Never be normal..

most kids in foster care have attachment issues. Do you think that is what she was referring too? Why not ask her just what she meant by her comment?

She means sexually/mentally disturbed to where he would warp my kids other kids or be a terrible teen.

Raising a child with a history of sexual abuse is not for the faint of heart. She's right when she says he will never be normal. He may have moments or long periods of time when he behaves normally. That the abuse happened when he was young doesn't mean he won't remember it, he simply won't understand it when he's hit by flashbacks of the feelings he experienced. Definitely do your homework on attachment and how to parent a hurt child. Right about the time you think you have a handle on things there will be something that might seem to come from out of nowhere and you're looking at a meltdown. Build a support system, not just of friends and family, but learn how to find the support you need within the system, like therapy for him (and there may be times you feel like you could use it for yourself). That said, I would do this all over again in a heartbeat.

I worry that I'll ruin his little life more, like I wont be good enough to raise him as well as he needs after his tramas.. on the other hand I know for a fact he'd be alot better off in a stable home with a family like ours. I just am not sure what to do he really touched or hearts and we have lost alot of sleep over it. I feel like these threads talk about them almost like puppies.. its a sad situation for everyone involved. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Don't worry about ruining him. Your heart is in the right place; you care, and you are willing to ask questions and learn. You can do this. Do read up on attachment and on healing the hurt child. The rest is up to you as a mom. Plus, you might need to get some outside help when needed. Keep your eyes wide open and decide. REmember that you can make a difference if you choose to do it and are committed to him. Only you can decide.

Alicondra, are you a praying woman? Because my advice would be to pray about it and follow your heart. He will have some challenging behaviors... he won't be as easy as your other kids. But you are right, he will do better with a stable, forever family. If you are willing to do what ever it takes, you could be that family. He will need therapy off and on throughout his life. You will need to learn entirely new ways to parent him because what works for your other children will not always work for him.. But if you are feeling your heart pulling at you, if you are feeling that this is really the right thing to do, don't think that you won't be good enough! These kids don't need perfect parents. They need parents that are ready to go the distance. Parents that will love them unconditionally, and enough to put a whole lot of work in.

Thank you for your replys and support, I really appreciate it. It isn't that we are questioning taking him in. We have already started the home study. Unlike many of you I have NO experiance with this and I don't know what to expect. Half the time I don't even know the right way to parent my own children! I was hoping to hear stories of how children like him do gowing up, and maybe find some experianced parents to mentor us. I will not be winning any best mom awards any time soon but I know in my heart he was meant to be with us!

Ali, three years ago I had no experience in any of this. Now I have two adopted children, both special needs. You learn as you go, read everything you can get your hands on, take help from where ever you can find it. You will find all sorts of help and support here on these boards, as well as in the chat rooms. We all mentor each other. None of us feel we are award winning moms, but really, we are! And the fact that you are willing to open your heart and family says you are too.

I was rolling around and laughing on the floor when you mentioned 'experience like some of you'. HA! HA! HA! We adopted a toddler almost 7 years ago and...sorry, still laughing hysterically here...we had NO experiece with any kind of 'issues'. Nada; zip. The classes that were to prepare us did nothing to equip us as parents of a child with emotional special needs, or the special needs that come with an invisible physically handicapping condition such as fetal alcohol effect. Sure they mentioned fetal alcohol, and attachment problems...but there weren't any real 'how to's' given, and very little info was shared about whom to contact should you need help. (The class content and helpfulness varies by class, agency, county, state, etc.) In all we've become pretty well educated, for lack of a better word, in how to figure out what we need to do and how to find what we need to get it done. THAT was the hard part - finding resources to help us get the right tools to do what needs to be done. Once I figured out that it doesn't take a college degree in psychology, or the social sciences, or medicine, but 'just' a loving heart committed to caring for the children in MY home, we were off and running. (I know, I know. Doh! But for awhile I seriously thought that EVERYONE knew more about parenting my 'special needs' child than I did.) No, I don't know everything about parenting a child with special needs. I don't even know EVERYTHING about parenting MY children. However, I do know that I can't do it alone, that I must work daily to assess and meet the needs as I see them, and to look for those tools that will fit the job at hand. A measuring tape works for some jobs, not for others. A 100' measuring tape works well for some people, but there's so much tape involved that it is just too sprawly and hard to keep in line for me. Not all parenting techniques work for each child, not all parents use all the parenting techniques available. Don't panic. You'll learn as you go, just like we did. At least you're starting out by reading this web site and can bounce questions and ideas off of other parents who are in the same situations, which is more than I had going when I started out. :)

Your story sounds like mine. One year ago this week we started praying about adopting a child from foster care that I knew from school. She had been in care almost 4 years and was just now to the point of having all family members excluded for adoption. My husband and I really had no idea that this world of adoption existed. It is as if I have been going through life with my eyes closed. Almost one year later we have had a roller coaster ride that is about to be sealed in court with the adoption being final. I thought the paperwork was hard. Being a mommy to a hurting child is the hardest thing I have ever done. I've been reading these boards for a while, reading books and in counseling. Her attachment is growing and while she doesn't have RAD, she does have attachment issues. She came to us in Nov. and the first few months were the hardest. I remember crying myself to sleep in Christmas Eve and wondering what I had done to myself and my family. Things are much much better now. We still have a long way to go but we are much farther down the road then we were then. It can be done but it is hard. Be open to learning all that you can about adoption and attachment. Good luck.

Here's an important thing to remember for all of our children: No matter what string of letters someone may have after their name (we call that alphabet soup in my family) like MD or PHD or whatever, remember that you have some after your name, and they count more than any others you'll deal with: M.O.M. or D.A.D. Regardless of how award winning you think you are or aren't, you know what's best for your child, and you know when something's wrong. That's the best you can do, whether you child is "typically developing" or "special needs."

I'll second everyone's advice about you being able to do it. Caring a lot, and being willing to do whatever it takes---those are the prerequisites, not experience.But before you decide that you can make the commitment, ask to talk to the little boy's social worker and have a formal presentation made. She'll tell you about his past and about the problems they've identified so far. This will really help you make the decision about whether you have the resources to give to this child.

I'm sorry, but what's this normal thing I keep hearing about??? No, seriously, I don't know a normal person. My sister is diagnosed paranoid schizo. My best friend (with some health issues) is a mid-40s woman with five kids (two at home). Her son is in jail (totally bogus, don't get me started). I could go on, but the point is this...don't be worried about having a 'normal' kid. BTW, this isn't a slight against her, she's great...But you tell other guys that your best friend is a woman and then try to convince them you're straight, LOL. Anywhos...Think, pray, talk it over with your spouse, and then decide how much you can handle...then go for it. By all means, do your research, but don't get hung up on 'normal'. Everybody has issues, degree is all that differs. Again, decide for yourself what you can handle. Personally, I don't want to have to deal with another sexually abused kid, and that's from just babysitting one. It can be very scary...especially for a single guy. David