New Situation/New Questions

When you say "fall into place" what kind of scenarios would you imagine. Thanks for the support... the biggest thing is we are no longer desperate for anything other than our happiness. If the agency/EM walk then it was never meant to be. I used to put the desperation for a baby before EVERYTHING. G.

Hi Stormster "fall in place" means that the father will either sign or back off. Get the OK lawyer to talk to the father and see what his real intent is. If you can. All of our placements came to us after the birth (stork babies). Every "match" we had fell through after the birth. Can you arrange for the baby to go into private care before the parental rights are terminated?? This is a nerve wracking process. I am glad that we are no longer going through it. If you want to talk privately PM me and I will give you my email.

So this is the plan, just spoke to the attorney: She is serving him now (if they can find him) I reminded them he is on parole so I'm sure his parole officer knows just where he is. They don't think he will sign. When the baby is born, we are not going to the birth. We are going to arrange and pay for private care during the 15 days before the hearing. If the father doesn't show up, we come and get him. If the father plans to contest, we are going to pass. I know this sounds harsh but it is right for us.

No, I don't think this sounds harsh at all!!!!!! I think this sounds very, very wise. And this is the advice I'd have given to you too. Best advice I can think of. This business of bringing a baby home with the big questions of 'is the birthfather around and if so, is he on-board'.....are mighty big ones, IMO. I think you're both being wise and handling it very well. I can think of fewer, more painful things, than having to give back a baby that's already in your heart. Similar things have happened in our family and they were absolutely devestating. There's no need to put yourselves in that position again...and, as fiona has also pointed out, if 'it's to be, it will be'. And if it's not...at least your heart will be intact and you can go on to find the baby that IS for you. Best of luck to you and yours...... (((HUG))). Sincerely, Linny PS....Our last three babies have all been stork babies too. We wouldn't want to do it any other way....... :)

Stormster It sounds like a great plan for you. We will be praying that this is your baby and that everything happens the way it should.

When I told the agency in Oklahoma that we would support the baby but not bring him home until consent was signed by the father they declined and said that's not how they do things and it's against everything the agency does. So basically they wanted us at the birth, to take the baby immediately, bring the baby back to our State at legal risk and keep him until either consent is signed OR a trial is over! Basically foster him for months! We can't, I explained, and we passed. Here we go again. I'm getting paranoid that fathers everywhere don't want adoption at all! Ever! And as always, the little boy was already in my heart. I even bought a sling! My first purchase ever!

Stormster Sorry to hear that the agency wants you to assume all the risk in a risky situation. When the right situation comes along everything will just fall in place. We will keep praying that your baby comes home soon

I agree with Fiona. It's YOUR heart that gets broken if things don't work out, not that of the agency workers. Hope it works for them. In the meantime, there may be a little one in this world right this moment that is yours. Don't lose faith. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's SO HARD to stay strong. Lean on those on this board who are holding you up right now.

Oh Gwenn, I wouldn't be able to do it either. Not after all the heartbreak. Could you find an agency that does adoptions after TPR? It doesn't sound like this agency is one who understands the heartbreak over losing a child. I am glad you are taking steps to protect yourself. I would have done just as you have done. And I am so sorry. Honey, lean on us and let us help and support you through this process. Love to you, Christie

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but you did the best thing for yourself. I was in a situation where the birthfather was not onboard with an adoption plan. I had a foster-to-adopt baby. The plan was adoption. The agency told me they didn't know who the birthfather was -but a man stepped forward the next week. They said not to worry about it because it's possible he wasn't the father-plus, he had a serious drug problem and couldn't get clean. But this man wanted his daughter, and petitioned the court for custody. When it was denied, he petitioned for his sister (who's own children were removed from her care due to abuse) to have custody. Against the wishes of DHS, the judge gave the sister custody. It was a heartbreaking experience and the whole "custody" of baby A dragged out for months. I never knew from one day to the next if I was going to be able to keep her . I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If the birthfather in this situation wants the baby, your life will be a living hell while he tries to get custody. It's never a happy situation. And in the end, someone loses. Someone always ends up broken hearted. As sad as it is to pass on a potential placement, you did the right thing by protecting yourself. You deserve to bring home a baby that you KNOW is yours to keep. It will happen. Only a few weeks after giving baby A to her aunt, I picked up Hanna. She's the love of my life. Although I still miss & think about baby A, I wouldn't change a thing.

Stormster - I am SO sorry to hear about this latest situation. It is so difficult to keep getting your hopes up. While I know it's hard, I support you in this decision (well, the one the agency basically made for you). I heartily agree with the others who have said when YOUR baby comes, everything will work out!!! But having been on that side of things, it may not make the wait much easier! I'm glad you're able to come here and share, and get valuable advice from others! We're all hoping that your child comes to you very soon! And while you won't be using that sling right now, you know you bought if for YOUR child, and you WILL be using it!

So, this time the agency in Oklahoma (more of an attorney) kept changing the facts. When they first spoke to me the girl was due ummmm YESTERDAY. So that really got us moving FAST. Then the PBM told us she was ALWAYS due on May 9. OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH K! That's a one month difference. Then as you know I found out that the father was not incarcerated as I was told (full reason to terminate in Oklahoma) but had been out. I posted about that....then the length of time I had to be in OK went from 2 weeks to possibly a month or more. As you know I offered cradle care. They first refused but then 24 hours later offered to cradle care the baby themselves if I only went to the birth. First I said maybe but the realized, we really want to be with the baby from birth. But ok ...things are never perfect. It just bothered me that they kept changing things and in the end we realized we would not have ANY time to let another woman we have been speaking to know about it. Originally we would have had 2 months to tell her and she would have been fine as she knew what had happened. But we might never come out of that trial with a baby, we would have to notify this other woman (this only happened because of freakish timing not two timing!) now obviously to be fair to her and give her time to find a family. We realized that not only were we in a corner, but we were in that corner because of wrong info that actually changed until the last day when they mentioned "let me just make 100% sure that the mom doesn't want to parent the baby together with him because she's young and was in love with him" SAY WHAT???? We will not put ourselves in that position. It's so risky when we have another woman who is ready to commit (older, no known birth father...) and we already got to know well. Ok, I'm fine. I'm speaking to a few final women. We have placed our last ad. We will stay on the big site just in case though I'm living for the day I can take that down too. But that is not why I'm writing this. Yesterday I spent the whole day with my best friend and her daughter Jillian who is 6 months old and PERFECT. My friend has suffered terrible PPD and has not bonded AT ALL with the baby (common I know) and is a VERY nervous mom. When I was with the baby I really enjoyed taking my cues from her and just had the best time. BUT I WAS TIRED. I was just bone tired and it wasn't physical. I speak to ANYONE in this process and I"m 100% sure it is a scam (one was amazing and I almost ran away from it!). I'm so scammed out, so bone tired, so suspicious, so exhausted from my hopes going up and down and up and down that this last time I really wasn't even that excited! I am afraid i'm beaten down. I keep going of course and I do all the right things but the joy and mostly the feeling of being eager are just shut down! Should I see a counselor before the baby (oh and there will be one, there has to be one! In fact I feel him coming in my heart) comes? the only way I can explain it is like someone who has dated every single man in town and by the time she meets Mr. Right she doesn't even feel like she will fall in love because Yeah Right, Mr. Right. I know this will sound HORRIBLE. Esp. to people early in the process. But everyone is always so upbeat and I try to be but now it's not even a matter of reporting scams (which were more about shock and awe than anything). Now I just want to say I'm so afraid, numb, angry, bone tired ...I was with my favorite baby and while I felt joy I just also felt so sad. I'm so scared I'll still be sad when our little fella comes! I don't want to be a sad mama. I'm sure when I see him I'll come to LIFE but what if I'm really damaged from a year of pain and lies? I'm not depressed. I'm just not understanding what's happening to me and how to fix it. Or what kind of counselor to use if I do so which I think I should. Love, G.

Aww, honey, I felt so sad reading this. Adoption waiting definitely plays with your emotions in way your psyche is not ready for, even though we think we are. What are we to do? Give up because it hurts and it's "caution" one day and "elation" the next? I equate it with post traumatic stress disorder - expecting the worst all the time, finding it hard to get excited. Top that off with a contested adoption and some agency/attorney/facilitator not being totally honest with you. I can't even imagine how used up you are feeling. Give yourself a period of time to feel badly, get angry, deal with your negative emotions. You have a right. I sure hope things begin to turn around in your favor. In the meantime, feel free to PM me. I'd like to help if I can.

I will. :love:

I would definately see a councelor to help you through this diifcicult time. When we adopted my oldest daughter(throguh fostercare) her case was so crazy and exhausting that after I had already thougth I lost her and prepared to go she ended up staying and then just a month later she was ripped out of our home and eventually brought back to us. This SERIOUSLY affected me and I really struggled the first year to understand everything that had happened and why, and to really feel close to my daughter again and feel like she was really mine and that I wasn't going to loose her again. If I could have seen a councelor it would have been so much better for everyone, instead I suffered/struggled through it on my own and eventually came out on top again. But I'm sure it would have been much better if I had soemone to help me through it along the way. I wouldn't have missed out on all that time I could have been happy and secure enjoying my family.