From Happiness to FRUSTRATION!!

From a therapist perspective I think she needs a counselor that will help her and her fiance' explore parenting first. I do not think adoption is a forgone conclusion yet. Only after fully exploring the parenting option then, and if parenting really is not seen as an option, should adoption be explored. Think of it from the perspective of the child. Wouldn't you want to know that your parents did everything to keep you in the family before they looked to others to parent you?

My post was actually from the perspective of finding a reputable agency/counsellor ***if*** adoption was the choice she decided to go with, additionally in other forums I have seen prospective aparents be less than kind if the decision is changed, hopefully a reputable place will be their for any decision.So I did not actually think it was a forgone conclusion, it is obvious this is painful, frightening and confusing and I was giving one perspective and information if the choice for adoption is made at any point.

Thank you for alll advice. I have been doing some research, reading "parent profiles" the about me section of course so I wont get suckered in to a "Dear Birthmother letter" prematurely. Spoke with my college counselor last night. I have also messaged back a few families from ParentProfiles.com just to get a feel for people. I've thought about what's important to me...education achieved, profession, family structure, etc...So I have really been doing some thinking about what I want in a family. I see how it can get overwhelming if you don't come up with a plan. So thank you for the advice. Everyone. Bio MOMMY to HaLerz 8/23/06

I so agree. My husband and I have gone through SO many issues regarding placing our son and living with it. It is hard, HARD, HARD to not point fingers, to not blame, to accept it is what it is. We've just gotten through "the birthday" and the emotions building up to that day -- it can be like a pressure cooker. I have to say in all honesty: The difficulty of living with the decison we made is infinitely harder than if we'd figured out a way to make things work before we placed. Lucy

I'm sorry for what you're going through -- been there with the sadness, mixed feelings and timing not being right. I hate to say this but I am going to because I wish someone had said it to me back then:There are no guarantees, I found, what I thought, were the textbook adoptive family. Educators, stay at home mother, even the white picket fence. I thought my son would have the perfect, stable life I felt he deserved. So I placed with them. And just a few years later? Well my son ended up in a long day care very early. Amom told me, she never really bonded to him because he's a negative, unhappy child. I hate day care, it's one of the reasons I decided to place because I didn't want my child in day care. (And I don't mean to offend people who use daycare, but for me, I don't like it). Now he's older, they keep changing schools, my son will now be at his third school, his siblings now at their fifth. So much for stability! They told me he would be sent to the best private schools, he goes to public school. Ironically, my daughter goes to a private school. And again, it's nothing against public schools but more about what I thought he was gaining when I placed. What I'm saying, is that often we think we are guaranteeing a child a better life by placing. I thought I was, but the truth is, if you're trying to guarantee anything, then you parent your child and do your best to provide them with whatever you feel is important in raising a child. Also, please, please please don't rely on adoption agency counseling. Get totally impartial counseling preferably with someone who can deal with adoption issues. Ditto legal counsel. Lucy

Your post was right on. We can't guarantee the children we place for adoption a better life, only a different life. Peace, Susan :hippie:

Haley, I feel very sad for you and yours. I am concerned that if adoption is your choice, resentment will have a devistating effect on your relationship. No matter what you decide it won't be easy, just be sure the decision you make is for the right reasons. God Speed

I'm not going to tell you what's right or wrong for you, that will be up to you to decide in the end! One thing I'd like to comment on though. You say one of your concerns is that you don't want the new baby to take anything away from your daughter. I have two daughters, one 4 one 2, and I have to say having a little sister is one of the absolute best things for my older daughter! Sure it's tough, but seeing them play together and hug each other brings me to tears everytime.

I posted before and am feeling the need to better express myself as the decision you make will effect will effect everyone for life. I am a bio mom to 4 and an A/mom to 4 also. I had my first daughter when I was 17, not married and never did to her father. I got married and had 3 children within 2 1/2yrs. and financially it was really tough but I could not think of giving up any one of my children for someone else to parent. It is not someone else's responsibility for your actions and this child. On the other side from an A/mom's perspective I see the pain these kids live with every day. The questions, why did they give me away, why didn't they love me enough, who am I, who do I look like, do I have any siblings, grandparents, where's my identity, where's my self esteem. I don't care how great of a parent you are or how much money you make what kind of car you drive or house you live in. NO ONE can take the place of ones' mother. Please consider this. There are places you can go for help to keep your family together adoption IMHO is not the solution.

Honey, as you can see from the date, I'm just now reading your posts and they make me sad for so many reasons. I'm a mother by birth to 4 children, now on their own and doing well in their lives. I was divorced, it was difficult, we had some tough times, but we all survived as we do when life throws us curves. I stayed single for a while and then met the most incredible man, 10 years my junior, and we have adopted 4 children and fostered many. Our last adoption was contested and it's been very difficult for us to understand why the birth parents did not parent but then changed their minds and contested the adoption. The adoption is now finalized. I give you this background just to know that I think I speak from many perspectives, none perfect, but I really do try to see all sides of things relating to adoption (and life in general). I just wanted to send a message to you supporting whatever decision you make. ONLY YOU know your true situation, your true feelings, the depth of your relationship with your babies' father, your own stability and desires for your life and for your children. I hope that in the last couple of months your decision has become a bit clearer. Take your time and have faith in yourself. Life is never certain and it changes constantly. The way you feel today is not the way you will feel 10 years from now. And the reality is that, whatever decision you make, you will need to find the strength to hold on. Blessings to you for having the strength to tell your story. All of the posts you have received back are heartfelt, but none are YOUR thoughts and feelings. They all come from the perspective that each individual who wrote them, has of the lives they have led. This is YOUR LIFE. Do it proud.

Well said Haleymaker! Life sure does have it's twists and turns. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I love hearing the "Happily Ever After" Ain't Life Grand! I wish you continued good fortune in life's journey God Speed,

I mostly lurk but I remember reading this thread when I first found this board a few years ago. I hope that HaleyMaker is well and that her fiance kept his promises. HaleyMaker, if you ever check back in, please let us know what happened.

My heart goes out to you.I wish you the best of luck on what ever journey you take.It's going to be hard no matter what.But you seem to be a strong young lady and things will work out for the best.:grouphug:

I wish I had asked mothers on this forum all the questions I had before I gave up my baby. I wish I had not lived in fear of not having ENOUGH... enough money, enough house, enough help.... I will never be the same bc of my decision and my heart will forever break over someone else raising my baby.

Hey Im New Here Have You Found Any Families? Can You Help Me Find A Family?