Advertisements
[FONT=Arial Narrow]I'm not looking to be fooled by mere "BirthMother Letters" it has taken much courage for me and my fianc to look through ParentProfiles even being willing to let these families contact us. So I find it a bit confusing that I'm getting a email from an agency, NOT the families that I've contacted and reached out to wishing to speak with on my own, It makes it extremely impersonal to ask someone else questions about who these families really are. I'm not looking to talk to the middle man to find out more about who these people are. I've explained who I am and what my situation is so I expect them to contact my fianc and I on their own cognitive. Not to chit chat with some agency who really can't tell me a thing that I can't find out for myself. I have great intuition about people. I find it pretty fake to have someone else talk good about who you are as a person, they don't really know you. I'm the one who's judging their character for this baby inside me, not some agency. Anyways here I am going through the process. I'm a self motivated person and I expect self motivation from these families. Super stressful time.[/FONT] :banana:I'm nobody's FOOL:banana:
Like
Share
I can see how you would be frustrated. It reminds me of when we were trying to adopt for the first time and the agency/attorney told us "just trust us and do what we say" and we found out in retrospect that the way they did things was WAY different than the way we wanted to...The next time we were smarter and just by-passed the agency except for the legal/social worker stuff and communicated directly. It seems to make things much smoother b/c we weren't trying to go through a middle man...I guess I just want to say that some of these families may just be listening to their agency and not know any better and some might have been scammed before. If there is someone that really appeals to you, try being upfront and honest and see what happens with them. They might be a big cautious at first, but you will find someone you click with.Good luck to you......
Advertisements
Lucy_Mom
Non profit does not always mean reputable, which is a trap I fell into. I specially chose the agency I did because it advertised it was non profit. What wasn't advertised, however, is the fact the executive director is married to the attorney the agency "works with" and the ONLY attorney adoptive parents work with. So the aparents pay the attorney's office and the birthmothers work with the agency while these two entities are the bread and butter of a husband and wife team. Oh, and the director had an annual salary of 1/4 million for being the director of this small NP adoptioin agency. Lucy
I agree with you 100%. In our situation the birth mom and I met and really got to know one another through her whole pregnancy. Of course, neither one of us knew what to expect. For us, all we could do was be honest and open and just respectful to one another. We shared our feelings to one another as a hopeful adoptive mom and her feelings of a birth mom. We learned from one another through communication. Opening up our feelings and opinions made things so much easier. We never promised things to her that we could not have kept..and she did the same with us. The most amazing friendship formed and we worked together for one thing the best for the baby. It touched our hearts beyond words -to make such a loving and courageous choice of adoption. She will forever hold such a special place in our hearts...We all strongly felt that God allowed our paths to cross for a reason..that this was meant to be. Hearing the words that she is at peace knowing her baby is loved as our very own, meant the world to us. We still communicate..and one day I will happily tell our son of the endless amounts of love his birth mom has for him!!!:flowergift:
I don't know how the quote thingy works, but Tammy stated I wonder though, if that is the intention. For me, if I had my name on the parentprofiles (I didn't, I am in Canada) I would have loved to talk to an expecting parent directly. But I also would have been cautious. Just like any other relationship formed in such an anonymous way as the internet, there is always risk that the person isn't who they say they are. So if a waiting family didn't want that risk (some are willing to take the risk for the reason who speak of, they don't want to be impersonal), they may have put this protective measure in place to make sure that the people they talk to were serious in their conversation.I agree. I am Canadian as well and am on the registry at that site. We have received a number of calls, some were just checking us out and some were actual people trying to scam. I am on an internet site and I know that this is a way that some expectant parents choose the families for their children. Personally, I have spoken with and prefer to speak with each and every person that has talked to us, no matter what previous experience I have gone through. If I wasn't willing to have these initial conversations without my agency playing middle man, I wouldn't be listed on the site. I know that not everyone will agree with this and that's okay. We all do what we are comfortable with.
I believe in some states you can only advertise if you do list an agency or an attorney as the contact person. Of course, this should be worded somewhere in their profile. Well, I don't think they should say, "as by state law, please contact my attorney" but you know, something like, "Please contact my attorny (or social worker) at xxx and they will help you to contact us." Or something like that. I don't know, I've never listed with a site. I agree with what someone else said. Feel free to just move on. You have to make the right choice for you and your child.Big hugs.
Advertisements
[FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"]If it had been possible for me to find my daughter's parents without going through an agency, I would have much preffered it[/FONT]. I was not very satisfied with the agency that I went through. My advice: quit them! If you are at all unhappy with your agency than try another one (hopefully you have time?)
I have no idea how it would work if you didn't use an agency... the one thing the agency did give me was the security of the extensive background checks. But that was about it. I love my daughter's parents, but it bothered me to realize that a big influence on their decision to not adopt a second child was the expense. Where did that money go?
But that is an issue that you can't really get around.
The impersonalization that you describe may also be hard to avoid in an agency, but it may be worth looking around or talking with them about.
Good luck Haleymaker1. I really like your spunk!
You don't need to be fooled, you can find honest support out there (I hope).
I am an adoptive parent and have used parentprofiles.com in the past. I was encouraged to use an agency phone number as a "buffer", though I did disclose that in the "contact us" page. We got many many scammers by posting on the internet, the internet can too easliy be a scary place. I know many people that put there own phone numbers on there, and I hope you can connect with someone that you like, and just get a good feel for this option.
In my experience (with two agencies) they seem to like to have an "intake" call with the expectant mother. To do a bit of counseling, learn about your situation and your expectations, etc. prior to having you speak directly to an adoptive parent. If you would rather go straight to an adoptive parent first, I would just tell them that. If they can't work with you, then find someone that can. It is terrible that you have to do so much leg work.
I sense your frustration with this whole process, I hope you can find what you are looking for. Hang in there. I hope your Haley kisses help to get you through all of this.
Follow your heart!
as an adoptive mom, I think agencies do look at the money aspect and do not give the birthmother;s the respect they deserve. Here is a thought: have you considered asking a clergy/religious person in the area who know families personally and they can help find a family which meets your criteria. They are a wonderful resource and not looking to get anything out of it but happiness! Good luck
Advertisements
haleymaker1
[FONT=Arial Narrow]I'm not looking to be fooled by mere "BirthMother Letters" it has taken much courage for me and my fianc to look through ParentProfiles even being willing to let these families contact us. So I find it a bit confusing that I'm getting a email from an agency, NOT the families that I've contacted and reached out to wishing to speak with on my own, It makes it extremely impersonal to ask someone else questions about who these families really are. I'm not looking to talk to the middle man to find out more about who these people are. I've explained who I am and what my situation is so I expect them to contact my fianc and I on their own cognitive. Not to chit chat with some agency who really can't tell me a thing that I can't find out for myself. I have great intuition about people. I find it pretty fake to have someone else talk good about who you are as a person, they don't really know you. I'm the one who's judging their character for this baby inside me, not some agency. Anyways here I am going through the process. I'm a self motivated person and I expect self motivation from these families. Super stressful time.[/FONT] :banana:I'm nobody's FOOL:banana:
Hi,
I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. This my first time on this site. I know how you feel about it being frustrating though but, on the other side of it. My husband and I are interested in doing private adoption. I have been on a different site trying to meet someone. No luck though. I want to do a private adoption because I feel that money would be better used for college money for the child instead of giving it to an agency. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is a computer programmer. If you would like to get to know us better. Give me an email at michelle.miller@pobox.com:love:
Hey, I just wanted to throw my 2 cents out there and was wondering if you had considered looking by yourself. I know (personally) of several websites that allow hopeful parents to post their ads. They are not checked out, but I'm sure if they are serious they could provide a background check/ homestudy. Feel free to PM me and I'd be happy to answer questions about indy adoptions. Just be careful because some states do not allow indy matches. 90% of adoptions are done without an agency and only an attorney. :flowergift:
Haley...I completely agree with what you said in your last post. Openness is the only way to be in my opinion. This is why I am so in favor of open adoption. We even just got back from a camping trip with my son's Bio Dad and his family. We do a lot with Tyce's Bio Mom also.
Good luck and stick to your guns. If something doesn't feel right...it probably isn't!
Advertisements
Another route you may go is the private route. When my son's birthmother found out she was pregnant, she went to her family to see if they knew of anyone first hand who may have wanted to adopt. Her sister works for my husband and knew that we were trying to adopt. She put us together and we knew instantly we were all put together for a reason. It is a private adoption, not open, but since the families are connected, and the biological aunt sees my son on a regular basis, the birthmother knows he is well taken care of. I also send pictures on a regular basis. I say this as an alternative to the agency. We were hands on throughout the pregnancy and went to all of her appoointments. She was very comfortable with us because we spent quite a bit of time together. You just might want to put it out to family and friends what your plan is. What a great gift you are giving someone. I don't think it is asking too much to know the people who will be raising your son as their own.
Personally, I enjoyed using the agency as a buffer between the prospective adoptive parents and me. I was feeling very vulnerable (and I was), and I only had 5 months to make the most important decision of my life.
I was very lucky, perhaps, even blessed, to find a very good non-profit agency in the phone book.
They gave me a whole book of pre-screened couples to look through, money for pregnancy related expenses, a social worker to help me through the entire process, and I never had to pay a dime. All expenses were borne entirely by the adoptive parents and the agency.
It was also a relief to have someone holding my hand who wasn't looking to take my baby. I never felt pressured by the agency one way or another, but it is naturally a given what the prospective adoptive couples want. Otherwise, they wouldn't be there.
The prospective adoptive parents would have moved on to the next pregnant woman if I started having second thoughts, but the agency had referral programs in place to help me to keep and raise my child if I so chose.
I hope a prospective couple would have been understanding, but I doubt they would have helped me like the agency offered.