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Boy, where do I start? I am a 37 yr old happily married, mother of 6, registered nurse. We have a very blended family and they all reside with us.
My husband's youngest is almost 4 and she is a blonde headed, blue eyed doll. I've been raising her with him since she was 18 months old. At the time I met my husband, our daughter's bio mom hadn't seen her for about 6 months. CPS had already been involved once due to the bio mom's 'prescription' drug use that has gotten progressively worse. Their divorce was dragged out until Feb '06 and we were in March '06.
Since that time, bio mom has been in MULTIPLE rehabs, homeless shelters and now resides in the safehouse for 3 felony forgery/fraud counts and 2 DUI's. She is due to be released in Nov. but I found out today that she will start having weekend passes next month and wants to start exercising her visitation. She also wants her parents to supervise again, but they are refusing. Now she is threatening to have CPS supervise her visitations.
This has been ongoing for a few years. She has also been a frequent flyer in the tri-state ER's and ICU for suicide attempts..."Goodbye" letters and all. She has only seen this child approx 50 hours total in the last 2 yrs, doesn't call, send gifts, pay for anything at all, etc. But she won't sign over maternal rights and I want to adopt the child. She began calling me Mommy soon after her dad and I started dating. I know it's just a name, but I am the one who helps pay her bills, read her stories, put her to bed, feed her, shelter her, stay up with her when she is sick, etc. (Sorry...I'm getting worked up)
Bio mom lives in IN where the child and my husband used to live. They have been residing in IL since May '05. We were denied jurisdiction in IL once because there were 'progress' hearings scheduled in IN. Bio mom has visitation according to the papers, but we can't ever get her in court in a timely manner because she is always in trouble. Bio mom's parents are even wanting me to adopt the child and sever the mom's rights...and they will testify. Bio mom's visitations have always been supervised only and done so by her parents. We now have a order book entry stating that all progress hearings, contested hearings, etc. have been dismissed.
My attorney wants out of the case now...it has been his hardest case ever and can't handle the stress. I have an appointment with another attorney this week. My first attorney had contacted another 'excellent' attorney that is licensed in IL & IN, on my behalf, and he doesn't want to take the case. He says it'll never go through. He thinks I'll have to file in IN...and IN says I can't because I don't reside there and he also says he doesn't think I'll ever get bio mom's rights severed. I am very discouraged. This child is prospering in a wonderful way. Her personality always changes for a period in a negative way whenever she has seen her bio mom in the past.
I have incriminating evidence on bio mom to prove unfitness such as court dockets, arrest records and insurance EOBs, etc. There is also the subject of abandonment multiple times for 4 to 6 months at a time in the last 2 to 3 years.
What else is it gonna take to prevent this child from having to go through years of disappointment, hurt, and anger? Does someone else know something I don't?
Does anyone have any insight? I can't stand the effects that all of this is having on this child already. What can I do to protect her?
BradyBunch
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Reanne,
I just want to say I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some wisdom for you.
I am ALL for giving BP's rights to parent when given the chance. But WTH? Why can't a court see that she is not in the "best interest of the child"?
Steams me.
(((HUGS))) and keep us posted.
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I read your post and could not believe what is happening with this case. I cannot for the life of me understand why they allow biological moms or dads chance after chance after chance, when it is so obvious and clear that the commitment is just not there. Putting a child through visitation and then the birth mom not showing time and time again takes a tremendous toll on any child. Clearly this biological mom is unstable if she is on prescription drugs..talks of suicide..and needs supervision. It is so sad that the child is the one to suffer. All you can do is continue to be there for that angel. If anything she knows she has you to turn to. If for once they would look at the best interest of the child, but sadly that is sometimes not taken into consideration. My only advice is this...since the biological mom has not been there doubtful that this will ever change. These judges need to re-evaluate these cases..and check back within a year or so..and a majority if these cases where visitation rights are ordered half the time the visitations are not even followed through with. Its ashame that this biological mom can continue to put you and your family, but mostly that angel through this...that the court allows this to happen time and time again. Stay strong and know that if anything that little angel needs you...
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StacyKelly2
My only advice is this...since the biological mom has not been there doubtful that this will ever change. These judges need to re-evaluate these cases..and check back within a year or so..
StacyKelly2 does such a great job with her responses that many times all I can do is to affirm what she said. In my experience, and with my limited knowledge, I agree that these birthparents who have a history of abandonment - and who have been given enormous and ample opportunity to parent, but fail to do so - are simply not likely to change.
StacyKelly2
Its ashame that this biological mom can continue to put you and your family, but mostly that angel through this...that the court allows this to happen time and time again. Stay strong and know that if anything that little angel needs you...
Unfortunately - again within my own experiences and limited knowledge - the courts tend to go to extreme and outrageous lengths to allow the birthparents to continue in this pattern of behavior. How sad.
In my case we are still in court litigation and my son will be 5 years old this month. The birthmom is STILL being given visitation rights, phone call rights, picture riights - but still EVEN AFTER 5 YEARS WITH HER NOT DOING THESE THINGS - it continues.
I do not want to discourage you in any way. I simply want you to know that while she may be in-and-out, changing her mind, not following through, etc. - that that is likely to remain the same. And while she may be able to cause you extreme financial and emotional and legal pain - and be supported and backed up by the courts - it is unlikely she will suddenly straighten up and act like and want to be a parent.
This is where my case stands as well. We have given her everything she wanted - then she did not want that one and then she asks for something else or something different - and she has proven time and again - for 5 years - that while she seems to enjoy keeping us in legal, financial, and emotional turmoil - she has no interest in parenting, no interest in visitation, no interest in pictures, no interest in phone calls - nothing. She has had all of that and then turned around and filed against us for crazy things.
This is not the picture of a "parent." A PARENT is one who does everything in their power in the best interest of the child.
So while I can see how your attorney is frustrated and wants out of the case due to the stress - my goodness - what kind of stress does he think this places on you?
We (parents collectively) have to find a way to keep working in the best interest of our child. We have to find a way to be the best parent we can be. We have to find the strength and the resources to fight for our children while still having the strength to love and raise our children.
It can get very hard. It is extremely stressful. It may shake the very core of you and shock you into a new reality and lifestyle where over and over your child is not considered by the courts - the court system seeming to side EVERY time (at least in my cases and others here on this board) with the birthparent - regardless of what the birthmom has done.
BUT - I am here. I still have my son. I am still fighting. I am still giving my son a great life - and that is what a *real* parent does.
Hang in there reanne. Feel free to PM me. Feel free to come here and vent and receive support. I do know what this feels like. Many of us do. And I am here for you.
ChristieS
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If anyone knows the meaning of a true fight and strength for your child its is Christie S!!! God knows that we are the strong ones for these angels that is why I believe they are placed with us, to beging with! Never did I dream of having enough strength to fight this. I did not do foster care because I was afraid of the emotional effect I would have after having the child for so long then having to hand the child back. I know my heart and any child that comes through my door and needs me I will be right there, that is just the way I am. I was chosen to be the adoptive mom to my angel, and from that time on, I considered him mine. He grew not under my heart, but in it...and that is all that will ever matter!!! Taking on this, I never dreamed this would be a contested adoption. I never dreamed this would still be going on now for 2 years...And most of all I could never believe that emotionally I could deal with this, but I do because of the love I have for my son. Its not easy, but we have faith God will pull us through. Laws need to change and the best interest of the child needs to be the top priority. The way I have felt from day one if you wanted your child you would have been there from day one...not years later or when its convenient for you. Sorry that is not being a parent. And I question any judge who feels this is okay...and allows this to drag on, knowing that time and time again these birth parents don't stand up to their promises. How they think this does not effect a child is beyone me. But, all we can do is stand strong, and just keep fighting to protect our angels...:flowergift:
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We have spent a fortune in legal bills but hired the best attorney we could find. We found her through a friend of ours who knows most everyone in town. She and her firm have filed and won several appellate cases so we knew she was a fighter. And she has been.
We also had a multi-jurisdictional case but our attorney managed to help us change that.
Another relative is adopting our little one's younger sisters and she decided not to change jurisdiction because it was hard to do in their case. She hired the best attorney we could find there. One with lots of litigation experience.
Also, we have a fantastic child psychologist who has helped us tremendously, and whose recommendations allowed us to protest visitation.
Isn't it awful how children are batted around by the courts? No one ever stops to consider their rights. There are so many days when I feel like I'm about to implode from the fear and pain that our niece (the biological mother) and her husband have brought to us. Hearing everyone share their stories helps me a lot to be grateful for what we have and to not feel so alone.
Amy
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