Guilt

First of all, I am really sorry about how your family has treated you. It is unbelievably similar to how women were treated between WWII and Roe v. Wade. All too often families would force mothers' hands by not being supportive, and then years later they would shame them once again by saying that the mothers abandoned their children. Don't allow yourself to believe what your family is saying to you. You did not abandon your daughter. Your family abandoned you.You're not deluding yourself by writing to your daughter. You are telling her about yourself and how you're feeling at a given point in time. (Writing is, for many, very cathartic, and I think writing to your daughter could really help you. Yes, it would be wonderful if one day she could get those letters from you, but this would be for you as much as for her. You need to tell your story, and this way, you can tell it to her in letters.)Yes, your adoption is closed. Mine was as well. But, the laws of my state of birth changed, and I was able to obtain my OBC. And, other adoptees (and mothers) have found their families without OBCs, just through the non-identifying information from the adoption agency.State laws throughout the country are slowly changing. Hopefully, by the time your daughter reaches adulthood, all states will allow adoptees access to their original birth certificates.And, you may want to tell your fiance. It won't get any easier. It will only get more difficult as time passes.... What if one day your daughter does find you, and you still haven't told you husband about her?My mother is in the closet. Her husband knows about me. But, her children, extended family, and friends do not. So, even though I found her, we still cannot know one another. Oh, and you may want to read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. It's excellent, and I think you would see yourself in some of the stories. Also, you might like Brene Brown's Ted Talks online "The Power of Vulnerability" and "Listening to Shame."Take care of yourself. Treat yourself with kindness. Get the counseling you need. Find a career focus. And go back to school. You can do it. You are worthy of happiness and success.

I suppose I hadn't considered the repercussions of hiding this from my fiance. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to develop a relationship with your mother. That is the last thing I want. My adoption was complicated. Although it is closed, I know her parents, and they live in the same city. We met when I was 5 months pregnant and because my parents were so ashamed, this couple took me to every doctor's appointment, had lunch with me, showed me their home and the baby-proofing they had done, kept every sonogram, and stayed in the hospital with me when she was born. We all knew from the beginning that it would be closed and there would be no contact afterwards, but I feel like I lost 3 people the day we left the hospital. I hope they tell her how much I loved her. Did your mother write letters to you or is that something you would have liked? What else could I be doing now to help her down the line?

Also, I was just looking at doctors within my insurance plan but don't see adoption as a specialty. How will I know if they have a background?

No, my mother did not write letters to me. I just think it is a sweet thing to do, and it would be cathartic for you. And, it would give your daughter proof that she wasn't forgotten. (I have read some posts by mothers who have written letters, and I just think it's lovely.)I hope they tell her, too. And, I can see why you feel as though you lost three people. They were the only people who supported you emotionally during your pregnancy.And, I'm thrilled that you know who her parents are. That means that YOU can find her when she turns 18. I cannot believe that your counselor was telling you that you were deluding yourself when you know the names of your daughter's parents!!! If you think writing letters to your daughter will help you heal, do it because you may well have the opportunity to one day give her those letters. When she is 18, you can seek her out. (It's probably best to wait until she's no longer living with her parents.) But, don't think that a closed adoption means that you can never attempt contact. There is always hope. Sometimes you can look their names up on a search engine and see what their specialties are. If you find a support group in your area, the members of the support group may know of good counselors. And, sometimes, you just have to call and ask the counselors directly if they have any background in adoption-related issues.Also, I want you to get more feedback from others on this forum. So, before posting to a specific section, look and see when the last post was made to that section. Some sections of the forum are like ghost towns, and this section doesn't seem to be well traveled. But, there are some really wise b-moms on this site.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. For the hope, your warmth & welcoming, and all of your suggestions. It took me a while, and I'm new to this, but I thank you again for your advice on posting. I apologize for my ignorance; typical newbie I know. I'm so glad we connected, though, and you happened upon my post. I have been crying and shaking (in a good way!) since I posted this and saw your reply. You have helped me more than you know. Thank you.

I'm glad I was helpful.I hope you can connect with other b-moms on here as well.

I sent you a private message. It has a couple websites on it that you might find helpful.I didn't post them here because this forum typically does not like us to post links to other sites.

Hello clj7 and welcome to the forums! I am a birthmom. I placed my son for adoption when I was in high school. That was in 1991. When I got pregnant, my boyfriend denied that he could be the father and his family believed him so I had no support there. My parents said that I could not stay at home if I kept my baby so I had no support there. Not that my home was anyplace to raise a baby anyway. We were dirt poor, both of my parents were alcoholics, my father was also a drug addict, and both of my parents were abusive. There were no resources for underage girls in my position back then. I made the only decision I could for my son. I placed him with some folks who went to church with some friends of my grandparents. There really was no thing as open adoption back then so it was understood that it would be a closed adoption. I was happy that I would know through the grapevine that he was doing well. He grew up to have the great life I wanted him to have. Today, he and I are fb friends and we chat occasionally. He is too afraid of hurting his parent's feelings to have any deeper relationship with me at this time. That has been really disappointing for me but I understand it. I was dumb enough to believe the bull that society continues to tell women thinking of placing their children to this day about how I would move on with my life after I lost my baby. I went through years of hell after I placed him. I was so depressed that I stayed in bed a lot. I drank, I did drugs, I slept around. I did anything I could to drown the pain I was in. When you are pregnant and in a predicament, society tells you that you are "brave", and "strong", and "selfless" for placing your baby for adoption. However, once you've done it, those same people call you all sorts of terrible things and treat you like the scum of the earth. Even my parents would say terrible things to me like, "I can't believe you would throw your baby away like trash." I would fight back with, "You threatened to throw us both out like trash if I kept him!" I finally got my act together when my son was about 10 years old. Today, I have been with my husband for 15 years. I have earned 2 degrees. I make good money. I have a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, in a nice suburb. I also have another son who is 5. My upper middle class soccer mom friends have no idea who I really am. My mom has cleaned up her own life and we have a relationship now. It's not really a mother/daughter relationship but it's something. My dad has too many mental/emotional issues for us to have a relationship. I go see him on his birthday every year but that is it. I just want you to know that you are not alone. There are many of us out here. We've all been through the long, hard road that you are walking now. We all make it in our own way on our own time. (((hugs)))

Gwen, your upper middle class soccer mom friends have no idea what you've been through. But, they know who you really are. You're an intelligent woman who despite her upbringing made a solid life for herself. This is one of my favorite quotes: "I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.Ӕ --Booker T. Washington Your soccer mom friends probably didn't have to overcome all the obstacles that you have in order to achieve comparable lifestyles.

I've been reading this thread since it first posted and it keeps crossing my mind when I'm not online.The thought I keep having over and over again about it is this:You did the best you could at the time with what you knew then and the support that was available. You can't beat yourself up with guilt for not knowing things you know in hindsight. Each of us makes decisions every day. Those decisions are based on the knowledge we have at that moment. At the time you made your decision, you made what you thought and hoped was the best, and it was probably the only decision, you could make. You aren't guilty for making the only choice you had available. My mom abandoned me for 4 years with family. While the experience left me with issues to deal with, it's not an impediment to our relationship. She did the best she could at the time based on who she was then. She would make a different choice now.I hope that at some point you can know what happened to your daughter. Did you use an agency? If so, is it possible to ask to send a message to the adoptive family asking for just an update on how she's doing and a picture or two? It's not much, but maybe they would be open to it and it would help. I'm an AP, so I know I would respond to that, but I also know not all APs would.

Thank you for thinking of me and for replying. I'm so sorry for the 4 years you went without your mother, and I appreciate your perspective. I'm really happy to hear you have a relationship now and you realize her options were limited.I didn't use an agency, it was a private adoption. I have often thought of sending a note, birthday card, picture, or something, as I do know their address. I realize that sounds unusual. The adoption was complicated. The only thing that has kept me from doing so is, again, guilt. The family wasn't certain at the time of adoption that they would inform her of being adopted. I don't want them to feel like she isn't theirs, or like I'm impeding on their lives. I feel like they've moved on and forgotten about me, I'd open an old wound for them. It's true that I did what I could with what I had. My family shunned me and kept me inside for the last 4 months of my pregnancy for fear that anyone we knew would see me, judge me, or judge them, worst of all. I'm trying to be kind to myself. I saw my old university advisor today and I'm planning to attend the last half of this session. I only have 3 semesters to complete for my bachelor's. I also made an appointment with a licensed therapist who has experience with adoption. I know once I get started, I'll be on a roll. It has been getting there that has been most difficult. For the last 6 years, I've been in hiding, and felt so alone. I only wish I joined this forum years ago.

Gwen, thank you so much for your reply. I feel like we're the same person. I really appreciate you making me feel welcome and sharing your story with me. I'm so relieved and happy to hear your son has been successful. I'm sorry your relationship isn't as developed as we all wish it would be, but I'm so glad you've established one and have connected on Facebook. I'm thrilled you picked such wonderful parents.

posted a reply that ended up on another thread. not sure how it happened. I see this thread is more recently dated

I accidentally posted multiple threads and can't figure out where to comment, so I apologize in advance for the duplicate here.Also, I've considered sharing this on many occasions with my fiance. I need to talk this out with a therapist but I feel (irrationally) he'll leave me once he realizes how truly broken I am. He's such a good man and he has an incredible family who is close and loves us dearly. I don't want him to feel that he is marrying an incomplete woman. He deserves better so I try to BE better. For him, myself, our future children, and my daughter. I want to be a whole person, not live with scars and holes in my heart. I want to forgive myself and be at peace. I just don't know how or where to start. I have been reading the Adoptee Restoration blog and something she posted really struck me:I had experienced perpetual trauma throughout life. Detaching had been my life-long response. She explained that the pain was so great throughout my life, I would detach from it, in order to survive.This is so true. I've repressed a great deal of childhood trauma and it's only now coming back to haunt me with new trauma I'm enduring. I just hope I can make it through this.

You've already started! You're talking about it."Don't compare your behind-the-scenes to everyone's highlight reel." Source: unknown