What I do now? First F2F request

Isn't it funny the things that go through our head! As I was wandering around Harvard Square with my bson the first night when we had our ftf he said 'How embarrassing, I'm hanging out with my mom' I said 'well better people think that than that you're my boytoy!' Well, it was funny at the time. I know I was feeling so weird in the days up to the ftf, a bit separated from the situation, like I was protecting myself in case he didn't show... Hang in there!

Don't worry, on 1st day of reunion, my son and I were walking around a pretty town, when we stopped and asked someone to take our photograph. My son (touchingly) was holding me hand for most of the afternoon and the woman took our picture, with my son's arm around me, saying, "how romantic" which cracked us up. I am a very young looking 50 year old, but my son made me laugh. After we had our picture taken, he said "did you see that woman passing us mum? she looked at us as if to say "she's old enough to be your mum" - well she is my mum!". Great memories of our first day together. He made me laugh so much in the 4 hours we had on our 1st day, I had to beg him to stop....!!!

Thanks for the laughs - I can see people's faces now! One question, did you meet at a hotel, restaurant and then go for a walk. I'm trying to figure out what would be best. Also, a little more sensitive question, and I'm not sure I've asked before - hug or handshake or what?! I'm a "huggy" kind of person - only since I heard from him a year ago. Before that I kept my emotions to myself pretty much and didn't "show" people my love for them in case they didn't reciprocate. We are virtual strangers but I just don't know what is appropriate - do I ask? It seems odd, and my other kids are like - no way mom - just do it!! Still waiting (patiently) for the call. NOT!

these are only my thoughts, but if you are a huggy person, you can bet your bottom dollar he is. My son got hugs and kisses from me.... for the first time in his life. He never got them from his amother (not a criticism, its just the way she was brought up) - but he loved it. It did however cause him anguish later, as it felt so strange, but he didn't want it any other way. Although you are "strangers" you may find like I did, that the bond of being the bmother and son kicks in almost immediately and you may find both of you doing and saying things that you instinctively recognise in each other. Its weird to the point of being almost supernatural at times, but its a crumb of comfort and "gift" I felt from my son after all those years of being separated. Also, when my son came into the room and I got up and we just put our arms around each other, be aware that I felt "who is this?", because, he is a stranger, whom I'd never met. So try not to expect too much as to how you are going to feel. You may react differently, but that's how I felt. Restaurant? i feel its not private enough, not for a first time. Hotel - if you can hire a private room for an hour, then go for a walk after, yeh, much better I think. Or maybe find a quiet part of a hotel where such a meeting would be appropriate? I definitely found that first hour in a private room so much more accommodating to my feelings and his. So any building where you can have a room to yourselves and it seems appropriate for the occasion. We had both emailed each other saying we expected to be very emotional and cry and we didn't! THAT was a surprise!! So don't be perturbed by your reaction or his, as there is absolutely no guarantee as to how you are going to react to each other. We met up c/o the adoption agency in a pretty town/ city. They made a room available for an hour and someone was to "pop" in to see how we were getting on. If it was not successful, we could just then part with the benefit of an intermediary, and a neutral place. But if it was successful (and it was) then it was suggested that after an hour, we go for a walk around town, which we did. 4 hours later, they had to call me on my mobile to say when are you coming back!! His amother spent time alone as did my friend waiting for me, so that we both had someone to go to after the meeting, but we spent our time together alone and he held my hand the entire time we were walking about town. I didn't meet his amother and he didn't meet my friend on the first meeting. The time was for us and us alone. Then time to be with our thoughts. I then stayed overnight and we met up the next day too, to make the most of a long journey, as it was 2 hours drive for me. That's why my friend did the driving, as emotionally, this experience takes you to a level I never thought possible. So I would say BE NATURAL. Don't beat yourself up. I was completely myself and so was he, even though we were strangers, we were also amazed about the jigsaw pieces that fitted in, just on talking. Don't apologise or keep apologising for anything, as it will stifle it and it will be awkward for him to keep saying don't. I found that my son wanted to protect me as much as i wanted to him . One point, if we were to meet up now (and he's used to the hugs and kisses I give him over the email/ phone) then I would want to hug him again, so there is no way I want to meet him somewhere very public. So you may want to consider a town park or somewhere, where hugging won't seem out of sorts, as I am not prepared to hug him outside a shopping mall etc no way! But a private room, maybe a hotel room or something, whatever you feel appropriate to your feelings and again, don't be so concerned about his feelings that you forget yours. I think your kids are entirely right - just do it! And enjoy the effects that this reunion will bring. I think its great that the buried part of you that made you a huggy person has come out. I certainly have benefited from the reunion and it brings out things you never knew!

Thanks Jannyroo, I don't know what I would do without all of you. I've booked a suite at a hotel downtown, about 30 minutes from my home. It's Canada Day weekend so they are hard to come by and if he doesn't call or cancels I will take the day and go to the spa and then back upstairs for as much ice cream and chocolate as I can pound back! I know the case worker who contacted me about the reunion said he is very sensitive and that's me all over. I don't know if you've read the other posts but I called him back to give him my daughter's cell phone numbers and I put my NEW phone in my purse and the next afternoon I called him again by mistake! I just got this silly phone and it's not a "flip" phone so if you have it in a case and you hit the side the buttons will push down. I've "called" a few people and been walking along thinking I'm hearing voices! I hope he doesn't think that I phoned and hung up. I'm just realizing how taxing this whole process is and I only wish and pray that he isn't going through the same ups and downs as I am. I hate to think my actions hurt anyone. I'll let you all know when he calls and how the meeting goes. But the waiting is killing me. :hissy:

Here, let me join you for a second! :hissy: Ok, breathe! Now, I think that we finalized my bson coming up to meet us the day before? Maybe two days before? YES it was FREAKING ME OUT! I plan things months in advance!! Anyway, it was ok. We met in the lobby of the hotel we were both staying in. I had warned him! He got a BIG hug. I think I would have hugged him a lot more or wouldn't have minded more physical contact but it didn't feel quite right? So I just went with that. Of course he got a great big hug when leaving as well. Now that I look back on it, I feel like a lot of our time together was sort of avoiding eye contact. I think neither one of us wanted to get too emotional. We both are people who are very emotional but we use humor instead. So there was LOTS of joking and laughing, and he gets me! Which is soooo cool. So we sat in the hotel room, unfortunately due to circumstances it was him and me and the girls (2 and 4) and my husband, but that was ok. We went to a pizza place for dinner. (actually maybe the chaos was a little good for US because we could concentrate on that). Then after dumping the rest of the entourage back at the hotel, we went out for a bit by ourselves. It was just great to hang out together. Next day we took the girls to the aquarium in Boston and wandered around quite a bit.He seemed shell shocked, but I think a bit of this was being in a big city. I wish that there had been more, that we could have had heart to hearts and bonded more, but it was still FANTASTIC! hopefully future meetings will be more. Plus I hang onto the 'you're stuck with me now'. Don't go:hypno: :hypno: :hypno:

Hearing the emtions from the other side of the reunion is rather comforting! As the adoptee, I felt many of the same fears and had many of the same questions as you firstmoms are writing about! And for the record, having read all of your suggestions about neutral place, being natural, hugging instead of just shaking hands, being alone instead of bringing tons of others into things... all sound right on to me!! For goodness sakes, Keds, why doesn't he just call!!?? Good luck to you!

Hi everyone! My bson called at 6:23 tonight - I was in the middle of a run and couldn't get it out of my pocket but I called him right back. We talked for about 10 minutes, had a few laughs and we're meeting on Monday at 1:00 p.m. I've changed the reservation for the room so we can meet there still (just me and him) and it's funny how we both kept saying "whatever you want, I don't want to intrude". I get the feeling that we are very much alike. I've spent the last 4 days holding onto my phone, checking to make sure it worked, etc. so now I'm moving on to what to wear, etc. Thanks PastorStephanie for helping me see the other side. I really don't think I'd have the nerve to meet him on Monday without all the advice and support I've received on this site. 5 days - it seems like an eternity. My feet haven't touched the ground! :loveyou:

Keds~ I totally understand the anxiety and all the worries about the little things. I also keeping thinking about what will I wear... what will our first moments be like... introductions and a hug/hand shake etc...who sits by whom... will we order food...and if so, oh gosh, what to order... Isn't it funny how we think and overthink all of these things. It's probably in hopes of controlling something in a situation where you probably can't predict anything. I just keep telling myself to not worry about it, and keep reassuring myself that it will all work out. If I'm anxious now I can't imagine what it will be like afterwards wondering when I might talk to him again... will he be interested in staying in contact... aghhh

Horray for Shash and Keds! Right now I'm a little jealous because I'd love to be planning for the next ftf! Anyway, even though my bson and I don't have huge amounts of interests in common, we NEVER ran out of things to talk about! And I totally get the 'whatever you want, don't want to intrude' attitude from both sides! This is nervewracking for them as well! Maybe even more so! We've been thinking about them everyday of their lives and aching for these meetings for a looong time! Hey, you know what one of the scariest things for me was? I realised I had to be the adult! Since to him, I am! Even though I've got two girls I'm raising, I don't often think of myself as the 'adult' especially not around someone who is! Does this make sense? And keds, I was a bit stressed about my weight, until I saw pictures of bson's amom and step-mom, neither of them are model types! So I figured, maybe he's used to the mom figure being a little cushy? :grouphug: I can't wait to read about these reunions! oh and Keds, congrats on your daughter's graduation...

Quantum, I laughed about the cushy part and being the adult. I still expect to get asked for ID occasionally - wishful thinking! My oldest daughter and I are very close and go to movies, etc. together so I too sometimes "forget" that I'm the adult (my behaviour gives me away sometimes as well!). Shash, you are right - I am a bit of a control freak and this is one time I have to realize that I can't control anything! Just go with the flow. I haven't seen pictures of his amom or stepmom but I'm hoping they aren't the Cindy Crawford type but if they are he may be looking for a Bridget Jones - and that's me all over (including the wine and chocolates, although I can cook and I don't smoke!). He's going to call on Saturday to confirm everything and I hope to talk to him Sunday as well so that we have a bit more time to chat before Monday. His girlfriend is moving to a city that's only an hour away so he may be moving closer in the fall (he's now 6 hours away) so we may be able to see each other more often. One step at a time though. First, Monday and then the rest of our lives. Love to all.

You are doing SO WELL!!! :-) It will be great. I think I did freak my bson out a few times by asking if he wanted to get mother/son tattoos... I was kidding! well mostly... hmm is there no evil grin smiley?? :eyebrows:

Quantum~ I think you are right, they are probably as nervous if not more nervous than us. And I can totally relate to the feeling that I have to be the "adult", because believe me I really don't feel like an adult. I remember meeting the aparents when I was pregnant and thinking that they seemed older aka: adults... and oh my gosh, now I'm the age they were then. Agghhh... does that mean that I too look like an adult to teenagers. What a scary thought.

Keds!! I am so happy for you! How amazing and exciting! Monday, huh?? Wow. Is the adoptee as nervous as the bparent?? YES! Without a doubt! I made a list of things casual conversational starters and then memorized it in preperation of my first f2f... just in case the conversation lagged for any reason (TOTALLY UNNESSARY!! Mostly because a millions members of my afamily were there and they never left us alone... but I am so glad that you went with your gut and are going to meet alone for your first meeting! The whole adult things is a really good point... I know that so far everyone is kinda kidding about being the adult but that has been an issue for me in my reunion. I really need my bmom to be the adult especially emotionally and often she acts like the child. I encourage you to have the mindset of being the adult and not putting your bchildren into the position of having to be the adult. I don't think my bmom is even aware that she does this but it is really an intense burden to try to carry! Good luck, Keds, keep us all posted!!

Pastor Stephanie, thanks, I am so nervous but it is only in the "getting there". I walk 8 km every day (mostly to keep my sanity) and I've spent the last 10 days thinking and reciting various conversations/topics in my head. I know none of it will likely be what comes into my mind - I think I'll be stunned to see him in the flesh but I am going to concentrate on putting him first and making him feel comfortable. I know he's just as nervous - if not more - but I don't want to disappoint him either. My daughters have already told me not to "screw this up for them!" and my husband is having trouble sorting out his feelings and is likely making him uncomfortable as he isn't ready to meet him (also his bdad). I'm trying to relay to my bson that is due to my husbands feelings and issues and isn't about him. If he can't get a grip it's his loss! Hopefully, I won't scare him off but I'm going to be as honest and forthcoming as I can. I think my approach is that I do so want him and need him in my life but I'm going into this without any expectations, just hopes. As my youngest daughter said to me ғI just want to shout to everyone that I have a brother. I feel exactly the same way. Also, I have broad shoulders (at least I think I do) so I want him to lean on me or least "dump" some of his emotional baggage on me. I just hope he's ready and willing to do so! I just want to give him some peace of mind. Where we go from here is all up to him. All the best and only 2 more days!!! LOL