Wht does your future hold?

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? Like any other relative in my family, close and loving. How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager?No differnet than the relationship we have now. Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?SameWould you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs? Truth be told, I am to selfish in this department....I do not let my son stay on overnight visits with anyone. He is my only baby (8yrs) and I would miss him too much. My neices and nephews have to come to my house for sleepovers. This is how I feel right now, I'm not sure if I will feel differently in the future, but for right now....NO.....to any sleepovers! How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Personally, I Love my sons bmom, she is wonderful!So, what ever feels right to him, will be alright with me!:love: Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Depending on the situation.....We are christians she is not, our beliefs are different on certain areas. Now, if he wanted advice on a haircut or what outfit wear ...no problem. Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents?Yes, but not in all areas of our life. Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?Yes and No Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?:love: No:love: Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?Not sure, we're pretty close now.....besides who really knows what the future may hold! :hippie:

I really appreciate hearing all of your opinions. As for me. We always believed we would be moving cross country or possibly over seas(were military) as our kids were growing up. Infact we had planned to move out of state right after we finalized our daughters adoption. (Birthfamily knows of our hopes to move, and we never had a set openness agreement). I was fine with the idea of having visits and really getting to know each other before we moved, so we could build a good foundation for our relationhsip to grow on....through mainly letters/updates/pictures. But now that we will likely be here for several more years or even much of our childrens growing years, I'm having to face some real difficult questions of how much contact I really want long term for my child. How close of a relationship will be healthy and beneficial. It's good to hear that many of you share my same concerns. That many of you believe contact will probably decrease some as the kids grow older.

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? I feel the contact we have is appropriate for my child, now and later. How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Stills feels appropriate. Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount? In the teen years, I imagine babe might be busy as active teens can be, that could make our current visits of 4 or more per year harder to accomplish- but I don't see us not trying. I think one or both bio parents might move farther away, that would mean we'd travel less often but likely see each other for a few days at one time instead of one day at a time. Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs? Unsupervised visits- yes in the future but not when babe is so young, but it would depend on where, how long, who's driving, who's car, and which persons (keeping in mind we know at least 12 bio family members)- these are the same things I'd consider no matter who it is. Overnight visits- maybe, maybe not. How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? It's not up to me to decide if babe feels close to whomever. It's possible for babe to feel close to persons we spend very little time with, so restricting visits is no guarantee. The selfish side of me wants babe to be closest to me/us... but really I want babe to feel connected to all those people who are loving positive persons in babe's life. The more babe feels connected to all of us, the more I hope babe feels part of a large family and abundantly loved. I hope that babe's sense of family extends well beyond bio and adoptive roots. Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? They are and will be role models to babe, as will many other adults in babe's life. This question feels like an assumption that because they are bio parents they won't be good role models.

I'm fine with babe asking certain advice of them, they have a lot more living to do, so what they can advise babe on right now is not as broad as it will be when they gain more life experience. This quesiton assumes that bio parents do not change or grow. Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Yes, in some ways we differ and in other ways no. We are more liberal. Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc? I don't think they are the same, but they are not vastly different. One bio parent does smoke and is aware that is a no go with us, so never smokes in our presence. Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child? No, I'm not concerned about babe's bio parents or most of babe's bio relatives. There are a few bio relatives who use racist language, that's not ok with us, but we see those persons much less frequently and I'll tell babe the same thing I would about anyone else who said such things- we can love the person and not be ok with the behavior. Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time? I see it staying the same or increasing. We are blessed to know many family members and enjoy most of them. There are siblings to consider and as babe gets older they could become very important to babe, especially given that babe's our only child.

Do you want them going to them for advice or to look up at them as a role model? This question wasn't meant in a negative way? I'm sorry, maybe I should have worded it differently. I have enjoyed hearing all of your perspectives.

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? Hopefully a little less than we have now because it's just too much to coordinate once a month when we both work. How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount? Less, probably. H is the important part of this equation, so his activities and preferences will dictate things. In our case, bmom is developmentally disabled, so emotionally he will probably surpass her at some point about that time. I want him to have compassion and understanding for her, but this relationship has a one sidedness (is that a word?) to it that complicates matters. Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs? Absolutely not. How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Compassion and understanding for bmom and her situation? Yes. See her as a role model? No, except for her perserverance in actually finishing high school and trying to work in some productive capacity. Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc? Fundamentally, no, our bmom's family is pretty great. Her disability impairs her impulse control and judgement, but I think if she could express her values, they're not too far off ours. It's just that she'll perpetually be about 12-14 in her affect. Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child? No, not really in bmom's case. Bdad is a different story. If he doesn't clean up his act a little, that relationship may have to taper off. Right now, I think the best you could say is that his life will serve as a good example when we teach H about choices and consequences. Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time? Honestly I hope it will taper off a little. I would not like to lose touch w/ them, but bmom's family crowds us a little occasionally---though I will admit that right now I'm just feeling overcommitted in general.

Well, since my daughter is so young and we have not had any visits yet (one is coming up this weekend) I can't really say how things would change. I admire and respect Sweet Tart's birthfamily and they are cool people. Sure, when she's older if she wants, she can spend the night. I think that their influence would be needed and appreciated. I think if anything, the visits may increase with age, depending on how the dynamics of the relationships turn out. What is interesting now is the agency is asking me to not send SO many pictures and allow the birthmother to "move on". I am not sure how I feel about this because I don't see anything wrong with it, and the birthmother has not objected. As a matter of fact, she said she prints out the pictures as soon as she gets her hands on them.

This makes me so angry! Please continue to do what makes you and birthmom comfortable. She will not "move on" just because you send fewer letters. UGHHH, when will these agencies "get it"???

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount? I imagine we might have a little less contact since we have so much now. But if it stays the same I would be very happy with that. Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs? Yes, but only when our bmom gets older. She is still a teenager and I woudn't leave my son with any teenager overnight at this point. How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc? I love our son's bmom and she is a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders so I don't see this as a problem. But right now she is still living with her parents, who are wonderful people. When she goes away to college next year, it will be interesting to see how being on her own influences her. She is still maturing and I hope she goes in the right direction--we think that she will. Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child? Not really, she has basically very good values and comes from a stable loving family. The bfather comes from a very dysfunctionaol family but he is adamant that he doesn't want Little Guy growing up in the kind of environment that he did. Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time? It's really hard to say. I see us being in lifelong contact, but it will be up to them to decide what is best emotionally. Even if contact changes over time, both of Little Guy's birthparetns will have an honored place in our homes and our hearts. I am going to visit bmom this afternoon and bring her a belated Mother's Day present. We see them about once or twice a month, as we live in the same city. We know every situation is different, but we have found that having frequent shorter visits takes the pressure off of everybody. If Little Guy is in a bad mood Bmom doesn't feel so bad cause she knows she'll see him again soon. And I don't feel nervous or stressed before visits because they are just a part of normal life.

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount? Right now we only send pictures through a mutual acquaintance.

Whether that changes depends on whether or not dd's b-mom continues on the same path she's on (HIGHLY dysfunctional, manipulative, drug abuse...). If things remain the same, then, then there definitely won't be increased contact. If things get worse, we'll probably stop contact altogether.

And, if at any time DD asks us to stop contact, we will. If she wants more contact.... because of b-mom's issues, that's tough to imagine allowing. Not ruling it out, but... yikes.

If b-mom starts making better choices, completes rehab, stays clean for a long time (years) and just becomes a healthier person overall, I could see us opening things up slowly. Trust takes time to rebuild.

However, the rest of my answers are assuming that things DON'T change with b-mom.

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs? NO. How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? No relationship until she's an adult and decide for herself. Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? No, absolutely not. Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc? We have very different morals. Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child? YES Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time? The same or less.

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount? We have an open adoption agreement that has a yearly visit scheduled around DD's birthday. I think I will probably stick to this arrangement until DD is old enough to understand. I am open to more visits if that is what DD wants. In the future, I picture that DD may want more contact.Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs? Not now, but maybe when DD was a teen.How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc? I want DD to know and love her birth parents. I don't know the "extent" of what that means. We do have somewhat different beliefs/values, but not markedly so. I am not sure I would want DD following in her birth parents' foot steps (if only because I feel like they are really bright kids who have been limited by poverty, etc.)..Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child? No. Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time? It's hard to say since they have not told their families (or older DD) about the adoption. If they are unwilling to do so in the future, I don't want my DD feeling like a big "secret." I hope that they do, and if so, I expect that there will be more contact, more openness.

The agency clearly feels that decreasing contact will "help" the birthmom think less about her child. As if the pictures are the only thing that reminds her she gave birth and placed a child for adoption. Nothing could be further from the truth. Moving on does not mean moving out of our children's lives, it means finding comfort in having a different role in their lives. Sending less pictures at this point would only causde anxiety and make her wonder if you are cutting her off. Do you go through the agency? If so, you might want to think about direct contact.

I completely agree. I can't believe anyone would suggest that it would help a birthmother to move on if she didn't receive so many pictures. I live for those pictures, the phone calls where I hear my daughter in the background, and the visits. I relish them.

Where do I see contact in the future???It will depend on what my son wants, but I'm not hopeful considering the type of woman birthmother is and the issues she has. I'd like to be able to resume sending pics, but even that is up in the air. However, if she gets the help she needs, it would be nice for my son to get to know her as a friend when he gets older. Would I want her to be my son's role model or go to her for advice??? NEVER!!! Would you ever allow unsupervised visits or sleepovers???NEVER!!! Sigh... Peace, K

I am an adoptive parent. My daughter requested to find her birthparents when she was 17. We had a closed adoption. We did locate the family with God's help. I made one phone call and located the birthmom's uncle. He contacted her and she contacted our daughter via email. Our daughter stayed a week with her in Alaska. I went on a cruise and the Alaskan Railroad. The visit went great and the birthmom and birthgrandparents attended her graduation. The birthgrandparents spent alot of time with our daughter. We would meet and go bowling or out to eat. The grandparents lived about 150 miles from our home. Now, our daughter is in college and I have noticed the birthfamily is having less and less contact with our daughter. The birthmother visited this week from Alaska and ignored my daughter's phone calls. I have put the problem in God's hands. I cannot understand how anyone could ignore their grandchild or child. I will be here when and if my daughter wants to talk about it.

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount? I anticipate less contact as our daughter gets older.

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs? At this time, no way.

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc? Our morals are very different than our daughter's birthmothers. Therefore, I would not want her going to her birthmother for advice.

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child? Yes.

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time? Tapering off over time... but who is to say. Our daughter is only 3, we have many years to go.