Normal behavior for birth mom?

Thanks to all who have posted. You've helped me to be more compassionate, more honest, and also more thoughtful about the future! Some of your First Mom stories really pull at my heart, and I than you for sharing them. I also appreciate the cautions about boundaries from others; you've helped, too. First, an update. Birthmom is not moving closer to us; their plans changed, and she is moving overseas because of her husband's work. I have such mixed feelings. I was surprised at how sad I felt; I'm still having some trouble with it. It means we won't have visits for a couple of years. I can't believe I think that is a negative, when we had such a rocky start!! There is a little bit of relief, too. It removes the difficult questions of holidays, family events, etc. (which I find hard enough to deal with in my pre-existing extended, divorced families). It gives us both a breather, and a chance for her to move forward, without feeling guilty on her end if she does seek less contact (which is happening, by the way, as she gets busier in her life). Some confusion is already taking place about the "Mom" issue. Our daughter is supposed to call her "mama" and me "mommy" but at 18 months, she just gets confused by the whole thing. I think it upset me more than it did Bmom, who reassured me, "She'll figure it out as she gets older. It's no big deal." And here I was worried her feelings would be hurt!! You've all given me things to think about, especially the boundary issue. I guess I can't just passively wait two or three years, until she gets back, to really make things clear. I need wisdom. I want to continue BIG openness, but also preserve some privacy. Speaking of boundaries, Birth Dad and his new girlfriend were here for a weekend visit (they stayed in a hotel) earlier in the summer. Even though he only wants to visit a few times a year, this is actually tougher, because he is from out of town and therefore it doesn't feel right to only spend a couple of hours together. We wound up spending most of three whole days together. It was fine, but pretty taxing on my privacy-craving self. Our daughter did not warm up to BDad, but liked his girlfriend a lot. Go figure! I felt bad for him. He's having a harder time with this than he ever expected. His girlfriend is expecting a baby, and she has another child from a previous relationship. This new extended family gets more and more complicated, but I'll tell you what: it's all worth it, for the privilege of having our daughter in our lives.

first, i want to say that you are a birth mother's dream -- open minded, compassionate, and clearly doing your best not only for your child but for the birthfamily. when i relinquished my daughter 23 years ago, her parents and i had established all boundries clearly before she was even born. i was prepared for anytime letter and photo contact, but didn't expect to be able to see her again until she was an adult. this was agreed upon because we all wanted to be sure she didn't grow up confused in any way...i do have to say that now i have some regret about this, because these days things are different and there seems to be lots of contact at younger ages and the children seem fine -- but at the time the whole idea of open adoption at all was pretty radical (1985). to my great surprise and delight, they brought her to see me at age one. i think because the adoption had finalized they felt more comfortable and because they are such wonderful people wanted to share their joy with me. i think the first 2 years were the hardest, and for me at 17, having strong boundries in place was very healthy. of course, i longed to see her all the time -- but knowing the rules i didn't get my hopes up and i think it made everyone's roles very clear. surprisingly, my daughter and her family initiated contact of their own accord when she turned 16. i had expected a longer wait, till at least 18 or 21. unfortunately, due to the agency not passing on the information, we did not reunite for 6 years, but just knowing she and they wanted to see me is a great comfort. i am very very happy to learn that you have decided to honor your agreement of the 4x per year. i would have been DEVESTATED had her family changed the initial rules/boundries because i truly only relinquished her so that SHE would have a better life...selfishly, i would have kept her for myself except i loved her so much i knew she deserved more than i could give her at such a young age. knowing she was in a supportive, stable environment with two beautiful parents was invaluable to my healing...and most important to me was knowing she would always grow up knowing she was never unwanted or abandoned in any sense by me, rather, quite the opposite. of course, i was very careful to respect the wishes of her parents because i wanted any influence i had in her life to be completely positive and i trusted their judgement on making those decisions... best of luck to you in building and strengthening your new "extended" family. now that my daughter is 23 and fully grown i have to say that next to the bond i share with her, the bond i share with her mother is closest to my heart -- i am inspired by her compassion, kindness, and strength every day and she is a treasured friend and an important part of my life. i wish the same fairy tale ending for you and your family

Dear DJVJ, Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. And welcome to the forums here at Adoption.com! This is great group of people, representing all three sides of the triad. I hope we'll be seeing a lot of you in the future! PS: I love the photograph you're using as your avatar. Both moms and daughter look so very happy. :)

Dear Praisemom,Thank you for the update. Wow, things change fast sometimes, eh? It is sad she will be so far away. Maybe you will not have to wait a few years though. Somehow, some way she may come home to see her parents or come to a family event, and you can see each other sooner. That is a long time to wait.If nothing else you can really get to know each other through letters, and email and lots of pictures and you tube videos. So when you do see each other again , your girl will know her as her first mom.Keeping a consistent connection is really important if at all possible. I am really happy to hear that you are all working towards that. Congratulations.

I can understand her telling some people certain things and others another, she might still be a little uncomfortable telling people the truth, she might not want to go into having to explain. That's normal. what isn't normal is her still having the opportunity to still be attached to the baby to that degree. i understand that you may want to include her in on some things but you have to be careful with that. there has to be limits to how much she can be involved and that should have been established well before baby arrived. My personal opinion, phone calls should stop, you can keep in touch others ways like email, send her pictures every so often, or if you are comfortable enough YOU can call her with updates so she can feel comfortable knowing her baby is well taken care of. I seriously think it wont get better if you all don't come to some kind of agreement.

Just in case it's still helpful to hear updates about our situation, here I am again. It's good to re-read these posts and to read all of the other stories you've posted. I LOVE this message board!! It is such a comfort and source of good ideas. Our baby girl just turned 3, and birth mom is still living VERY far away. Last year things were fairly good; I would say we had no bumps, which is amazing. Birth mom got married to a great guy, had a little girl last summer, and we continue to have lots of contact (Skype is awesome!). We actually moved closer to her parents (job-related move) and have lots of contact there, though not the holiday-sharing type. We look forward to them returning to this area to live, some day. Birth dad's life is a mess, and we don't hear much from him. He left his girlfriend and her two children (one of them his, a year old) and has a new girlfriend. I think our birthmom "dodged a bullet" when that relationship fell apart. Anyway. I've been eagerly awaiting birth mom's visit this spring, when she is bringing baby home to visit family. We even talked about her staying here for a couple of days. However, we just hit another bump. I actually asked for prayer about the situation on another thread. My knee jerk reaction was not pretty (I wanted to disconnect our Skype call, and severely cut back on all of our contact, kind of an "oh yeah?" pouty thing). :( But I knew that it wasn't right. And reading the response on that thread, and then rereading the responses here, makes things better. I'm taking a deep breath, and glad I didn't react as I FELT LIKE reacting. I'm still figuring this out, but here's what I THINK I'm learning: 1. Birth mom will never "get over it" completely and it's not reasonable or fair to expect her to. I confess, though I would not have said this to her, I think it was in the back of my mind. Shame on me! 2. Birthday anniversaries are going to be toughest of all. Expect this, and be ready to accept it gracefully and with love and patience (I am working on this!). 3. Having another baby doesn't help her move on (as several folks have told me AND her); in fact, it can sharpen the sense of loss she feels as she watches her child grow and thinks about what she missed with the first one. She and I are just discovering this one, ourselves. I think we both hoped it would be otherwise. 4. ESPECIALLY around birth anniversaries, I should not be offended when she says to me, "You're not doing enough," or "I don't think you're grateful," even though I'm going above and beyond what is required and thought I was doing great. I should not pull back when she pushes on the boundaries, especially at this time of year. She's just venting, she's grieving, and the intensity will pass. It's funny, I used to hate and have no understanding for the idea of open adoption (years before I got involved in it) but now I am SOLD on it, bumps and all! However, if I didn't have a place like this to vent, and hear from others how I could maybe handle things differently, or how I may actually be doing things right, it would be tons harder. Some dear person on this thread called me a "birth mother's dream," which is enormously flattering. Thank you. However, I'm too human and flawed to really be anyone's dream, as you can see from the "ugly thoughts" I've shared above. I'm just trying to struggle along and do the best I can, just like all of you. I'm so grateful that we can help each other! Thanks, all.

That sounds fabluous. I know the the first year in an open adoption are so emotionally and trying to be honest and open is the key. As long as you fulfill the agreement you have with your bmom and talk about your feelings you are set! I'm glad things are going better and hopefully your relationship will get stronger in the coming months!

sounds like yr a babysitter and not an adoptive mother.if i was adopting a child i could not have any physical contact. but thats me. pics and videos are fine but may i ask y u chose physical contact??

that question sounds like an excellent new topic theme. MANY of us choose to have physical contact in our OAs. it has nothing to do with us being babysitters vs parents. if you open this discussion to a new thread, you'll get a well rounded answer

well it might take a while i need to learn more about the rules by watching and decide how i will word things before i offend anyone.. thanks.

I would say start another thread. It would be a great thing to discuss for everyone that is new or thinking about open adoption. It's not as scary as many people think. I doubt you would offend anyone by asking, but I could be wrong.

We have total openness in our adoption. I am the adoptive mom and my son just turned 5. It was sometimes hard at the beginning. For the first few months, I did sometimes feel worried that I felt like I was babysitting and it woudn't ever feel like I was a "real mom." Partly that was because we saw our son's birth mom frequently in the first gfew months and her bond with him so clear to me and I worried about the pain she was in. Fast forward 5 years...I wish our son's birthmom could see us more but she has moved on with her life. She told me that she feels peace in her decision. She and her family are completely respectful of our authority as the parents (menaing they don't offer unwanted parenting advice etc). She only lives a few miles away and we talk on the phone or send a text maybe twice a month a month or so but she only sees us every few months. I am the mom, the one who parents and makes all the decisions (with my husband ) about everything concerning our son. His bmom is a close and important person who is in our family and loves him. I hope as our son grows up he will be able to go to his birthmom if he feels he can't tlak to me about something. I would love her to have an important role, not as a mom but as a trusted adult who has his best interests in mind. I kind of think of it like in-laws. Our son has relatives who now are my relatives through this adoption. I know his bmom's parents and grandma, her cousin and her brother and sister. We are all freinds on facebook, They all treat me like family and they are 100% respectful of my role as the mom. So far it has been great and we wouldn't want it any other way. We'll see how things work out as he grows up. There might be challenges and set-backs, or not. but we are all a family, so we will work through it.

Just got the notice about the recent posts, and while I think it's a good idea to start a new thread I wanted to respond to the babysitter comment. I totally get what you're saying; this is a pretty safe place to vent your opinions, so even though I winced a little bit when I read the post, I am not offended! I used to assume adoptive parents in an open adoption would just be glorified babysitters, back in the days when I thought open adoption was a crazy concept. I admit I was even kind of afraid ours would be like, at first after we entered the adoption. But it's not like that at all. It's more like extended family, well-adjusted in-laws or something. Better than that, really. Birthmom and her family (now two kids) are several states away, but we saw them over Christmas when they visited her parents up here. I was really sad that we only got to spend one day with them! She is teaching her kids (1 and 3) to call me Auntie!! You've gotta love that. And the kids warmed right up to us, because we Skype fairly often, once every couple of months. My kids (our five year old girl, and even the big ol' teenagers) all call her Mama (her name). There is no bitterness there, nothing. I feel blessed; birthmom is something between a sister and a daughter and a friend. Hard to describe. Now, that means that sometimes we don't agree with one another; but it's no different than any other friend relationship. There were some uncomfortable moments, but they passed. One, when we referred to bmom's 3-year-old as our daughter's sister. She wanted her to come live with us, too. She also said later that she was sad she wasn't in my tummy, that she was in her birthmom's tummy instead. I told her it didn't matter, but that we get to be together now, and that her birth Mama is always going to be special because of that. She was satisfied. We'll deal with each situation as it comes. Birthdad called a week after our daughter's 5th birthday, while we were out. He left a friend's phone number because his phone is disconnected, and said to call, but when we did he wasn't there and hasn't called back. I think he's even moving on, in his way. I find that I'm sad that his life is a mess, and that our daughter doesn't have that same extended family thing going on with his family. Wow -- I've moved from "I don't know if I can handle this" to "Gee, I wish we could complicate it with more people." In fact, the past five years since our daughter's arrival we've adopted a Grandma from our church (who lived with us for a year and a half), a Grandpa, a couple of uncles and aunts, cousins, and even "siblings" (kids who call me Mom). None of these additions are related by blood, but our family just keeps growing. The more we add, the more complex it gets, and yet the easier it gets. Does that make sense? Open adoption has opened my heart and blessed me and my family. So in conclusion: Scary? Yes. Perfect? No. Bumpy? Yes. Sometimes sad? Yes. Worth it? Definitely yes.

I also have the Growing Family Syndrome which is how I ended up with my DD, after including a young woman into the family who several years later gave birth and, after realizing she did not want to be a mother, asked if we would take her daughter. She was 3 months old (the baby, that is. The mother was 27! ha} She is almost 8 now. I feel like your story is quite similar to mine so, I hope you are still open to sharing! It has been another year since you posted about your journey, I am wondering how things are?

In case anyone is still following this thread, or maybe for people considering open adoption, I thought I would post an update. Our DD is 11-1/2 now. Open adoption still works very well for us, with occasional boundary adjustments. However, there have been no boundary issues at all for quite some time. Our daughter knows she is loved. Birth mom's behavior that I wrote about, waaay back at the beginning, was just a passing phase, a coping mechanism she must have needed to get through the grieving process. She is doing well, now. Thanks again to all of the birth moms who posted so transparently about how you struggled, and then coped. It really helped me to extend grace, and be patient. The result is less trauma, less drama! It's a good, stable relationship now. Not as close or intermingled as I thought it would be, but it's okay, for all sides.Birth mom and family live in the same town, but we very rarely see them. This is not due to any bitterness or difficulty, except the busy-ness of our lives. We text and Facebook often, her kiddos call me Auntie and love to visit (a few times they got off the bus after school and visited, without mom!). Our DD has spent some time alone with their family. However, since DD is pretty much an only child at our house these days (older brothers have moved up and out), she doesn't like all the noise and normal sibling tussles over there, and gets impatient with them. When we visit together, birth mom talks to me more than she does to our little girl, content to let the kids play together. She does hug her and hold her for a while, and I always make a fuss over her other kiddos when this happens, so they don't get jealous. The visits are not very long, but it's good to check in.Last summer we visited her birth dad and his extended family in another state. He is not as connected with our DD. When they are together, he is happy to see her, and kind. I know he regrets not having her in his life all of the time. But it is not his way to stay connected on a regular basis. I actually interact more often with his sisters, via Facebook. They've all been very kind, but not too involved.As for how adoption issues play out in our home, I thought some of you would be happy to hear that she is not threatening to run away, move in with the birth family, etc. One time when she had misbehaved, she did get upset and say, "I bet you wish you'd never adopted me!" But we dealt with that, reassuring her that no matter what she does, we always love her. The drama level is increasing a bit, but I hear from my friends with bio daughters that this is part of the package. Also, I remember my own tween/teen years. :)About those tween/teen years: My three older bio boys each had rebellious and not-so-gracious moments, so I'm not kidding myself that it will be smooth sailing all the way through the teen years. The first time the oldest one said in anger, "I hate you!" I thought the world had come to an end. But by the time the second one hit the same age, I had learned that these kinds of outbursts were not personal, and that they would pass, and I just needed to hold on to God, stand for what is right, love them fiercely, and wait it out. They come back around to loving, eventually. It was so tough at times; still is on occasion. So I figure the issues that come up with DD will have less to do with adoption, and more to do with the age. We'll see. I'll write again in a few years. :) Hope this is helpful for people to read, so that more families will stay the course, and keep the adoption open, with some good healthy boundaries on both sides.