Birth Grandma with many questions

[FONT="Verdana"](((((Grandma)))))

Your daughters are expectant mothers and are not birthmothers. You are not a "BirthGrandma" yet. You are a Grandmother. I hope you get to retain that unrestricted title.

I relinquished my son almost 30 years ago. My Mother pushed adoption. My Father never even acknowledged my pregnancy. I found out 20 years after I lost my son that my Father did not want me my son relinquished for adoption. I WISH HE HAD TOLD ME. I was so ashamed, and I was pressured by my Mother and the Adoption Agency to relinquish. I had no idea that I had a supporter on my side. Adoption was the absolute WRONG choice for me and my son. He has been SO hurt by adoption and separation from me. It is not the miracle solution for every crisis pregnancy. Is it good in some situations? Yes. But it should be the last option, and should happen only if there is NO family support to raise the child. Here, you have two Grandparents who are wanting to keep the children in the family. So PLEASE speak up. Please do not make the mistake my Father did and stay silent. If you wait until after relinquishment, it will be too late. Your daughter(s) may still decide to relinquish, but they may also keep their children if they realize that they have your emotional support. I was trying to please my parents and "fix" my terrible sin (what a ridiculous and childish notion that was). I wish an adult had sat me down and told me what it would be like for me and my son to live a lifetime of loss. I wish they had told me that I was my son's mother, and that he needed ME, not someone else. I encourage you to speak your heart to your daughters. I hope you get to be a Grandma, not a "BirthGrandma"!!!

Good luck![/FONT]

Hey Country.Tomboy! You are NOT a Birth Grandma until one of your daughters signs relinquishment papers. Until then you are just a Grandma with all of the hopes and dreams and worries that come with that title. Yes, I have been there. I am the grandmother of a 2 year old boy whose mother (my daughter) considerd adoption. It seemed like the ideal solution at the time. We finally "got a grip" and realized that if adoption was so "great" why were we crying 24/7. So we had a "heart to heart" with our daughter and asked her if adoption was what she really wanted. She said, "No, I thought that was what you wanted!" So, we listened to her feelings about parenting, not ours, not our church's, not the hopeful adoptive parents - just HERS. So here we are, with our sweet boy and his mama. It is NOT easy but it was the only right decision for us. That said - yes, your grandchildren will pull at your heartstrings, but it is your daughters who need to parent them, not you. If you think that your daughters will be good parents, tell them (no one else will!). If you are willing to help them parent, tell them exactly what you will and will not do. At the very least, have a heart-to-heart with your daughters and tell them how you feel. They may be making a choice that they think YOU want. If they are not sure, give it some time. Do not let anyone rush them into a decision. There is no rush. If they are uncertain, let them "meet" their babies first and then give them space to decide. You and your husband need to discuss your options. Are you willing to do kinship care while your daughters mature? Are you willing to adopt your grandchildren? If adoption is the answer for your family and you want contact with your grandchildren, get an open adoption agreement in place before finalizing on a family. If the family will not agree to your wishes, find another family. Above all, treat your daughters as individuals. "One size fits all" does not work in adoption. Happy G'Ma

I also hope you will be very frank with your daughters and express your desire for the babies to say. I think happygma gave you some great advice. But I think there is something else that you need to mention. It sounds to me like your daughters have planned this together. What happens if ONE of them decides they want to parent....will they be afraid to hurt the sisters feelings? Will one pressure the other? I think it may be a good idea to talk to them seperately about this very issue. That this decision MUST be made on their own, on its own merits. Make sure they know this is not something that they HAVE to do because they committed to it with their sister. I hope what I am saying makes sense....i can just see how one might place to make the other happy - even tho they may have second thoughts.

Are they getting counseling? And if so, by whom. They need full, unbiased options counseling to really explore their option of parenting first. I put it this way to expectant mothers, "you want to be able to tell your child that adoption was the last option. That you did everything in your power to keep them with you, but the situation would not allow it." Yes, I believe that there are some expectant moms that are not ready to be parents, on the other hand I think there are a lot of expectant moms considering adoption who do not even give themselves the opportunity to explore what parenting might mean to them and their baby. Where are the father's and their families? What are their thoughts? Have a talk with each of them seperately. Get them into counseling, and not with an adoption agency, but with an unbiased therapist. Please pm me if you need help finding one.

Leigh and Brenda make some great points! Do not use an adoption agency for counseling. We almost made that mistake. Agency counseling is very biased toward adoption. Leigh is absolutely correct. Be sure that your daughters are looking at the long-terms effects of their plans on their well-being individually. Above all, do not let anyone convince your daughters that either choice is easy. Happy G'Ma

I wish that my dad had said he did not think adoption was the answer for my son. My mom apologizes like crazy now - 18 years too late. Adoption changes the entire relationship that could have been with that perfect little person. Many good points have been raised. I had the same thought Leigh brought up. What if the first daughter to deliver places her child and the second daughter sees the agony and decides she cannot go through with it. She will be torn between the guilt of her sister's placement and the desire to have her own child. What an awful situation to be in. Best of luck to you all.

I have not been there, but think that your daughters' have come up with a great idea. I can't imagine what giving a child for adoption, let alone two children, is like, whether it's an open adoption or not, but I can tell you how grateful I am that there are mothers willing to take a hard look at this option. We took our niece because her mother was unfit, and we are finalizing our adoption now. We wanted children, but weren't looking to adopt. In going through ours I have come to have enormous and deep respect for those families who can make the decision that you are making. I used to think that it was strange for women to give up their children to other families. But I don't anymore. Not by a long shot. In fact, I think it's part of being a good mother. There's nothing wrong with being a young, single mother, and wanting to give yourself and your baby a better chance. I don't know if you have relatives or close family friends who could adopt the babies, but that would be a nice option to. I wish your family the best of luck as you make your decision and hope that your husband will be able to find it in himself to support your daughters as best he can. Maybe you can get some help from a therapist. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. Amy

I have to agree with most of the views expressed. I was 17 and pregnant and I relinquished and I regret it. My son had a wonderful adoptive family and turned out great. But I also am a wonderful parent and I believe he would've turned out great with me also. Adoption scarred me for life. I have always felt inadequate and always felt that I had to overachieve to make up for getting pregnant and giving away my child. That said, I am not anti-adoption. But it should be (as expressed before) the last option. Right now it seems like your daughters are painting this rosy picture of the two babies being raised together in a happy home. But they have no real idea of the consequences. I hope that they do get unbiased counseling before they give birth. Good Luck and let us know what happens. Deb

Hi, My name is Tammy and I live in North Carolina. I have two grandsons, one is 16 months and the other is 2 months. Both babies were taken by CPS from the hospital when they were born. I have been fighting CPS for the past 16 months, trying to get placement. The kinship care foster home that the oldest one is in is not safe. The baby stays sick all of the time, but DSS wants this family to adopt him. My husband and I live on disability Social Security, so we can not afford an attorney. I did have visitation with both babies at DSS until three weeks ago. My daughter and I were met at the door and told we could no longer see the babies. I have really become attached to the oldest one especially. My son and the babies mother are not married. I'm just lost right now, I don't know what way to turn. Both of the babies need to be with their parents. My son hasn't done anything wrong for them to terminate his parental rights. His girlfriend was accused of breaking an older child's leg, that is why they removed these two from the hospital. I know in my heart she didn't do this, but she was still charged. She told them that it had happened at daycare, but DSS would not investigate. I'm planning on suing the county and state once we (hopefully) get the babies home. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks

I really have no answer for you. Good luck with this - it sounds like they are shifty!!! Perhaps you could contact a lawyer just as someplace to start. They don't usually charge to consult with them. I would find out about payment plans, etc. Does your son work? Perhaps he could pay for the legal fees. It sounds like you are going to need representation before the state does something permanent.

My son does work, but it's only at Pizza Hut. He's paying child support. I have an appointment next week with Legal Aid, or for a class that they offer. I'm hoping I may have a chance on getting one of their attorneys to take my case, if not I will try it on my own!! Thanks

NCGirl6428 I am sorry you are going through this. I would say get a lawyer out of the area. They might be in on it with DSS. Good luck and hope you bring those grandbabies home to you.

Thanks for the encouragement. I just found out that my son and his girlfriend are being evicted from their apartment. We can thank DSS for that one also. They were calling the woman that owned the apartments all of the time, aggravating her. I'm definitely out for blood now!! My son's attorney won't even talk to him now, so I'm going to see about getting someone else appointed to his case. Both of their attorneys are in with DSS. I told his attorney at the last hearing that I was going to sue them, so she doesn't want anything to do with us now. Too bad!! She can be replaced!!

Just my opinion, but I would lay off telling them your plans to sue for now. Go with the whole - you get more flies with honey approach. I think you have every reason to look into restitution from what you have said, but it seems like it is closing doors for you at this point. Get those babies first, then go for revenge, if it still seems worth it. Good luck to you.

Thanks for the advice. I know it seems like everything that I do backfires!! As far as DSS is concerned anyway. I'm documenting everything.