The universe works in unusual ways.

Hi - I'm new to this forum. I adopted my 2 stepkids at 3 & 5 when I married their widowed father. They are two of the best people of any age that I know. We are close with his late wife's family, and keep photos of her on the wall, look at photo albums, watch videos, talk about her, visit her grave & light memorial candles for her when appropriate, feeling that it's healthiest for the kids to keep her in their lives as much as possible. She had given up another child for adoption after she was orphaned in her teens, which our kids don't know about yet. She had never wanted them to know, but she hadn't expected to die young either. This 1/2 sibling contacted us thru the adoption agency at one point, we shared info and pix, but she didn't want direct contact. So we sent a welcoming note, offering any info she wants, offering contact if she ever wants, and reassuring her that there was nothing to be scared of. We didn't tell our kids then, didn't want them confused or hurt by a sibling who for her own unknown to us but valid reasons doesn't want contact, especially going through their adolescence, decided to wait till they were grown if no contact by then. Then our daughter was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease, which in retrospect was their birth mother's cause of death. People who have it and know about it can proactively protect their health. Our son thankfully does not have it, but the risk of inheriting it is 50:50. So after telling the 1/2 sib that there's nothing to be scared of from us, we had to send her a scary letter thru the agency, directed her to the only place that tests for it, made our daughter's mutation info available to expedite testing, and she tested positive for it. Her adoptive parents phoned us appreciatively, still no direct contact with her. We have had some coincidences: She lived quite near us for a while, never ran into each other; one of the vendors at her wedding knows my husband, and got her permission to send us photos, and she turned up as a client where I work! I recognized her, notified my supportive employer, phoned her, identified myself, and gave her total control of the situation. She decided she was comfortable with it, and has set some limits which she sort of goes back and forth on, kind of circling me, stepping forward and back. Not sure if she realizes the kids, now teens, don't know about her. Not sure what her behavior and choices mean, but the whole situation is so bizarre... she's a lovely person, so much like her 1/2 sibs, her birth mom would be proud. It's so wierd to think that if she'd kept her, I'd have ended up as her stepmom. Now our daughter's health crisis has prompted the pediatrician to advise us to lose the family secrets. Dr. feels that she "knows and doesn't know," and that the psychological effects are making her physical condition worse. She's right. So we are stepping up the timetable, and will talk to the kids after school term ends. I'm going to speak privately to the 1/2 sib and let her know first, probably by phone. My employer is aware. We're struggling with: How to let her know in a non-threatening way - she hasn't wanted contact, but obviously the kids might seek her out. Not a complicated search - she's in the phone book. How to understand what her issues and fears might be - I don't think she'll talk with me about it. Most importantly, how to tell our kids, and how to explain why we kept this from them for so long without damaging trust. Ema