Post adoption depression

Originally Posted By KarenSusan,I'm with Bonnie and Gaby - this is normal!!! Don't try to make too much of it; just take one day, or one hour at a time and get as much rest as possible. I'm the adoptive mother of twin boys who are now 20 months old. I can't even begin to tell you, without doing some MAJOR whining, how hard it was to get through those first months. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Why I didn't just instantly, deeply, and spiritually bond with the little guys when I first brought them home. I was so scared of them! And then I found out that even mothers who deliver their babies feel this way sometimes too and it all works out.In retrospect,if I could do it over again, I would really try to relax, not be so hard on myself, and trust that God brought these new lives into my life for a reason, and enjoy them as much as I could. Its really strange that I was so stressed out during that time, and tired, that now I have a hard time remembering them as newborns.It only gets better, Susan, hang in there. You're going to be a terrific mom!

Originally Posted By Thank you Jamie!Thanks for that warm welcome.I have read your posts, and you too have such warmth about you. We are close in age, right? How are you doing with your adoption plan? I imagine that we too can help one another! If I can ever answer any questions from an adoptee p.o.v..just let me know! Have a great day!Mallory

Originally Posted By To Mallery;; bm JamieFeel free to e-mail me any time at jamie0909us@yahoo.com

Originally Posted By SusanThank you so much to those of you who replied with kindness, understanding and support. I had decided that I would never come back to any adoption message boards after I read some of the hateful and hurtful replies but you have restored my faith in peoples' generosity of spirit to reach out and help others. Again, thank you.

Originally Posted By SusanMallory, I agree with you about how people on this board can be mean-spirited and hard-hearted. I was so dismayed and hurt when I read some of the replies to my message about the depression I have felt since my husband and I adopted a beautiful baby boy that I decided I would not return to the message boards. But then I read messages from people like Bonnie and Gaby and you and I realized that there is great kindness out there. Thank you for taking the time to make your thoughtful comments.

Susan, You wrote this email in 2001. It is now year 2003. My husband and I just adopted a 5 month old girl from Guatemala. We have a son who is 6 (biological). I am feeling somewhat similar to the way that you described in your 2001 email. I worry that I do not love this baby (and am not capable of loving this baby) the way that I love my biological 6 year old. I feel as though I am keeping her from being with an adoptive mother who will love her as completely and totally as I loved my son at 5 months old. I never expected to feel this way. My husband is very upset with me and thinks that I am just not trying. He thinks it just takes time. This baby girl is verty beautiful, bright-eyed, and I know enough about babies to know that she has a wonderful personality. She laughs easily. She cuddles. She is vocalizing and is very observant. I have no reason to not be able to comfortable with her. I know I am not paying as much attention to her as I did my son. I know with my son I never worried that I wouldn't be a good mother to him. I am taking good care of her, but I am not falling in love with her. I have recently read about post adoption depression. If there is anybody else who has been through this or can help me get a grip on this, I would appreciate it.

You wrote that you know you're not spending as much time with this child as you did with your son. I've read that if you hold the baby constantly (even with a baby sling), and spend excessive time interacting with her, that you'll begin to bond. I hear you say that you want to be fair to the child. Given that she has bonded, and others in your family have bonded to her, I think this holding & interacting activity is one concrete way that you can attempt to change things. Psychologists know that it is almost impossible to change a feeling or emotion directly. For example, wishing you would feel differently typically won't work. In order to change an emotion, you need to approach it in an indirect manner -- e.g., by changing the behaviors (or thoughts) associated with the emotion. In this way, the increased holding and interacting, you are attempting to change the emotion indirectly via behaviors. Best wishes...

I think this is a really important topic and am glad that you posted. If you find that you're not getting many responses, it would help if you would post under a new thread...

Bonding with a new addition to the family doesn't happen overnight! I don't think that it's supposed to either. I remember my Mom telling me this after my first child was born. I felt very strange the first few weeks and I told my Mom. She just smiled and said that falling in love with a baby takes a while. You have to get used to the work and change of lifestyle part first. Rest assured that all will be fine. Be kind to your self and I bet in a few weeks you'll forget that you even felt bad. When my youngest daughter had her first baby she went through terrible PP depression. I actually took care of her baby for the first five months while my daughter slept. But we supported her and now our beautiful Grand Daughter is 2 and has the most incredible Mom ever. My daughter and I have talked about what happened and we assure her that what she went through happens. We believe that the key is family support - and no criticism. Being upset only make the Mom feel worse and guilty. I'm relating to a bi;ogical situation but we know adoptive Mom;s that have gone throught the same thing. My husband and i are almost finished with a special needs adoption and we know what to expect. Always remember to take time for yourself and be kind to yourself! The sling idea is a good one too. Pretty soon you won't be able to put that precious little love bug down! Good Luck and God Bless you all.

Thanks to Elizabeth and Dorothy. It's my hope that when my son starts 1st grade in August that I will have lots of time to bond with her. Again, I feel like I need to get alll these feelings resolved sooner rather than later. We are set to close on a house at the end of the month, move the first of August, and then it should slow down and I can resolve these feelings. My husband says not to put a time limit on it, but how can I not? Well, enough dwelling on this...back to trying to take it day by day and do the best I can and let it happen....just let it happen...that is what my husband says.

Hey Mavis, How old is your adoptive daughter? Are there real bonding issues? If it is an older child adoption, it can take both parent and child a very long time to connect. Sometimes it does not happen at all. There could also be attachment issues with your child that is preventing her from bonding with you. We have 2 adopted child...One from birth (birthmother did Meth ) she was very hard to bond with, would not let me hold her ( cried til she had a severe asthma attack) could not cuddle period and as time has gone on ( She is now 5 ) She have attachment issues ( Mild RAD) We have seen as attachment therapist for the last 8 months and she is healing. Did we bond to her... yes but it took about a year for me to say yes... she is my daughter ( it was a struggle to bond ) Now my son, We adopted him at 18 months. We really felt that he was meant to be in our family and that has held us togther through some really hard times. . He has severe Rad Issues ... He has been with us for almost 2 years and we are still working on bonding and probably will for a long time in the future. Time is the key...

I have two adopted kids, one from El Salvador, and one from Guatemala. With the first one, bonding was immediate, BING, BANG, BOOM,KAPOW!! With the second one, it took months. (I was kinda disappointed; I had loved that marvelous feeling and had been looking forward to having it all over again with the new little one.) But I am bonded to the little one now, just as strongly as to my older child. I don't know what to say other than kids are different, and furthermore, YOU are not in the same place you were when you had your first child, and just because the first was born and the second adopted doesn't mean that you won't love the second as much as the first, with time.

I think bonding takes time. Especially with an older child after having bio kids. Its unfair to compare -- but at the time you dont know that. I think that it took around a year for me to "feel" the same way about our two that I did about our bio son but LOVE is not a feeling - its an action and a choice. You have made a commitment to those children to be their parent --- even if you dont feel it - ACT on it. Remove your feelings of remorse, or guilt or whatever from the child - she didnt ask for this ... seek help and just "act" on loving the child. The feelings will come in time! JEn

Why are they reposting an archived thread?

Cde3girl, When someone responds to an archived post, the archived thread gets "resurrected". ~Sharon