Anti-judgement venting - please help!

I feel for you. I've had a very few problems with a couple of AA women who are---let's say, over 60 or more years old. Most AA people I've met (and know) have had nothing BUT support for our family. (Three babies at home now, all are AA.) But gads, there are a few I wish I'd had the quick-mindedness to actually say what I wanted to! I find that people who feel (and act this way) are so very ignorant---and on the rare occasions this type of thing has happened, I'm left with my mind wide open and thinking, 'Did they actually just say (or do) what I think they did????!!!' I'm sorry this rude, insensitive ignorant person said what she did to your daughter. Now HOW in the world did she think acting this way would be helpful in ANY way???? (Go figure.) Again, I suppose this is one more time when any of us has to explain pure racism to our babies---regardless of the color of skin the person happens to be in, KWIM? What surprises me the most, is that younger AA women/men accept our family more readily, than the very few older women who wouldn't even consider adoption in the first place! (Again....go figure!) Sincerely, Linny

Linny, thank you so much for your support. It came at a time when I really needed it. I am always shocked when racism rears its ugly head.It's true that my two truly negative encounters were with older women who seemed to have their minds made up about me before we even spoke. I get a lot of looks from people - somehow the looks from AA people hurt more. Why should I care less what white people think? I guess it's because when AA people are unkind I assume it's because they don't think I love my children enough, and I would do anything for my kids.My daughter, and now my son, are still upset over this last encounter, which makes them less happy about the color of their skin, and their color is something I've been trying so hard to make sure they're proud of.I am glad that our society seems to be changing (too slowly for my taste), and I do think that interracial families are getting less remarkable, and that families like ours are helping more people to understand that pure love does exist in this world.Thank you again for your support. Peace.

So sorry that your dd was traumatized. The lady was rude, and you need to prepare a reply for the next time that occur. Our children self esteem is very important. Just because she was black does not make her right period. Like any other race as you said there is good and bad. I hope your children will feel better about themselves over time. As a black person, I find that parenting black children in this society is hard period. I hope your children will feel better about themselves over time. I find that it is very challenging with my own sons who are in a predominantly cc environment, and work hard to keep their self esteem up all the time, and not internalize the negativities. My son went through one such traumatizing experience, and I did mucho damage control, now he says he is beautiful all the time. lolIf you have not, I suggest that you expose them to blacks, and others who have more positive inputs. Remain calm during (and after) the interaction. Help your child to work not just in her self- esteem, but the general knowledge that there are folks who are just not nice. I do not get all deep into racism with my younger children, but I let them know that in general, folks will say mean things, and that it is really their issue and problem. Now my son says this one or that one has issues. lol Adoption in general will make folks stand out, especially when it is transracial, and at times we need to educate. Other times we just need to protect our children. Now Linny:"What surprises me the most, is that younger AA women/men accept our family more readily, than the very few older women who wouldn't even consider adoption in the first place! (Again....go figure!)" End of quote.I have to interject here. It is interesting your comments, and basing it on on age levels, is very interesting. Because blacks in general has had no reason but to accept all types of children (blood relative or not) combinations over many many years, due to variances in history,and life circumstances in general. In addition adoption prior to its formality was no biggie in our history as well, since children were just taken in because their parent was dead, or in dire straights. Really a great topic to discuss, I do think that educating about *formal* adoption more so the private route, is needed for the AA community, We need more agencies, and input from the community to spread the word. However, adoption is not foreign to us.

Nick: I didn't mean to imply that adoption might be foreign to the AA population in general. What I meant was that these specific women seemed unhappy with the idea that adoption over birth, would be a first choice option. Maybe it is more that they just didn't approve of a seemingly white middle aged woman having babies that are black? Yet, the college kids, the AA individuals who are under forty, let's say, are by far the more accepting. I'd like to think this is a change in societal views, I don't know. However, it's also true that my babies are seemingly more accepted in this area (college town) because we are involved and seen in many places. (This was true in parenting our first two children as well.....4-H leaders, Girl Scout leaders, Homeschooling leaders, church, etc. Our family was/is quite involved, and plans to be more so as our little ones mature.) Sincerely, Linny

Could be, there will be people where ever who have issues with adopting as opposed to having a biological child. Folks are having interracial marriages, and relationships, if a person like me at 42 (i am still young btw lol) will first think that maybe the spouse is black etc; I have come across different races who have problems with open adoption, adoption in general, fear that the birthmother will come back. I just think the public needs more education about adoption in general. I can also imagine what some would say if we adopted a CC child, there are just a lot of folks out there in general that are ignorant.

Linny, wouldn't we like to believe that this woman would even CONSIDER "helping in any way"???? She didn't care about HELPING!!! She only cared to spout her own ugliness in the presence of young and beautifully pure children. She is ignorant beyond measure and nothing the poster could have said would have changed it. I'm cc, married to an aa man with black adopted children. We are lucky enough to have received nothing but support in our church, among our friends and family, regarding our adoptions (well, my mom questioned my sanity at my age -- 50's -- for our last adoption). But when my husband and I have received looks, stares and GLARES from others regarding our being together as a couple, it always came from OLDER, CAUCASIAN men. I also had a black boss (an attorney) who was very blunt about how some AA women feel when they see a successful black man with a white woman, but I believe she said it in friendship and a bond of understanding between the two of us. Ignorant, racist folks DON'T CARE about making things better for this world. They'd rather cloak themselves in ugliness and live in it. Thankfully, they will DIE in it also and there's not much any of us can do about that (even if we wanted to). DID I SAY THAT????? I agree with NickChris to get your children involved with POSITIVE AA folks who will work with you to provide the accepting and self-esteem building feelings that your children need so badly right now. I am SO SORRY that your children are suffering at the hands of a racist idiot.

This DOES bother me. It bothers me when CC women OR AA women do this...but RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CHILD? Oh my, I'd be a little more than mad...I'd be steaming. Sad thing is I will probably have to prepare Cooper for this kind of invasion...because it might happen. Thank heavens I live in a very diverse area. BLAH People can be so stupid and hateful sometimes. Racism is a nasty thing and sadly every race has its dose of it. ((((((huge hugs))))))) to you. Don't let her make you feel like a bad mommy. Keep going....it will make her stronger...YOU are helping to make her stronger. Even if it's just listening to her. Believe it or not I think it's GOOD when your child feels like they can say things to you like "I hate my skin" because at least they feel like they can talk to you. And you can react.

That could be perhaps the RUDEST thing I have ever heard. I am so sorry that you and (especially) your children had to deal with this. Some people are jerks, pure and simple, and I don't think there is any "sheltering" of kids from all the jerks in the world.

Did you ask the woman how many children she's adopted lately?? Its beyond ignorant that someone would say something like this in front of the kids. One tool you have in your favor though is foresight. You know people are going to act like this and Im sure youve discussed it with your kids. So the next time it happens you dont even acknowledge the person in front of you, you turn to your kids and calmly tell them this is a fine example of what youve been talking to them about. And then show them, by example, that its your choice how to react to people and/or situations like this. We can not control how others behave, only how we react to their behavior. No one 'makes' us feel anything we dont choose to and once your kids realize that they will have strength beyond strength to tackle the bad, hard, and unfair things in life. I also wouldnt tolerate anyone speaking to me like that in a business establishment. I would tell them once to back away from the table, and then I would revert to calling the managment, or security, or just getting up and leaving even if it means leaving dinner behind.

*takes notes* I can't understand why people cannot keep stuff like that to themselves, especially in front of children. They do not understand the circumstances these children have been through and how their words just open more wounds. Who needs to add more suffering to the world? But, luckily things are changing as folks are suitably revolted by things like this.

I've been really fortunate in that area as well. Every black friend I have is super supportive and helpful. And I haven't encountered any horribly negative people. I HAVE gotten some "looks" of disapproval (from older white women)-but nothing major or super offensive. Of course, I live in a very diverse area where adoptive familes, mixed race families and families from nearly every culture on the planet are all living side by side. I think that makes a huge difference. Racism (unfortunately) is still alive and well in this area-but families are changing-and society is changing with it. I think this is excellent advice. But I would add in a voice loud enough for the offender to hear "When someone says something rude or racist, remember the rule about ignoring them and their hurtful comments."