Advertisements
i am 24 weeks pregnant with my first child. the pregnancy was unplanned and as soon as i started telling friends and family, my emotional support system crumbled. i didnt want to tell the father, who i had been sleeping with/ dating for 3+ years beceause he tends to be emotionally unstable. when i did he went balistic. he began binge drinking, doing drugs, and contemplating suicide. since, he has stated that he will not be supportive unless i put my daughter up for adoption, which i dont want to do, but i have been telling him i will look into it. i have gone back and forth with this decision, but have finnaly decided to be a single mom. i didnt tell him because i feared it might be enough to push him off the deep end. he is graduating from college this week, so i decided it would be best to just not tell him. unfortunately, an unknown friend of mine told him, and he was very upseat. he kept saying i was manipulating him into doing what i wanted ( which is comical because the only support i have gotten from him is communication and sex one day a week, which isnt support at all). My question is, how do you explain what pregnancy is like to a man, and the connection between women and their children? i want him to understand why i have to do this, but its almost like the male brain cant get itself around pregnancy. the other thing is, in the state he is in, he would be more work than my daughter if we were to have a relationship, but i secretly want sooo badly for him to care about us and love us. is there a way to jumpstart a man's growth? he is 24, and should be more mature than tis, but he isnt... so should i still try to help him and just bear the stress or is it time to call it quits?
:confused:
Like
Share
Actually, some men are greatly compassionate towards the pregnant woman. It's unfortunate when they are, as you said, immature and unable to accept that they created life and have to deal with whatever decisions the mother is making.That said: if he isn't going to come around right now, don't force the issue. You have another sixteen to eighteen weeks of pregnancy for him to either get over himself or get out of Dodge. You, having made the decision to parent, now need to focus all of your concentration on this child. You don't need the negativity and stress that he is bringing into the relationship. If he decides to become a willing party to this glorious event, GOOD. If not, that's his loss and you will be fine on your own.Keep on.
Advertisements
Ladymae - I was SO in your position 19 years ago. My son's bdad did EXACTLY the same things. We had dated for 3 years, and he had a history for mental instability and had threatened suicide - threats I took seriously. The difference was we were 17 years old when I was pregnant. I was out of high school; he was a senior. We had no support system - heck, I had no support system because he was of no support, but neither was my family. They had made up their minds for me. First, congratulations on deciding to parent. Kuddos to you. I wish I had been strong enough with my decision to parent to not let my parents erode any confidence I had in my abilities to do so. I took my son home with me from the hospital and had him for 5 weeks before my parents made me call some infertile relatives of theirs to come pick him up. A very illegal process followed which still resulted in them adopting my child against my will. Stay strong in yourself and your decision. They are many resources to help you and your child. Like Jenna said, you have time for "dad" to get over himself, but if not - oh well. He still has a financial responsibility to the child. The past 18 years have been awful in some respects. I have a wonderful life, but I have never gotten over the loss of my son. I have met him once, and we have had some communication, but it is hard for him. He is only 18 and he is focused on himself right now, which he should be. He is graduating and going to college - he should be having a ball this summer and not be dragged down by having to deal with the emotions and deep thoughts of his bio-heritage. I feel like I let people manipulate me into doing things they wanted. My mom was actually dumb enough to think the aparents would just have my son until I was married and stable, and then I could get him back and the charade would be that he was my husband's child. My dad just wanted him raised by 2 parents. The bdad just didn't want the responsibility, and his mom just didn't want the financial drain of another person. Nobody cared about the mother-child bond. Nobody offered support or even the resources to find support. I have made it my vow to never sit back and watch someone follow my situation. My attorney (present not past) has told me my son's adoption is unlawful by today's standards. Heck of a lot of good that does me now. PM me anytime. I will be your pat on the back - or whatever support you need. Sorry this is so long, but man you could have written my story, and I feel for you from the other end of the adoption. It does not end at 18 - your relationship with your child is forever different. don't let the lamo bdad manipulate you into something you don't want to do, and it sounds like you want to parent your child. Best of luck to you!!!!!
There's a forum on this site for single parenting, too.
Ladymae, I relinquished my firstborn son so he could have two parents (in 1971, it was just expected of us to relinquish, not like today). Here's the irony: I married in 1973 (not to bfather), and in 1977 when I was pregnant with our 2nd child, husband wanted out of the relationship. I ended up being a single parent anyway! The irony of that just kills me. The difference was in the judgment of society -- it was okay for me to be a single parent because I had been married (versus never married - sheesh!).
I was a single parent of two children from the time when they were a toddler (DS) and a newborn (DD), to when DD was 16 y/o. During that time, as a single parent, I completed both a bachelor's degree and a master's degree at university, and bought two houses and a new car. Don't fall for the line: "Oh, but two parents can give the child sooo much more." Baloney! And, it's not about material things, anyway. It's about a loving home and a safe environment -- those are the things that children care about.
My children did fine as well. Other than the usual juvenile pranks, they stayed out of trouble and graduated from high school on time. They both are kind and caring adults now...DS has two college degrees, DD has finished her AA degree and is working on her teaching degree at university.
DD is 30 y/o now, and is the single parent of a 2 y/o son. I can't imagine her relinquishing her son just because his bdad is immature! She is doing just fine, and so is her son.
You and your child will be okay, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise! It takes a lot of determination, but that is true whether you are a single parent or a two-parent family. Start putting together your support system...my DD found the county health district public health nurses to be very kind and helpful. These wonderful nurses were able to connect her to many valuable resources.
Best wishes, and PM me anytime as well. :flowergift:
Peace,
Susan
:hippie:
[FONT=Fixedsys]My story is combination of the previous two give or take a few points and b.dad behaved in a manor similer to what you describe. I may be somewhat jaded but this is what I think.[/FONT][FONT=Fixedsys][/FONT] [FONT=Fixedsys]A lot of men have a problem relating to the unborn or even infants until the infant says "Daddy" tor the first time. However[/FONT][FONT=Fixedsys]most men do have a since of loyalty and responsibility. This guy does not. He should wake up- but don't count on it. He knows you are hurting. He just does not care. [/FONT] [FONT=Fixedsys]Enjoy your pregnancy. Keep your baby. There is help available if you need schooling, housing etc. The social climate is much more forgiving these days. Make your plans to go it alone. It will be b.dad's loss. [/FONT][FONT=Fixedsys][/FONT] [FONT=Fixedsys]I predict better men in your future. :flowergift: [/FONT]
In this matter, its your choice, screw him. If he doesnt want anything to do with the child, either take him to court for child support or get him to terminate all parental rights. I remember a show on Dr. Phil in which the guy was trying to take the woman to court and stop all child support stuff cause he was denied his rights of chosing to be a parent or not. I found this to be a bunch of bs. In which, your guy may try the same thing. The bfather of my 1st was very unstable (he was being kicked out after lying to me about being with another woman and then telling me i couldn't be with someone while i was pregnant...he threatend suicide with a loaded .25, in which there was a swat team, a bunch of police, ambulances, and fire trucks!). Do what you feel best...dont' feel pressure from him or anyone else to give the child up. Know that you have options..such as state aid to assist you till you get on your feet!
Tell the guy to take a hike, and your supposed support system to deal and be understanding. Later in life, things will come around!!! Good Luck!!! :banana:
Advertisements
I was involved in a adoption back in 1971.My girlfriend then had a little girl and her Mom made her give the baby up.Where i am going with this is that the girl that had this baby wanted to keep her , no one was there for her.Not me as bfather and surely not her mother.I don't think as a man i .will ever truly understand what a bond a Mother and child have.I searched and found my daughter and our relationshp is great.I told her about how no one was was there for he Bmom.My advice to you is to have your baby and when your child is born you won't be alone anymore,and maybe the father of your child will come around.Good Luck.
SchmennaLeigh
Actually, some men are greatly compassionate towards the pregnant woman. It's unfortunate when they are, as you said, immature and unable to accept that they created life and have to deal with whatever decisions the mother is making.
That said: if he isn't going to come around right now, don't force the issue. You have another sixteen to eighteen weeks of pregnancy for him to either get over himself or get out of Dodge. You, having made the decision to parent, now need to focus all of your concentration on this child. You don't need the negativity and stress that he is bringing into the relationship. If he decides to become a willing party to this glorious event, GOOD. If not, that's his loss and you will be fine on your own.
Keep on.
first of all I would like to thank everyone for the advice and support. I am 30+ weeks pregnant now, and my daughter and I are still healthy. The father left a week ago for an internship with nasa in texas, and it has been difficult without him here. I am keeping up my determination, and secretly hoping he figures things out... but trying not to be too hopeful. I was wondering if anyone knows about relinquishing parental authority, and if maybe that is a good road for me to seek out. I just dont want him turning around and deciding that he wants her and not me... and trying to take her away from me. Also, I was wondering if there are any single moms here that actually got over their child's father and found a better man... some hope would be greatly appreciated. I just feel like if he cant love Jillian and I, no one can love us. I want my daughter to be loved by whoever I choose to spend the rest of my life with, but I feel like men can be very vicious to a womans children. I have heard so many stories about abuse that the mother was completely unaware of, and I dont want the same for my daughter... so is it safer/ better to just stay a single parent forever or am I just frigtening myself? Thanks again everyone. You have all been really helpful.