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Brandy's thread [url]http://forums.adoption.com/general-adoptive-parent-support/297434-hypothetical-question-you-find-note.html#post1833532[/url] got me thinking.
You, a birthparent in an open adoption, get a phone call from your child's adoptive parents saying they found a note written by your child saying:
Dear Mommy,
I love you and I miss you a lot. Can I come live with you? I dont feel like I fit in here and I am not happy here. Can I come live with you for one or two years, to see how things go? Please donҒt tell my parents about this letter.
I love you,
Signed
How do you respond or react as a birthparent in an open adoption?
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I've been thinking about this thread all day. I am really having a hard time wrapping my head around it.
My birthdaughter is twelve and she has asked me a couple times if she could come live with me. Each time I really had the sense that she was asking just to make sure I would say no. Of course, I just said no. The first time, I didn't explain, just a simple no. The second time, she asked "why not?" so I told her that she lives with her mom and dad and basically that they wouldn't let her move. Then she said, "Well, maybe you could adopt me." I explained that it really didn't work that way and the subject was dropped. It wasn't a particularilly emotional conversation...
This hypothetical question sounds a lot more serious and emotional than my experience. While I would love the chance to have her come visit me for a couple weeks or maybe even a month during the summer, the idea of her living with me isn't even a consideration in my mind. I really do want the best for her, but I don't think that would be what is best for her.
I probably would talk to her privately about the letter...either on the phone or in person and explain to her all of the reasons I couldn't keep it a secret from her parents. I absolutely would tell her that I was telling her parents about the letter before I told them. Out of respect for her, I would give her the heads up. Out of respect for them, I would have to tell them. Of course, I know that in our situation, her parents are great. They aren't the type to overreact, freak out and cause a lot of drama. I know that she is in a really good, strong, solid, loving, healthy home. Knowing that she is in such a great place, I am comfortable trying to work into the root of where her letter is coming from.
Oops. I answered the wrong question. I answered the question "What would you do if you got this letter." My reaction would be pretty similar though...I would talk to both the a-parents and b-daughter with respect, openness and honesty. If the a-parents were asking me if she could live with me, I would absolutely consider a visit, but I don't know if I could consider an actual move. I think there are a lot of steps that would need to be taken first. I would want to find out where she was coming from...what the root of the issue is. (I would also reassure the a-parents that it certainly was not my idea.)
I got this call last night - I'll post later - I'm in the middle of a project. I posted the other thread, this morning, because I was trying to tell my daughters mom how I expected her to respond to that type of letter...(because of my experiences here) - she couldn't wrap her head around it - so posted that then sent her the link...she responded VERY differently than what was expressed on that thread. Like I said - I'll post a little later :D
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S (my daughters mom) found the note last night – she called me minutes later. We talked for a few minutes (I was tired and already in bed) but we both (actually all three, her dad too.) came to the same conclusion – she’s reaching – she’s fanaticizing – she’s curious – she’s missing me (it’s been a bit since I last f2f). We all agreed – we need to do something. (FWIW, C and S never once felt threatened by the note – nor did they worry about how I would respond)So, what we did was research airfare – make plans for a visit (they are coming here for a week) and then set things in motion. I think what was amazing was that C & S both realized that this is ‘normal’ – er, more not ‘abnormal’ …they didn’t freak out and make it about them. They didn’t feel threatened or worried about their ‘role’ in her life. I am so blessed to have matched and placed with them. They tell me often how lucky they are to have such a wonderful birthmother as part of their family – and by George, I am lucky too!So – how we responded was – we need to take action – so we’re dropping everything and doing just that. In the end – its all about her – its not about birthparents, adoptive parents, parental roles, custody or anything else – it’s about addressing a little girls need to find out and know more about where she comes from. And no – she can’t come live with me – and if she asks me about that, we’ll address that as a united front as well…because we’re a team!Gotta go – I have plane reservations to firm up!
BrandyHagz
We all agreed we need to do something.
(FWIW, C and S never once felt threatened by the note ֖ nor did they worry about how I would respond)
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I agree...I would really hope that if this comes up one day with A and her mom that I would be informed of the situation and included in the process. I realize that I am not her everyday parent, but since this is a "problem" that concerns me, I think it is important to share it with the bparent. And yay for a F2F for you next month!!
