Is foster/adopt really so different than domestic adoption?

Boulderbabe, THANK YOU. That's what I was trying to say.

Luvmylittlegirls,You know, right after I started doing foster care, the best mom I know (my old daycare provider) told me something about respondent parents that really stuck with me. She said, "You know what the difference is between them and us? They do it." What she meant was that every single parent on earth gets really, really close to that line at some point in time. Every parent has that moment when they'd like to smack the living daylights out of their kid. Every parent has that instant when they turn their head and the kid vanishes from sight. Every parent has that moment when they'd like to disappear with a stiff drink or a good book and just let the kids figure out what to eat by themselves.Some of us have the emotional skills to back away from that line. Others of us never got those skills. But I figure that before I get to feeling too much better than the respondent moms, I'd better recall how it feels to be just inches away from that line myself. (And believe me, I've been there---and it just terrified me!)

'Some of us have the emotional skills to back away from that line. Others of us never got those skills."True and I only wish the homestudy process was a guarantee that adoptive/foster parents do not cross that line either. I am very different than the "put them in cages" infamous adoptive/foster parents and yet we both passed our homestudies with flying colors. If homestudies could be the safety net-then we could administer them to ALL parents.(birth/expectant/adopting/foster) and no more neglect or abuse.

I know you most likely do not mean it this way, but I do not see my son's conception as a "mistake" or an "accident". While he certainly wasn't planned, I take issue with the words mistake and accident. Life is full of unplanned events, it's how we handle those events that counts.

I personally, as a birthmother, do not think it is productive to make distinctions on how a person came to be a birthparent. There, but for the grace of God, go I. If I did not place voluntarily I may have found myself in a position of not being able to fully care for my child. I am from a family of alcoholics (I don't drink because of this) but who is to say that I wouldn't have started hitting the sauce when the pressures of single parenting became too much? The bottom line is that we have both faced a tremendous loss and we both need support in our open adoptions. I find it much more helpful to see people on an individual basis and determine contact with children based on how individuals are acting at present. Yes there are those who place voluntarily who abuse drugs and make poor choices when it comes to partners. Yes, as a parent, people have every right to look at present behavior and make decisions based on this behavior. How they came to be birthparents should have nothing to do with it. This gives everyone the opportunity to be a positive presence in the life of their child. It also gives them impetus to stay away from destructive behaviors. I have seen many birthmoms who place voluntrily develop substance abuse (SA) problems as a way of self-medicating the pain of placement. I do not differenciate between their behavior and non-voluntary birthparents with the same issues. I would not see that as healthy behavior for children to be around. Period.

Bromanchik, your right a CHILD is not an accident or Mistake. But I do believe a pregnancy can develope from an accident or mistake and that's all I was trying to say. That's ok if we disagree, but it's not meant to offend.

As one of the children that was referred to as a mistake and an accident, whether speaking about the pregnancy OR me, I did find it offensive and I still do, even knowing that my own Mom and Dad didn't view me/the pregnancy in that way, it still hurt. It does hurt.

Let's just agree to "surprise," eh? :p Or, the "etc." in the original quote, whoever it was from, and let either refer to child, situation, whatever works for you, that probably covers all the rest of the ground.... And mom--congratulations! I'll bet that was a surprise!

I love the idea of a "surprise"----we refer to my uncle, who is 18 years younger than my dad, as a "bonus"!I once was kidding my grandma and said, "He was a little afterthought!" My grandma burst out laughing and said, "Oh no, there was no thought involved!" :-)

Oh, if only that were true! But IMHO, homestudies are utter crap. We have a new "super-scientific" homestudy process in our county, and it's supposed to reveal whether or not you're high risk to be an abusive parent. But c'mon, any moron knows what the right answers are to give the social worker. And IMHO, anybody who actually admits to having trauma in their past is well on the way to dealing with it. It's the people who are still keeping secrets (from other people and from themselves) that are most likely to re-enact what happened to them. I wish homestudies were better predictors. And maybe they screen out some of the worst of the worst. But are they failsafe? Nuh-uh.

Mom- just noticed your sig. I've got the result of one of those "surprise" pregnancies eating lunch right now. :) How lucky and blessed to be able to walk both paths (adoption and pregnancy). Best wishes to you for a healthy, safe and uneventful 9 mos!!!! uh... back on topic... I was a "surprise." I was just meant to be :) My DD was also unplanned, but, I see her as proof that God brings beauty and miracles from even the most difficult circumstances.

Thank you Luvmylittlegirls!!! Yeah I just found out this morning with a home pregnancy test. I go in tomorrow to verify by bloodwork. We were doing the follistim injectables fro about a month straight. Trying to mature my eggs without creating too many. Well, we finally were about to ovulate but still overstimulated. I was scheduled for a follicle reduction to reduce my eggs from (at least 7...maybe more) to just 3 eggs. But the day before we got my husbands semen analysis back that showed he only had 20% motility. We talked to the doctor and he said we still had a chance to get pregnant but it was only like 2-3 % so he didn't think it was necessary to do the follicle reduction after all since our chances were sooooo slim, almost non-existant. BUT....here I am 13 days later and I got a positive pregnancy test!!!!! This is certinaly a miracle baby....or miracle babies....I can't wait to find out what we actualy got growing in there (boy/girl) and how many. This was a big suprise and 8 1/2 years worth of prayers answered. It still hasn't sunk in completely. It's a very exciting time and scary too. Since I have no idea if we are talking about 1 baby, 2,3,4,5,6,7???? who knows. So yes this is certianly a suprise. And YES suprise is a MUCH better word!!!

That is SO COOL that you are preggers. I say~~ how about one for each year of trying- lol !!!!!!!!!

HAHA...NOT FUNNY!!! I'm pretty sure we have more than one in there. But we'll know more as we see my numbers rise. My first ultrasound is 2 weeks from friday.

Mom2, Congrats! :cheer:Will be interested in reading your updates! Just read in the paper about two separate families (one in Mn and one in Az) who had sextuplets.... :woohoo:And I was a surprise. My parents had done all the paperwork to adopt and were just getting ready to go forward in the matching process (however that worked waaaaay back then!) when Mom found out she was expecting. :eyebrows:Dh and I had a Surprise Baby, too. Then God continued to surprise us with adoptions, too! LOL Our first adoption cw was sooooo nervous. Every time I called him he'd say in a panic-stricken voice, 'You aren't pregnant, are you? You aren't going to withdraw from adopting?!' :rolleyes: I had to keep reassuring him that we were not pregnant, and we did want to continue to try to adopt. Poor guy was so scared. LOL