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Here's the cliff notes: My bfather was seperated from his FIRST wife when my bmother got pregnant with me. His FIRST wife also got pregnant that same week (so not sooo seperated). My bfather and bmother decided to put me up for adoption and not to tell his FIRST wife or their children about me. 18 years later, my bfather is divorced from his FIRST wife and he calls my bmom and asks if I want contact. My bmom who is not in contact with me at the time tells him to stay away from me. Bfather remarries SECOND wife. They have a child together. I am now in a great reunion relationship with my bmom. I started asking her about my bfather a year ago. She jumped the gun and contacted him to inform him of my interest in him. He responded to her well... promised to get back to her soon with an address where I could mail a letter. He also mentioned that his CURRENT wife does not know about me (neither does any of his children) but said that he wanted to do right by me and didn't want me to get hurt at all. Months went by no address for a letter. My bmom has requested one 5 times from him now. I told my bmom to STOP and let me handle things myself.
SO, wanting to take my bmom out of the equation (never having wanted her in this equation in the first place) I called his cell phone yesterday. I didn't think he would ever call her back with an address and felt like sending a letter to his home would really make things bad for him. He answered. We talked for 39 seconds. Long enough for me to get the idea that he is MAD at me and that he doesn't want to talk to me at all. I asked him if my number came up on his caller id and he said yes. I said he could call it any time if he changed his mind. He hung up on me.
I am really confused and suprized as he had indicated such different emotions concerning me to my bmom when I was 18 and to her on the phone the 2-3 times they talked about me earlier this year. I know that my timing could have been awkward for him but he has now had a full day to get 10 min alone to call me back if he wanted to but hasn't...?
Does anyone have any insight on what he may be thinking? I do not intend to contact him again. I just want to have peace and close this chapter of my adoption.
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It's never easy is it? It sounds like your bdad has again had a number of changes in his life since he told your bmom he wanted to be in contact with you. Sometimes I think too that the person being contacted thinks, "What does he or she want from me?" I think that was D's first response when he's parents told him I'd contacted him. I took several weeks before he actually contacted me... by e-mail. Again, you need to remind yourself, you have done nothing wrong. For him, it's about him. The sad thing is that he can't reach out to you as you have reached out to him. It's my belief that all our lives can be enriched by being in relationship with genetic relatives. Mine has certainly been enriched by D (and his entire afamily). Of course it's also human to fear the unknown. Your story reminds me that I need to let D contact his bfather's family in his own time. I did call his bdad's widow when I found him and gave her the info I had for him. (It was NOT a surprise for her although I don't know if D's half-brother knows -- J is several years younger than D and my other 2 children.) I truly want D to know his bfather's family (I really want to see D with his brother who looks incredibly like his Dad - or did the last time I saw him!) Sigh, it's so hard for mothers not to meddle! LOL For the next week you can concentrate of the Passion of Christ.. Who knows how things will look after Easter.
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That sounds very frustrating. I'm willing to bet that your call just caught him off guard and/or that he didn't feel he was in a position to talk at that moment. Perhaps he is just trying to gain some composure before calling you back, or perhaps figure out how he is going to address all of this with his wife and kids.
I'm so sorry to hear about his reaction. I hope he comes to grips with this in his mind and figures out what he needs to do. Keep us posted.
If I were you I would make sure B-mother stays completely out of it from here on out. maybe he is freaked more about all of his ex- girlfriends calls....maybe she has bugged him more then you know and maybe it is "She" who has become a headache for him and set the tone.you are an adult now....she should really back off, it is not her place anymore.[INDENT] [/INDENT]
If I were you I would make sure B-mother stays completely out of it from here on out. maybe he is freaked more about all of his ex- girlfriends calls....maybe she has bugged him more then you know and maybe it is "She" who has become a headache for him and set the tone.you are an adult now....she should really back off, it is not her place anymore.[INDENT] [/INDENT]
rainmon, I completely agree. I never asked her to become involved in the first place... she took that upon herself, without my permission, when I asked her for information. Her intentions were to try to make things easier on me and feel things out for me.... But she was completely out of line. I have sense put her back in her place. She feels horrible.
None the less, I do think her involvment could have tainted the situation but I can't undo it. It seemed that he responded well to her during their two phone conversations, the second of which he initiated... In the end he just never called her back with an address and months passed and she'd leave me a voicemail every other week to ask for an address.
I do not want the man to get the wrong idea about me... I am willing to respect his current family. I just want to talk to him for a few minutes when and if he is ever willing. But it is definately his call and his move next.
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I just wanted to add a big THANK YOU to everyone for responding to my situation... My reunion with my bmom had its rough spots early on but I forget all about those times now because everything feels so right (10 years later)! I guess I have to remember that I've "reunited" before and my bfather hasn't... he has no idea how to act or feel. It is only natural that he lash out because of fear or hurt or something??!
kakuehl
Hi Stephanie,
I thought I'd ask how things are going with your bdad.
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