact. It's about the relationship committed to and worked on for the short term and the long haul. But there are no guarantees...

This is true. There are states that have binding agreements for openness. Of course, it depends on the integrity of the people entering into the agreement whether it is useful or not.

I also believe it depends on the agency because I have a very close relationship with my bdaughters Aparents and the amom told me that the agency wrote up the letter based on questions (like an interview) they asked her and her husband. She said she was thankful that they did that because the letter came out to be very impressive. But this isn't the case with every agency.

Yes, this was also true in our case. DH and I chose EVERY photo and EVERY word that went into our profile, and the agency had NO input. In fact, I didn't like any of the "sample" ones the agency showed and asked them if we could do our own thing; they said sure.

Thanks, everyone for the good info. I talked to the volunteers and it was a big success. They were really happy to hear different perspectives...

Glad we could help. So what role do you or will you play at the care center?

Actually, I don't play any role at the care center. I work for a different agency in town, writing homestudies and doing pregnancy counseling. The crisis center asked me to come in and do a training for their volunteers...basically give them info about adoption-current trends or practices (versus 1970s era adoption) P.C. terminology, how to bring it up with women at the center...stuff like that.

About an open adoption staying open... When I decided that my son would be placed in another home, I did it for him and for the daughter I already have. I decided to convince myself that when I said goodbye to him, when he was 2 days old, that that would be the last time I would ever see him... that he was no longer mine. It might sound kind of sad, but it's helped me, personally. That way, any contact I DO get with his parents, and when I DO get to see him, it is like this miracle, full of much happiness. I've been so blessed in that my son's parents and I have become very, very good friends. But I also made it clear that if, at any time, the openness of our adoption becomes a problem (like if he is struggling with it, or if it is affecting his life in a negative way... same thing goes with the daughter that I have), I will back off with no hesitation, and I will let him resume our relationship when he is ready. I never want him to regret our relationship, and I don't want to make anything hard on him or my daughter. I think it's important for birthmothers to remember (in many cases) that we did it for the wellbeing of our children, and a negative open relationship could be damaging to all parties involved. That goes both for birthparents and adoptive parents. Just two cents. :) Or maybe four.... haha