Advertisements
Hey All...
Well this is the one place I have come for years of hugs. Though I have seen changes here that I am not fond of I always come back...my safe place to be a bithmother.
It happened on Monday (now friday) I got in a small fight with my beau and the week just went to bad. I took my 20 mg of happiness and still the saddness was overwhelming me. I put my son's pic as the back round on my desk top at work and I just stared at him all week. My baby boy will be 13 in August. I'll be 3-0 in 9months. Where did time go and why now friday have I completely lost it. My eyes glisten my cheaks are stained and I wonder if I can got thru the Starbucks drive thru looking like this...a Soy Chai to warm my heart...note I am still in my jammies. How do I get thru work today the day before bithmothers day when my heart is torn to shreds. My kitten and I would have had our 3rd anniversary this Sunday but she dissapeared last August. My only baby since becomming a birthmother. Still there is my CCL who needs to know I love him. He looks like me dumb ugly nose and big fat cheeks that make a skinny person look fat...on him they work...on him they are beautiful. I thought about it about what I wanted for bithmothers day and I decided the one thing I wanted was a happy mothers day card from his birth father...we stay aquaintences. Instead I really need a pedicure and I so I think thats the plan.
My heart is torn apart this mother's day! All I want to do is cry and breathing is about all I can manage...How do you live knowing you know the question was answered..."Am I a Villian or a Heroe?"...I am a Villian I unknowing gave my child to drug addicts who cheat and fight and drive thier other adopted child to live in foster care by choice because she hates them so much. What kind of life did I give my baby...
Totally Torn...
Loveccl
Like
Share
Advertisements
loveccl - I hope you can feel the hugs coming your way! Holidays can be some of our hardest times, I think. They are times when our expectations and our regrets are highest! As Browneyes says, "Don't be so hard on yourself!" It's always easy to second guess ourselves and to look back and say we should have done it differently. You tried to make the best decision you could for your child 13 years ago. I believe that God forgives us; I've also found it's much harder to forgive myself. This is a difficult weekend... there's no doubt about it! It's not helped by all the hype out there about Mother's Day. BTW, Don't be surprised - or disappointed -if you don't get a Mother's Day card from the father of your bson! Unless you've told him how much it would mean to get one, he probably has no clue! My mother used to believe that if you cared about her you'd know what she wanted without her having to tell you; if she had to tell you what she wanted, it didn't count! Needless to say, she was disappointed al lot because none of us could read her mind! 35 years after D's birth and 1 1/2 years into reunion, Mother's Day is still a difficult day/time of the year for me. At least I know by now that the pain does retreat again for awhile after this time of the year. Again... My thoughts and prayers are centered on you tonight.
Advertisements
Thank you everyone for all your wonderful notes. Wow...since that weekend so much has happened. My sons father sent me the best email ever telling me how I am a wonderful mother because I think of our son every day. He called me 10 times on Mothers Day. Then I search the world of Myspace found a more current pic of my son takken just this past easter. Wow my little boy is a little Man...!
Thank you so much for you hugs!
All my love,
Darcy AKA Loveccl
Have you considered hiring a lawyer? If you son has unfit parents he can be taken from the home and adopted again. There's nothing illegal about a second adoption, though it may not be the norm.
I am not a birth mother, but we took our niece from a distant relative and are adopting her. It was hard, but somebody had to do it. We found out through the process of doing this that anyone could have done what we did for her, the family members with a closer relationship just got notified in case they wanted to contest and take the child themselves.
The only caveat was that we hired the best lawyer we could find. A family law attorney who had experience with difficult cases and also with appealing cases. First we went for the consultation and then we got into our retirement accounts and started the process.
Amy