my story, briefly

[FONT="Palatino Linotype"]:flower: :flower: [/FONT] To introduce myself, here's the condensed version of My Story.....At age 15 (unwed), I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (that was in 1973 ), I am now 49 (still not married.....but recently moved in with my boyfriend ....who just so happens to be my first-love and the baby's b-father )!! :love: THAT'S ANOTHER STORY IN ITSELF, which I would be happy to share if allowed here and anyone is interested. Although we were quite young, me 15 him 17, we had been together almost 3 years before I got pregnant and from the very beginning our relationship was uniquely different than most kids our age; we were best friends and didn't go through the game playing or usual ups and downs that are privey with teenage love. We were inseparable, and oddly enough, my dad..who was quite strict approved and accepted him as did the rest of my family. When my mom sat me down one afternoon and told me she thought I might be pregnant :o ( how weird is that!! lol )I was already over 4 months, she calmly informed me that my dad would be coming over in a few hours so we could all talk about it ( note* My parents had only recently separated and were getting a divorce ), and that was really the only time I remember thinking OMG...." I'm in big trouble "!. We had our talk, surprisingly calm and no dramatics from anyone, I had expected they (especially dad) would be telling me exactly "what we're going to do about this situation", but neither mom nor dad ever uttered such demands. I'm sure my memory has erased or blocked out much of the events/conversations of the next 5 months, but I'm sure that there were more assumptions, unspoken expectationsas to how this would play out. Ok, I better stick to the subject at hand, lol, I tend to get caught in and drift lol;) ......My boyfriend joined the service and when I gave birth to our daughter my mother was the only one there with me, I never knew why he didnt come until we were reunited Feb. 2006.; for 32 years I had no clue that he was there, but my mom had him sent away and wouldnt let him in to see me..she took that secret to her grave in 2002. I was able to hold my daughter for 30 minutes the day she was born, due to a mistake a nurse made, and then...she was gone....I was left with a broken family, rejected..( or so I thought ) by my boyfriend, and a hole in my heart. After a few days I returned to school, and tried to pick up the pieces....no one spoke about it with me....life just went on... Many years ago I started leave messages/posts on every adoption search site I could find, never having the courage to persue the yearning to find her, but hoping and praying that one day she would do the same and would be able to find me! Jan. 2006 my prayers were answered when I received an e-mail from my b-daughter. There was no question it was her, the emotions ran through me like a whirlwind, laughing, crying, excitement, fear, joy, and sadness, uncontrolable panick!! We exchanged many e-mails, photos, etc over the next couple of months, and I had made a promise not to push, I would let her decide how much or how quickly she would proceed. We exchanged phone numbers and talked a few times on the telephone, I tried to be subtle in expressing my desire to meet with her in person, ( she lived just 10-15 minutes from me ), so this was hard...my family was eager to meet her also, especially my father who is now 82. Whether she was making excuses or not I don't truly know for sure, but that meeting never took place. NOTE* one of the 1st things she said to me was that " she held no bad feelings for me regarding my decision not to keep her and raise her myself, she, being a new mother herself explained that she could not imagine having a child at 15....she didn't ask many questions and I'm afraid I didn't offer much information unless she asked...that's the hardest part for me, and the part I'm hoping some of you out there may be able to help me with....I did express MY FEELINGS to her, how I loved her as she grew inside me and how I grieved for her when she was gone, how she was always in my thoughts and my prayers, and would forever be in my heart and soul, she knows how her father and I felt about each other and that he too knows an emptiness in his heart. To bring you all up-to-date with the situation, My daughter won't talk to me now, won't respond to my e-mails ( I haven't tried to call her ) should I? I'm hearetbroken, but I understand that she has issues unresolved that can't help but effect her and her emotions....I have my own, though not the same as hers I have learned to understand how much we are affected by such deep wounds and unanswered questions. Last July was her 33rd birthday, we had exchanged e-mails a few days before and I expressed how it warmed my heart to know she was ok, that she was alive and well, and that I knew her name and her face(through photos), ..she had told me that she was looking forward to being able to get away with her husband for her birthday, saying this was something they had not been able to do for a very long time...just the 2 of them; I wished her a wonderful birthday and told her I would look forwards to talking with her when she returned. Over the next several months my life was a bit rocky, we didn't talk as much but when I e-mailed her she responded, but they were always brief...and then they seemed to stop, I have a huge issue myself with rejection, and have struggled with my own feelings of unworthiness my whole life ( I'm doing much better now, but on occassion I step back into old behavior patterns )...I'm sure many of you can relate to that!...I stopped sending e-mails almost completely, on accassion I would send another heart-felt e-mail trying to reach out to her...but nothing came from her. A couple of months ago I sat down and wrote my heart out telling her that I was afraid that we were both now assuming, why the other did or did not do or say something, I expressed my desire to meet her in person once more and that I only asked that she consider it, to try not to dwell on what would follow or what expectations there would be afterwards, but to just allow ourselves both to give each other the opportunity to see one another without expectations or promises of what the future would hold...the response I got from her was devastating to me and very unexpected...she started out by saying that she wasn't sure she should be responding to me at ALL, she said that although she had no way of knowing at the time, she was very upset with the fact that I did not CALL HER ON HER BIRTHDAY last July, she said that she couldn't understand how since it was the first time since her birth, in 32 years that I knew where she was and could have contacted her, yet I didn't!! She told me that she was very protective of the relationships she would allow with her son, ( he is 3 years old ), and who she would let into his life, and that I was definitely not the kind of person she would let be a part of her sons life, and wasn't sure she wanted me to be a part of hers either!! :confused: I was so confused, knowing I would never ignore her birthday, but unable to recall the specifics of so many months ago. I went back and looked at the e-mails from last July ( I saved them all ) and saw the e-mail I had written to her just 2 days before her birthday and then I remembered that I had made the decision NOT to call her( I knew she wasn't home, I only had her home # ), my intentions were heart-felt, She had expressed how much she was looking forward to spending this quality time with her husband and I thought I was being thoughtful, and considerate when I told her in my e-mail that I would be looking forward to talking to her when she returned. I wanted her to understand this, but wasn't sure how to go about it so i sent a copy to her of the e-mail from me 2 days before her birthday with a brief explanation and apology for the misunderstanding and that I only had her best interest in mind and hoped that she might understand, once again I explained my fears in that we seem to be assuming far too much about one another's actions, that it was understandable, but that I truly believe if she would please consider meeting me, she would be better able to form an opinion as to the kind of person I am...I have written at least once a week, and still no response....PLEASE HELP!! I think I've decided to write to her and explain MY STORY, how it was I came to be pregnant, and what was to follow and what led to her being adopted, I guess I'm asking you all if this is something you think I should do, any suggestions, insight would be most appreciated...I'm not going to give up, but I am not at all sure how to do that without pushing her further away!! ~~~~I BELIEVE~~~~ Denise:love: