What to do about MY parents?

I think my plan is (see how certain I am??), to talk to my mom when I get her alone. I'm just thinking of asking her if she ever thinks about him and what happened. What happens next, well, we'll see! Wish me luck.

Quantum, I hope you don't mind me chiming in here :) My birthmom was in a similar quandry...though her mother knew about her pregnancy and my birthmom's decision to place me (she was 23 at the time), my existence was not discussed by any of my birthfamily for 35 years. My birthmom was terrified about telling her mother we had "reunited". (Picture June Cleaver on Leave It to Beaver...that's my grandmother!) She waited a few weeks after our first f2f to tell her, and it went wonderfully. My grandmother always wondered what happened to me, but didn't ever bring it up because she felt that 1) it wasn't her place to do so and 2) that it would hurt her more to speak out loud about me. So....things may not be as scary as they seem :) I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do!

My situation is a bit different, in that it was truly my choice to place D. (My father was for adoption; my mother had offered to keep D until I finished school.) Dad and I were recently talking about it and both agreed that had I kept D, my mother would have taken over and I would NOT have gotten him back.) I'm not sure Mom ever forgave me. For many years after she had other grandchildren she included him in the number of grandsons she had when she wrote Christmas notes. Unfortunately, she did not live to see him (other than the one time in the hospital). My husband (not D's bdad) and other children were present at our first f2f. I did tell my family that I had found him and that we had met. My dad finally met him on Christmas Day (2006) at D's home. My siblings have not yet met him. (Except that before D and I were reunited, he lived literally next door to my sister for about 6 months or so!) I do agree with the other posters - just because they haven't said anything doesn't mean that your parents haven't thought about your bchild and wondered.

I agree. For the last 26 years I thought that nobody in the family but myself thought about my bson but since I've been contacted by him (for reunion) I've learned that just like me they have thought about him over the years. Not as much as me, obviously, but I'm sure their pain is almost as great as my own.

Mine's a little different perspective here, but my sister placed a son, my nephew, 22 years ago and my parents think about him all the time. My parents always wonder about him and want to know about him and they both would like to meet him and get to know him if it happens that he searches for us or my sister decides to search for him.My sister hasn't wanted to disrupt his life so she hasn't done anything to this point, but I've mentioned since I've become a bmom myself to my two girls that I wonder about my bnephew even more now and my parents have told me that they've always wondered and wanted to know about him. Like someone else mentioned, I think, my parents haven't ever said a lot to my sister because they haven't felt it was their place to do so and haven't wanted to hurt my sister by talking about it if she didn't want to talk about it.Anyway sorry for the long, rambling post, but just chiming in to say that my parents have always wondered and wanted to know about my sister's son that she placed and both my girls that I've placed. I've also wondered and wanted to know about my bnephew as well but haven't wanted to overstep my bounds with my sister either.

What my dad said to me when I started to search. First, my dad was remarried and out of state when I got pregnant at 15 in 1963, he didn't even know about it until I told him when I was 19, by that time I was married with two babies. fast forward 33 years, and when I told him I was looking, he said, well since you never talked about we just thought it didn't matter to you. They had no clue. A closed adoption, no information, no idea if my son was alive or dead, just what was there to talk about? It wasn't like I had an open adoption and recieved pictures and letters every year, or even an occiasional visit.. there was nothing to talk about. I didn't even know before that time there was so much emotion surppressed inside of me. So, I don't think your parents have forgotten. They may have hoped you did forget, or that they were just afraid to bring it up. So tell them you have searched, that you found and are developing a relationship. That you will one day bring him to meet them.. so they need to think about it. He is their grandson, just like any other grandchildren they might have, (if there are any) That you hope they can love him as you do.. That you would like there support in this, but it is happening. Good luck... and many Hugs:flowergift:

I did tell my mom after I had met bson. I also called her ELATED when he e-mailed me. My situation is a weird one. My son was adopted by my dad's cousin. My parents were VERY instrumental in this. In fact, I contested the adoption after my parents had signed the consent forms - and forced my consent - guess who is the black sheep of that family!!! So I have always known exactly where my son is - but I have respected his privacy his whole 18 years. It makes me nuts when my mom wants to act like we were all wronged together. We become victims together. First of all, I don't play the victim well. I wish I had half my knowledge and moxie of now - back then. I would have taken on my parents. Second, I do not want to "share" for lack of a better word, my son with my parents now. Not that it really is a factor since I have no clue what is going on with him. I thought we were making progress from his e-mail, but nothing since. I guess I have "forgiven" my parents. Ah- maybe not, but I have repressed it for the most part. I don't know if I can ever forgive them. I just try to keep it repressed and move on and have a normal day-to-day with them.

Have your parents been able to see your son over the years?

They saw him once on the "down-low" before I contested the signing of the papers. You've gotta love West Virginia - the law was totally broken and the judge still rules in favor of the adoptive parents. My story would be an interesting ABC After School Special. Once I contested the adoption, the aparents cut my parents off too. Whenever my parents were invited to weddings on that side, he would conveniently not be there - usually home sick with his amom. They did go to one wedding where he was present. My mom was mad because adad came over and talked to my dad, but aparents did not bring their children over and introduce them.

Hey Quantum. I am in reunion with my daughter. I met her when she was 18, she is now 28. Wow...telling your parents. What a power they have in our lives. My dad was a...'don't bring that baby under my roof" kinda person, and my mum...well she aint the most assertive woman in the world, and kinda went along with him. She did suggest I get married, then get divorced so the baby was born in wedlock. OH MY GOD! Even in 1979 I reeled at the suggestion that I needed a man to allow me to even be valid!!!!( Another conversation) I did not love the birthdad, who wanted to get married... therefore adoption was seen to be the only option. Have I forgiven my dad?Want more?

We mentioned in another thread about having a 'My parents suck' topic! I hear you susieloo! Of course my parents and their reactions and what happened back then are all things I've been rehashing over and over again the past few months. I'm wondering now...my mom feels incredible guilt that she did not keep my bson (my choice, so where does that leave me?) but you know, I KNOW my dad would have used it against me my entire life. Heck he can't even handle helping my mom BABYSIT my girls now! Ugh. So much anger here! Need to get rid of it, don't know how!

Isnt it funny how the theory on what to do and what not to do is always easier in the reality. Sometimes I think I have things sorted and then whammy...in surge incredible feelings of anger...just seem to come from nowhere. I know there is guilt attatched to my parents feelings now. I feel it. Esp as my birthdaughter is more like my dad than any other of his 12 grandchildren. I just have to keep reminding myself of the times we were in and they thought that it was best. SCREAM. Have you ever watched the movie the magdelaine sisters. It is a great representation of the mporal attitudes our folks were riding on. You know sometimes my anger streams to men in general..the ole sexual double standard.

One of the most interesting aspects (also the most painful) of reunion is the way I find myself revisiting the events surrounding my pregnancy, D's birth and adoption. My parents did not pressure me into adoption (Dad thought adoption was best, mother was against it), they were always good about letting me make my own decisions. (The problem was I knew how much some of my decisons disappointed them.) I'm not sure if my mom ever quite forgave me for placing her first grandson for adoption. We did talk about it, although rarely. She made little comments over the years, letting me know how she felt. Funny (not) how the pain begins to resurface. Ah, well. I never could please her.

I have to add my 2c worth to this thread. I had my son without my immediate family's knowledge and 33 years later when he contacted me, I told them the story. My mother, (very puritanical and worried about what the neighbors thought) said Thank God I hadn't told her at the time, and the rest of the family were stunned, and really didn't offer any response. Although they have met bson, noone ever brings him up in conversation yet when he is visiting they feel left out if we don't visit. Bson wanted to know his birthmother and immediate family (my husband and his half siblings). He doesn't want to persue a relationship outside this family. My mother feels she should be included but like several of the other posters, I am keeping bson well clear of her. She was always very controlling and even tho I love her dearly, an 86 year old Grandma is not what bson needs. The obligation and responsibility of reunion is hard for our reunited children/adults. There is an expectation from all sides and I want to minimise that. And I have to admit that I don't want to share him with other's outside the primary family. I think in most reunions the family structure is fragile. All parties are gathering up their bruised feelings and trying to heal. The more involved the less time there is to bond and heal. We all do the best we can and sometimes those outside the tight circle are putting spokes in the wheel. Do what you feel comfortable doing - go with your gut reaction - tell who you feel comfortable telling - and don't rush into anything. This is your reunion so you can do it your way and make up the rules for the rest of the family as you go. Ann

Quantum, I always wanted to talk to my mother about my daughter but never felt comfortable. I wanted to tell her that everyday I shed a few tears for the daughter that I dont know. I still get teary eyed when I think about her. I miss my daughter so much that I have made many mistakes in my life. I was trying to fill this void that I have. I partied too much in college (yes, I did graduate), I married the wrong man, and now I'm paying for all these mistakes. Im going to be 50 in two weeks and **** I wish that I would grow up and feel like an adult! I wish that I could get my act together. I thank God though that the two children I have from my marriage are such good people. They do not know about their half sister, and will not know about her until Im in reunion. I dont want to add anymore to their emotional plate at this time. And then what if my daughter refuses to see me, both of my children will be devastated. My family never discussed my daughter until she was born, then my mother came to the hospital to see her and told me that she was absolutely beautiful. About 1 week later we saw her again at CHS for about an hour. And again nothing was said about her for 22 years, until my mother apologized for forcing the adoption. She did tell me that she was sorry that she and my dad did not allow me to keep my daughter, she admitted that if I had kept her than maybe I would have been a happier person. Adoption was forced because she and my father were concerned about what their friends and the neighbors would say. My father was furious with me and told me to my face that no decent man will ever want me now. I still to this day 32 years later remember how hurt I was with that comment, I wonder if that is why I married who I did. I didnt feel worthy enough to find that "decent man". Even though 8 years have passed since I kicked the husband out, I still am afraid to get involved with any man. That little voice is still saying---you are not worthy. I am the most insecure person, but no one would ever believe it. None of my friends know what I have gone thru I have kept this to myself. Im almost afraid to tell some of my friends, I know that they will be furious that I never told them, they would want to help me in some way. These message boards are my therapy. So much damage for way too long for no real reason at all. If my parents were alive today, I would be raising so much holy hell that they would be begging CHS and my bdaughter for a reunion. I would be demanding all the help from my parents that I feel that I deserved. Why this attitude??? After my parents death I found out that my parents did not marry until I was 24 years old. Here they were acting like they are the perfect parents, the perfect example of what we should strive for, and they were the hypocrites right from the start. If my mother was not buried across the country from me I would have had a few words with her at the cemetery.