Coping with neglect in Open Adoption

I hesitate to post this, but with the recent ‘influx’ of ‘difficult birthfamily’ posts I’ve seen, I thought it’d be nice to hear a bit from the other side of open adoption, at least for those of us who feel beaten up every time we read about the negative opinions people seem to have of first parents. I posted a few weeks ago (or longer) that my daughter would be coming to visit – since the ‘2 days and a wake up’ post, I haven’t really expanded on how things went, other than they didn’t go as expected or as I’d hoped. A week ago, my daughter went home and I sunk into a deep depression and finally, today, I am feeling ‘up’ to talking about how things went. My daughter is being horrifically neglected. Not in an ‘I’m over sensitive because she’s my daughter and they are adoptive parents and they will never be good enough’ kind of way…but in a ‘OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER! HER FEET ARE DEFORMED!’ kind of way. My daughters parents have struggled with mental illness, bad life choices, bad marriage situations and constant relocations – they are unstable. They weren’t when I placed kiddo with them, but shortly after I placed, something ‘happened’ (no, I don’t know what) and they not only feel off the rocker, the rocker is totally in the other room. I first noticed the issues four (maybe five?) years ago. They came to visit and things were just not as ‘great’ as I thought they should be (listen, I’ve been a single parent, with a single income – my expectations aren’t that high)…but I pushed it to the back of my head and just mustered through.Then, when we had another visit, several years later (lots of moving, financial stuff and just bad timing kept us apart for a while) things ‘seemed’ better…So I let it go.Now, two weeks ago, I am standing at the airport and I see my daughter walking towards me wearing the nastiest, dirties, torn up, to small clothes I have ever seen…and her shoes were almost two sizes to small too…but I didn’t know that right then.To say that I am angry would be the biggest understatement known to man.I spent a week teaching my daughter about using sanitary napkins (it was her third period and no one had time to show her how to use a pad), I showed her how to bathe, because it was clear, she had not been instructed, I took her shopping to buy her shoes, clothes, underwear (she came with no underpants or bra and clearly needed one!) all of this, with her mom in tow, completely oblivious to her shortcomings. After they’d been here about four days, I decided it was time that I confront her mom and tell her how I feel. Her response, “Kiddo wants to come live with you and I’m not opposed to the idea’. We talked long and hard – and the end result is that her mother KNOWS she’s not cutting the mustard, she admits that dad is verbally abusive to both of them, but she wont leave and she wont get help…so she asked me to ‘step up’ and pick up where she is clearly leaving off. So, I am.Tonight, she called me to tell me that Kiddo won’t mind/listen to her and could I please talk to her.Kiddo will be back here in a few weeks for the remainder of the summer and may stay for the school year, we’re still talking about that. My reason for posting is NOT to get sympathy from others – I don’t need it, we’re working through it and I am doing everything I can to make sure Kiddo has everything she needs to be well adjusted, happy and loved…my reason is to get it out there. Adoptive parents aren’t perfect and we rarely see posts like this where a first parent is faced with the realization that their child is being damaged in their adoptive home.This post isn’t ‘anti-adoption’ - this post is my real life story as I am living and breathing it right now. This post is a reflection of the realities of adoption for my daughter and me…and is not meant to attack adoptive parents as a whole.