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Wow, I've gotten myself into a bind: I am a 37 yo, very recently divorced w/3 little boys (6,3,&2). I just found out a week ago that I am PREGNANT!!!! The guy I've recently been seeing (he is 41) took me out for my birthday, July 7, and the rest is history....oh well, at least the sex was good.
Problem: I don't want another baby!!! I can't believe my fertility (we used a condom, but it came halfway off resulting in a little spillage at the entrance) I want to hide; make it go away; go back in time...I hated being pregnant w/the other ones, and lets face it, parenting infants and young children is not for the faint of heart! The idea of what I am facing sends me into the deepest dread and regret. I just told him about it a couple of nights ago. He and I get along great and I could see myself with him, but its too early in our relationship to tell. (shoulda waited for sex, but too late now) He was adopted as a baby and is thinking that is the best option. He has a 7 year old from an unwed relationship and he feels strongly that a child should have a 2 parent home. I agree but I am a little more open to a nontraditional family setup than he is.
Let me add that we are both educated with masters degrees (I am a neonatal nurse practitioner) so emotional and financial well being is not an issue. We are both fully capable of caring for a baby, but he & his son live 2 hours away and the thought of doing it alone or even with his part time help, overwhelms me. I don't want adoption to be a "cop-out" just because I don't want to have another child. I need support right now and nobody knows about this but he and I. We are dealing with shock still as I'm only 5 weeks along (3 wks post conception). We both agree that we want to do what is the best for the baby, so I am considering adoption as a possibility because...well, because its not out of the question. I would appreciate any input from birthmothers or anyone else who has a comment.
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centraltx_dad
Have you considered the alternatives to adoption? Number one there is simple parenting the child and number two you could opt for abortion (you are still quite early - maybe about 10wks?). I don't know what your feeling is about abortion but I personally feel like it is the best option. If the stories are really true about the pain and loss adoptees and the birth parents feel later in life then I can't imagine what a horrible thing it is to "give up" your child if you are fully capable of caring for that child. I don't even think religious ideals should fit into the abortion equation in this instance because (to be blunt) giving up for adoption (considering the potential repurcussions to the child and yourself later on) when you are a professional fully capable of parenting the child is seemingly more sinful than aborting. I take this line of reasoning because I imagine the vast majority of people opposed are opposed for religious reasons (personally, I am not). Honestly, wouldn't it be easier to make sure that this potential life-long tragedy can't/won't happen at all if you are not willing to parent? It seems utterly selfish and "sinful" (if I were to pretend to be religious for a moment) to do otherwise.
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centraltx_dad
Have you considered the alternatives to adoption? Number one there is simple parenting the child and number two you could opt for abortion (you are still quite early - maybe about 10wks?). I don't know what your feeling is about abortion but I personally feel like it is the best option. If the stories are really true about the pain and loss adoptees and the birth parents feel later in life then I can't imagine what a horrible thing it is to "give up" your child if you are fully capable of caring for that child. I don't even think religious ideals should fit into the abortion equation in this instance because (to be blunt) giving up for adoption (considering the potential repurcussions to the child and yourself later on) when you are a professional fully capable of parenting the child is seemingly more sinful than aborting. I take this line of reasoning because I imagine the vast majority of people opposed are opposed for religious reasons (personally, I am not). Honestly, wouldn't it be easier to make sure that this potential life-long tragedy can't/won't happen at all if you are not willing to parent? It seems utterly selfish and "sinful" (if I were to pretend to be religious for a moment) to do otherwise.
How about the pain and and loss a person feels after abortion? That is not always the answer. I have talked to mother's who have grieved over the choice of abortion. We thank God everyday that our son's birth mom did not make the choice of abortion. Her choice of life and adoption has blessed us and has answered our long awaited prayers. Seeing the little life being brought into this world is just so precious!! Our son is so happy, healthy, and just so loved...by all the birth parents and adoptive parents-and we would not want it any other way. Together we all sat down and expressed our feelings and emotions. As an adoptive mom and a birth mom we got to know one another and that is extremely important. For us, everything continues to be peaceful and the birth mom assures us always she is at peace knowing her son is so very well taken care of and so very much loved. Coming to these forums helps us understand the views on all sides. I have seen birth mom's regret adoption, but also seen birth mom's feeling adoption is the best choice. Look over all the forums and follow your heart only you will know what is best for you and your baby. I hope and pray whatever your decision, you find the peace you need. Please keep us posted
Okay folks - I have previously asked that we stay away from debating abortion. Abortion and adoption are two very different choices and shouldn't really be compared. This is a support thread - not an abortion debate thread.
So, that being said, if the abortion debate continues I will close this thread.
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srusse24
There is no "easy option" when a pregnancy is unplanned.
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I'm an Amom, so you know my place in the triad. But I'm also a single mom. I know how hard it is, but I also know it can be done and done well.It sounds like you're an incredibly capable person. You're an experienced parent, you have a good job (which makes it a lot easier to manage the household), and you sound like an emotionally thoughtful and steady person who can manage the ups and downs of a houseful of little kids. If you have a pretty good support system around you, single parenting really can work. It takes a lot of energy, and you have to be VERY committed to it. But if you've got your kids as the most important priority in your life, you can do it.I can only imagine what a difficult decision this is. If I can help you out by giving you any ideas about single parenting (or any recipes for the crockpot, ha!), please let me know.
I didn't think I would revisit this site, but it is still in my "favorites" list and I found myself wanting to reread everything...
I am now 31 5/7 weeks. It has been an uncomplicated, although very uncomfortable pregnancy. I did not want to find out what it was so I still don't know if I'm having a boy or a girl.
To update you on my choice, it is to definitely keep the baby. I will not be separated from him or her and I look forward to the joys that he/she will bring. The dad, on the other hand, chose to walk away. I have not talked to him since around Thanksgiving. He decided to, in a sense, 'give the baby up to me'. I don't understand the logic and I think there is some dysfunctionality in his method of coping, but I try not to judge. He said he would call me to see how everything went sometime in April. Even as of Thanksgiving, he had still not told anyone besides that one friend. He copes with things by keeping them hidden so he doesn't have to deal with peoples reactions. He was not really the support I needed cause he was unable to get a handle of it for himself. His attitude never moved beyond 'poor me-I can't deal with this'. Once I recognized that he probably never would since he didn't know how to cope with things in a healthy way, I bid him adieu and good riddance--last thing I need is another dysfunctional man in my life!
I'm doing ok...telling family and friends was so hard! I waited til I was around 14 weeks to tell my family. I told my ex husband and strangely enough, he sometimes acts like he wants it to be his. He is ok now but, boy oh boy, did he give me hell at times! His family has been great, friends and my family have been great. I have everything I need!
Maybe I will revisit after the baby is born---scheduled C-section on March 25th. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely, C.
Thank you so much for the update C. I am sorry to hear the bdad has decided to walk away, but I hope once he sees his child he changes his mind and is willing to play a part in the baby's life.
I'm glad your friends and family have been supportive.
Take care and please come back after you've had the baby.
Best of luck...
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Congratulations - just wanted to post my continued support to you. Your post reminded me of a family I know - I used to coach their son. The mom had a daughter young (like 16) - later she married and had 2 sons with her husband. She and her husband unfortunately divorced when the boys were in grade school. She got pregnant from a guy she was dating. They never got together, and while she was pregnant he said he was going to force a paternity test to prove it wasn't his. Anyhow, the baby was born - it's a little boy. The bio-dad loves him and has totally acknowledged him, and the ex-husband treats him as one of his own. When I coached the younger son, the ex-husband was always still involved in all the kids' lives, even the older daughter that was not his. He apparently has taken that love to the younger son that is also not his. I guess he figures these people (the daughter and son) are his kids' brother and sister, so he treats them as if they are his own. Hope the best works out in your situation for you and all your kids!!