I dont know if what I am feeling is normal or if I am going insane I gave my baby girl up for adoption at she was born in may and I just cant get past it I dont want to go out and I dont want to see people or talk to them sometimes I start to feel o.k. and I think im gonna be ok but then it jus hits me all over again that she is gone and I thought that it would get better but every day it gets harder not being with her I know I did the right thing for her But I still feel so guilty.... will this pass has any ever felt like this.??????? please help thank you
Try [URL="http://www.emptyarms.org"]Empty Arms Home Page[/URL]. Whilst it is written for mothers who don't go on to have any more children (e.g. me) you may find you identify with the overwhelming sense of loss. I do get to feeling that we have our babies, relinquish them and try to 'get on with life' as if! Don't confuse yourself and your feelings by trying to tell yourself that you shouldn't feel this way. Its a bit like our bodies shove in some kind of mental anaesthetic called 'disassociation' and it hits hard. Some of what you describe is similar if not the same as I felt.
When you have given a child up for adoption, it is like a bereavement. Your body has prepared for nine months to have a child and you have bonded with the child for those months and your whole psyche is ready for this child.. except that you don't take him home. So is it any wonder you are feeling how you do?
I remember the feelings you describe very well, even though it was nearly 30 years ago. You would do well to get some form of support in place, as you will need to talk - plenty. If you can get counselling (adoption, please don't try 'ordinary' as the two don't go together and you could end up feeling more depressed when the comments made are from someone who has no idea the impact of adoption has on a birthmother and you really really need people who are really in tune with how you feel and can make appropriate responses. I had social workers who said to me 'why are you crying' when they took my son from me for adoption. They couldn't understand why I was so distressed when he was going to a 'good home' a 'better place' - so you don't want comments that don't give you the underlying compassion to help you with your loss).
I feel you should not be told or tell yourself that you 'did the right thing' as a focus to try and cope, because everything in your being is telling you that you gave up your child and its not a normal thing to do, I realise that now, (but some will disagree with me on that, but I will disagree with them) but everyone told me that I did the right thing, so why was I feeling so bad if it was the right thing to do? The reason I also say that is because whenever I tried to speak to my mother about it, I would be met with a "you did the right thing' so it effectively closed the conversation, closed down my feelings and my crying need to talk, full stop and made me feel that I couldn't talk about it - to anyone. Its almost as if we need convincing that we did the right thing, when in fact, we are now MOTHERS and yet motherhood has been effectively given to someone else, so no wonder we feel so strange and disorientated.
I remember not being able to talk to people, it was as if I was walking about in slow motion, as if I was in limbo. The stress is the same as post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - we have just been parted from our babies, and yet my dearest so-empty, you have parted with your child since MAY, that is not long. You are undoubtedly in shock. Be kind to yourself and try to understand the enormous impact this is bound to have on you.
'Society' and my mother 'told' me - 'you've done the right thing' when in actual fact I needed to be asked "how do YOU feel about this', how are you today? what would you like to say today? Do you know it is quite normal to feel like that. I think Nancy Verrier's books and her website [URL="http://www.nancyverrier.com"]Nancy Verrier[/URL] helped me enormously. There was so much in her work in her books that I would underline. In fact there wasn't much that I didn't. There is a 'page' for bmothers on her website, so again, you may find comfort in that.
I've only really had my emotional needs met in the past 16 months with counselling with a wonderful adoption counsellor. The first one was not very good, but it turns out that I found out (much to my disgust) that she wasn't a professional adoption counsellor but a social worker that worked for the adoption organisation who offered her as a counsellor!! So be prepared to move on, don't take the first person that is offered if you find you don't feel supported by her. I do so hope you can get hold of someone, but in the meantime these forums are as good as any support.
You can take heart in that there is much more support about these days and more understanding as to how bmothers feel (well, there is at least Nancy Verrier and this website, anyway!) and the fact that counselling is available at all is undoubtedly an improvement. I had my baby taken from me (so if I feel that way, then I dont feel as if I was so voluntary about it as I let myself believe) and that was it. Get on with it. I read one book about it, closed down and buried my feelings. I think in hindsight it would have been better if I could have talked about it, but people I opened up to either didn't have much to offer, or worse, their comments would make me bury myself further. So the fact you have found this website I think is a great thing, in my opinion it is the best around.
These are just my personal thoughts and others may disagree, but I feel you need to express how you are actually feeling rather than what you feel you should be feeling. There is a hole in your heart, and I don't think anybody can say to you that it will get better, one just learns to 'live alongside it'. Like bereavement, with support and love and appreciation of what you are going through, you will learn to live alongside it. Some bmothers have found that the hole heals upon reunion when the child is an adult. Although saying that, if you have an open adoption, that may be better for you? We were only offered closed adoption when I gave up my baby. I'm sorry, but most bmothers will tell you that the yearning doesn't go. The best we can offer you is our support because we have lived it. Its early days yet, but with the kind of 'ear' you will get on these forums, that will help enormously. PM me if it gets too bad and you want to talk.
((((hugs)))) its a tough time.
