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This is a discussion for BIRTHPARENTS in DOMESTIC INFANT OPEN ADOPTION - while I do value the feedback of adoptive parents in DOMESTIC INFANT OPEN ADOPTION - I am looking to opening a in depth dialog with birthparents without them feeling like they have to defend what they feel to other adoptive parents. It's a simple request, but its only a request - as these forums aren't segregated.
Scenario: You placed your child in open adoption at birth. You made a verbal agreement to have visits etc - but there was no 'defined' timeline of how that would happen. Things progressed and matured with the relationship over time and your all happy/healthy with where things are/have gone.
You get a call from your childs mother asking you if you want to come visit. Ordinarily you'd say yes - but for some reason (whatever that might be) you've decided that you just can't do it right now.
Do you honestly feel you can tell them that a visit is not a good idea right now, without repercussions?
If your answer to the above question is No, please explain why you feel that way and what you fear will happen.
If you have been faced with this scenario, can you please post what happened (you said yes when you didn't want to - or you said no when you couldn't go).
Again, I am asking for this thread to be a place where BIRTHPARENTS IN DOMESTIC INFANT OPEN ADOPTION can post about their PERSONAL EXPERIENCE - this isn't a discussion about how adoption as a whole should be handled - this is simply a discussion about how a BIRTHPARENTS IN DOMESTIC INFANT OPEN ADOPTION deals with the emotions of seeing their child when they aren't emotionally in a place to or putting off visits and the ramifications of making that decision.
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I've said no and I feel I can honestly say no when I need to with out fearing that I am putting our relationship in jeopardy. S is VERY respectful of my emotional needs, as am I of hers. We both realize how hard things can be from time to time (and most of the time, that is NOT adoption related) so we take special care of recognizing our emotional needs and sharing them with each other.
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There has been exactly one time when we had plans for a visit and I realized it wouldn't work for me, emotionally. I graduated from high school about three weeks after P was born and I had invited the family to my graduation party. A few days later, I realized that I hadn't told a lot of my extended family (who were also going to be at the party) that I had even been pregnant, much less made an adoption plan. I decided it was too much stress to have the a-family come to the party so I basically uninvided them. We rescheduled for a few weeks later, when we could have a visit with just them, me, my parents and my sister. There weren't any negative repercussions. Everything worked out just fine.
I haven't ever needed an emotional break from visits, so I don't know how they would react if I ever had. I know that some of the other birthparents involved in my birthdaughter's life aren't as consistantly involved and that has provided some challenges. Her birthfather hasn't been around since she was six months old...her sister's birthmom comes in and out of their lives...her sister's birthdad is more consistant and they have a pretty strong relationship, I think...
My situation was slightly different in this way: I said yes MANY months in advance (five/six). Things changed drastically for me in that time. I had to tell them that I couldn't come with about two weeks left before the visit. I was told that it was wrong, mainly because the Munchkin knew about the visit and was excited to see Nicholas. I understand that part of the deal. I accept my responsibility in placing them in the middle of that mess.
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