Why do people stare?

Suz, I don't have a child with disabilities, but I used to work with an early intervention system before. I had one parent who had a very hard time with this. I think people stare because it's just different. They were probably wondering how such a sweet young one ended up in a wheel chair. Most people assume if someone is in a wheel chair it's because they can't walk at all.Seriously though, I don't know. People just don't think. With kids I can understand because they are naturally curious and just wonder why. Maybe we as adults just haven't gotten over that?

Suz, Welcome to the wonderful world of nosey folks!! We get stares all the time. We're used to it now. The funny thing is L "WILL" make them talk to her. She says Hello to everyone. Then of course we get the the "you poor thing! what happened to (name a limb)?Then we have to say why she has a brace on her arm & leg. It's not as bad now since she doesn't wear a brace on her leg anymore. But we still get them, because B is in his wheelchair/Medical stroller. What gets me the most was yesterday, we have a handicap parking placard. We were at Walmart, and Tim had loaded the kids in the truck already. This lady and her teen daughter walked by, the daughter said Hmm Look at that!! There's nothing wrong with him!! He doesn't even have a handicap license!! Her mom said Yes he does, look on his mirror. The daughter said "well he's not handicapped". The mom said you don't have to be in a wheel chair, and there's other reasons why you have handicap parking permission. The mom knew that we had diabled kids. cuz she saw B's stroller. The lil heffer just kept on, her mom told her to shutup, that she didn't know what she was talking about. I was about to say something, but the girl left. It just irritates me!

Oh boy have we had this one! People also make dumb comments. One lady asked me if I took drugs when I was pregnant. I was shocked, I am sure she was thinking thalidamide, or something but gee whiz, like I would admit that to a stranger if it was true? I know bio parents of kids like mine often feel guilty (we have talked about it in support group) and wonder if they did something they should not have when they were pregnant, they wonder if that one drink they took before they knew they were pregnant, or that box they moved, or mthe antibiotic they were on could have caused it. They feel tremendous guilt, and I can't imagine how much a comment like that would hurt them, me it just annoyed. A lot of people stare cause they have never seen a handcapped kid in person, my kids they have never seen a kid missing those parts, I know that with a kid who looks healthy they are trying to figure out what the problem is. I caught myself doing that during the lions camp awards ceremony. Seeing kids come down who look normal and wondering what their handicap was. Some kids were deaf or blind and some were in wheelchairs or had walkers, but some I could not tell. My daughter told me some had arthritis, and one had a heart condition and one had what I think is a shunt (from a seven year olds description) and another could not go in the pool because of the risk of infection, not sure about that one, maybe cath or something or immune issues. But I did catch myself looking at kids and wondering. I think that with some kids they are suprised because they expect disabled kids to have a certain look. I also find that if people do talk to my son, especially and my daugher (though she is more shy and sometimes won't talk to them) they expect they to be either mentally deficiant or deaf. They will talk in baby talk to my seven year olds or talk very loudly to them. I honestly think it bothers me more than my kids. I get annoyed. However we have been dealing with it for seven years now and getting used to it. Most people are nice, a few make stupid comments. Ocassionally I think someone is being rude when in truth it's that they know someone, usually a relative who has recently had an amputation and are amazed at how happy my kids are and how thier life is not over because of a missing limb. Those people when they talk to me make me glad I didnt say somthing rude when I first thought they were being rude!

I stare. well, maybe not STARE.....but you will catch me looking.....for lots of reasons. I'm curious. I have a heart for children with special needs. I have 2....but neither of them have physical impairments, so nobody can see/could see their disablities. My dd has mental disablities now controlled by meds for the most part, but she is very needy. Sometimes, I think it would be "easier" if other people could see her needs. Because when I hear, "oh....if you would just discipline her," I think if she had an obvious need, people wouldn't say it. But b/c she blends into the crowd, people don't notice she has s.n. I've even had teachers tell me she is "normal" and make me feel like the crazy mom UNTIL half way through the year when they finally review her file and can't handle her one more day. So when I see your children, it makes me think of my dd. I also notice ALOT, that children with physical impairments often appear to be happy and content. I am often captivated by their smile or the twinkle in their eye. Earlier this year, we attempted to adopt a little boy with a shortened arm, malformed fingers, and malformed head from Guatemala. Sadly for me, it didn't work out b/c another family was faster than I was. BUT, while we were trying I noticed myself finding every child with limb differences and just watching them. I watched while their physical disabilities did not in one single way impede them from being a kid....a little kid at that. Nothing stopped them. You could see the drive and determination in them, and it was beautiful. I knew I could parent "Alex" as I watched these children. I try not to be rude.....but I am watching. I want to adopt two more kids. And I am continually drawn to children with special needs. I find myself wondering what my family is capable of. And the more children I see with phyical needs, the more I think about it. I know what it is like to be stared at. dd tantrums in public...she's 12. that's fun ;) And we are white parents, with hispanic kids, who used to foster african american kids..i've had the looks, and the comments. So I know it can be uncomfortable. I just want to say, that not everyone has poor intentions. SOme of us, are just curious. Some of us are searching our souls wondering what is next for our family. Some of us, think that your children are beautiful, inside and out. I always try to smile and say hi to the kids, bc I am really not trying to make anyone uncomfortable. **and a side note about the handicap placards. i hear ya. My father is considered disabled b/c he had polio as a child and can not walk far distances. but he can walk. and when wearing pants, you can not tell he is disabled AT ALL. My father-in-law has rheumatoid arthritis....and it is a similar story...doesn't have "the look" but he has "the need." Unfortunately, I think they will always have issues with rude people making comments about their abilities. I'm having to watch my 60 year old father get some pretty tough skin pretty fast. He never lets a comment about the placard bother him, but he never lets it slide by either. It is a shame, he has qualified for the placard his whole life, and did not get one until last year b/c he just couldn't do it anymore......but the comments he gets now is exactly while he waited. I understand people will look and try to figure out his deal...I would....but people need to learn to keep the nasty comments to themselves.

I injured my arm several months ago, and have done a round of splints, and slings, and surgery, and more slings (this time with tubes sticking out of them), and now I'm down to just a compression bandage around my elbow. And people STILL walk up to me out of the blue and ask me about it! It's normally fine, but catch me on a bad day and watch out! I've even had a couple people walk up to me, PUT THEIR FINGERS AROUND THE BANDAGE, and ask me what happened. I just about knocked one of them over the other day. I just had surgery you flippin' idiot, now get your fingers off my stitches! If someone had done that to a child in my care instead of to me, I probably would have hit them. At least you haven't run into anyone that dumb yet. But people do seem to think they have some right to know everyone else's private business. The clerks who notice and say "would you like some help out to your car?" are appreciated. The people who see me struggling to pick something up one-handed and who offer to help are apprciated. The people who stand there and stare like I have two heads aren't. The people who interrupt my conversations with my friends to ask "what happened to your arm?" aren't. I feel like I'm dumping all over your thread when I intended to comiserate... Honestly, some people may be looking because of your daughter's cuteness, or at least her cuteness contrasted against the wheelchair. I noticed that when my swelling got to the point that I had to take off my wedding ring, that I *suddenly* got a lot of single guys trying to bond with me over shared broken arm stories. A lot more attention than I got when I was single and healthy, I tell you that! Maybe they felt like my bandages gave them an opening? Maybe they would have not noticed, if it weren't for the bandage drawing their attention? Without them I may have just blended into the crowd... So I wonder if you are getting some of that. A cute little daughter in a stroller is "normal". A cute little daughter in a wheelchair might make them take a second look. The wheelchair may have drawn their attention, but your daughter's looks may have kept it. I hope you get at least something useful from this! Hang in there!

I look, but don't stare. What I really try to do is make eye contact and smile...because too often I feel society tries too hard NOT to even look..like they are almost afraid to look, and then there are those who just can't see past a person's disability and don't SEE them as a person...kwim? Not that I'm arrogant enough to think "I'm brightening this person's day, good for me!";) Just saying I know what it feels like to be stared at and "THROUGH"...so my natural inclination is to make sure I don't do that. I typically will smile, nod, say "hi" etc. to almost anyone I come across when walking in public in general though. I'm "friendly"....lol! I tend to get questions from kids when they hear me speak or if they happen to see my implant attachment on my head. I answer those in a friendly way, because I'd rather they ask and get the right answer, see there's nothing to be afraid of etc. Often their parents are "shushing" them and I let them know it's okay with me if they ask.

Thanks y'all are making me feel much better. I LOVE the people that smiled at E or said Hi to her (I should have mentioned that there were some nice people at the mall instead of just whining about the ones I thought were rude). I did have some people like Crick mentioned that were trying not to look or afraid to look but turned and stared after we passed them. Mommy to Eli - I really appreciated your post :)! It is actually easier now that she is in the wheelchair than to have her look "normal" ......people wonder why I'm lugging a 5 year old around (I have gotten comments on -she's too big for you to carry you should make her walk) I think I'm going to start a new thread about the Handicap Placard as we just got one of those. This is a whole new world to me - 3 years ago I knew I was adopting a medically fragile child - we are now in new territory with the physical disability part of it. Thanks everyone for your support

I have to agree the touching thing makes me mad. One time we were in Wal mart, and I was looking at watch bands. My daughter was in the cart, she was very young then and liked dresses and in a shopping cart always sat with her legs crossed under her dress. That's just how she was comfortable. This was before she got her prosthetics. In fact we had not been home with her long at all. Anyway, the boys were talking to another child thier age whose parents were also shopping, and they started telling her about thier new little sister and mentioned she had different legs and that she didn't speak English, or really even Russian (she was ten months old!) and how really she had almost no hair and only two teeth and she wore diapers, etc. Just normal kids talking stuff. Well her parents came over and started listening to the kids conversation. Suddenly the little girls father, says really, let me see and walks over to the cart and LIFTS MY DAUGHTERS DRESS UP so he can see her legs! I could not beleive his nerve! I was too shocked to think of anything clever to say. I just said, "EXCUSE ME" and took off with my children. Of course a funny story also happened becuase of the way she sat in the cart. This one was after her amputation surgery. Anyway, she had recenlty gotten out of her cast and I think you could still see the place where the stiches had been and there had been pins to straighten her bone and that left marks too. So her stumpy (her name for her right leg where the partial foot was amputated) was not very pretty at that time. Anyway, we were shopping and I was trying to hurry before I had to pick the boys up from school. I was putting all the groceries on the belt and kind of not really listening to what the elderly lady behind us was saying. I was aware she was talking baby talk to my daughter but didn't really think anything of it, when all of a sudden I realized she was saying, "where's that little foot, I gonna tickle that little foot" etc. Right as I turned around to say something, my daughter stuck her leg out (her other leg is very short and would not stick out beyond the hem of the dress) the lady toook off before I could say anything and the cashier burst out laughing and then I could not help it, so did I. I felt so sorry for the lady and looked for her to apologize, but she was nowhere to be found. I still feel bad, but you have to admit it was funny. My daughter did not understand what was so funny. LOL

ok lorraine.....i was SO mad during your first story that I just kept thinking about how I was going to write that what he did was unacceptable....but then I read the next one and I'm STILL laughing....hahaha.....THAT is funny!

Hey you have to be able to laugh. I teach my kids that if your can't laugh at yourself, then you can't handle it when other people do. We laugh a lot at our house. Now, as for the staring I have also been in the position where I was the one being stared at. I have lupus and at one point it caused me to have a terrible weeping rash all over my face and neck. It was also pretty painful. The stares I got were unbeleivable. Most people would look, and then look away and then look again. No one smiled or spoke to me. People avoided me, even some friends avoided me. My pastor at the time (a total red neck by his own admission) after I finally found a medicine that worked and it started clearning up told me he was so happy that I no longer looked like I had been beat with the ugly stick. Then he felt bad for the way he said it. He did say it in a terrible way, but he was the only person who said a word. Everyone else ignored me till it cleared up. I think I am glad people talk to my kids instead of ignore them.

I have been through this many times. My parents foster for a non profit group that brings children from third world country to the US for medical care. I was already 17 when we started so I have had a large part of raising most of the children who have come and gone. We are so used to the staring I usually don't even realize it is happening. But my sister ( now adopted ) was our first child we ever took and had seriously malformed legs due to arthrogryposis. I was probably about 18 and she was around 2 and I look very young for my age to begin with and we were out food shopping. Now she could not sit in a cart normally because here legs were basically stuck at all kinds of weird angles and do not bend so she was sitting sideways in the child seat with her legs sticking straight over the side. Some women came up behind us and saw her sitting the wrong way and starting yelling at me she was going to fall. As she walked around and really looked at the both of our faces she started questioning what I HAD DONE TO MY DAUGHTER? WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO CAUSE THIS? WHAT HAD I DONE? First of all she is Dominican and very dark and I am as light as can be and probably looked about 15-16 at this point. She jumped to the conclusion she was my daughter and that I had done something in a pregnancy to cause this. I finally explained the situation and she quickly turned and walked away. We have had many children with all kinds of amputations and malformations that catch peoples eye. We have even had problems at places like amusement parks where we put the kids on rides and the ride operator goes to take the child off and doesn't realize the child can't stand and makes a huge scene when he realized the child did not have legs. We have come to terms with doing the best to educate those who are interested and ignore those who are mean. Like others have said sometimes when I see a child with special needs I find myself looking and smiling at the child or saying Hi because they usually remind me of a child in my own life I may miss if they have returned home. Now that my husband and I are being licensed for foster care I am so looking at all those crazy stares we will get with an even bigger crazier bunch of kids then we already have.

I do this too, but I've also noticed that since my son died I will stare at children in wheelchairs that are obviously not able to move around/communicate because that could have been my son if he lived. When I see those kids it's hard not to stare and imagine it's my son sitting there. This probably isn't common but could account for some of the more intense stares. It's kind of like an infertile person staring daggers at pregnant women (I do that too :eyebrows: )

I stare. I don't mean to, but I bet I do. It's a combination of curiosity, sympathy, and a totally selfish need to convince myself that the child is "okay" and not in pain.I'm sorry. I know it's wrong and I have gotten better about not staring once I realized I was doing it. But it's hard to be a foster mom and not take note of every child's "issues" or "differences" whether they're physical or behavioral or otherwise. I'm hypersensitive, I guess.(After having a 2 yo who tantrumed EVERYWHERE we went, loudly enough to wake the dead EVERY time, I stare at kids who are having meltdowns in public, too. I watch, and reminisce about our little guy, and think about how much louder he is than this kid in front of me... and I miss him. A little bit. And I'm sure the parents think I'm staring in judgment, when in fact I'm appreciating the camaraderie even though they don't feel it.)