daughter hiding from birthmom during a visit

Sounds like she's mad at her mom.

My son used to 'hide' under the table when he was that age when he was stressed about something. I've read something since about that and he and I talked about it. It gives them a sense of a smaller world and more control. Supposedly.

Mom2, the daughter you are speaking of has been with you since she was 14 months old, correct? Has it always been this way? How long have you had contact (physical) with her bfamily? Is there "tension" between you and birthfamily?Would love to give you some input, but don't feel we have enough details to help!

I think it could be two very opposite things - mad at mom, OR unhappy that mom is leaving and not wanting to say goodbye. Sort of "maybe if I don't let her hug me she can't leave". I think it all comes down to the terrible mixed feelings these poor kids have, and I think it just has to be respected. Hopefully mom is willing to just bend down and say "it's okay honey - you don't have to hug me. I'll see you next week". I wouldn't personally be urging her to hug her mom or whatever - I'd leave it up to her comfort level and let the adults deal with it. Am I mean?

I don't think you should make her hug her mom. We should be able to be physically close with only the people we want to.

Yes, she came to us at 14 months old. Exposed to Meth in the womb, through breastmilk and through her environement(meth labs). Her first several months with us were very difficult. She bonded instantly to me...but in a very insecure type of way. She was afraid of everything especially men but also people she doesn't know well....even those she saw pretty frequently. So it's always been in her personality that she has been a very shy, scared, type of kid. One that would rather be held 24/7 and watch things, like other kids play, sing songs etc and afraid to look at, talk or interact with those she doesn't know. It took a lot of me constantly prompting her to step out of her shell and interact, or talk to other people. So it really wasn't that different with her birthfamily. She would act in the same ways with them. Usually not interacting or anythign unless she was really prompted to...you HAD to do things to break her out of that shell...or she would never leave it...she would just sit there the whole time...clinging to me or just watching things not wanting to be a part of things or be acknowledged. Except it has been different with her birthfamily as she's gotten older...because she has come out of her shell and interacts with others(strangers) etc. But she is still reserved when it comes to her birthmother. Her birthgrandmother she has a much more playful, open, loving relationship with....but there have been many times in the past where she even acted in regressive behaviors with her...acting/talking/ pretending like she was a baby. But she's never really been afraid to approach her or interact with her...and with us being consistant on letting her know those BABY behaviours aren't appropriate she has learned to move past that as well. But with her birthmom it is different. There have been times (mainly when we are alone with her...without grandma around) that she does play and interact with her well. But it usually does take a while for her to warm up to her before that will happen and usually it takes either me or her birthmom actually getting that started...like playing games where she will come over and tickle her or something...before she will actually begin to interact. But even on those good times you could tell that there were points where she felt confused or overwelmed. Or even times where the littlest thing would set her into a fit (but this was common for her as well). But now a days it seems like the birthmom is more distant. She watches from the sidelines because she knows she'll be rejected (especially if the grandma is there...which is almost all our visits) when she does come to say hi or interact or even just to give her a hug my daughter usually resists until like all other times...we can draw her in by physical play (tickling or something like that). So while seeing her hide under the table I think is a new one for us (though she may have done something like that before???) her acting insecure/ confused/ etc is not new at all. We did get her when she was 14 months....and for that first 6 months she only visited with the grandmother...for the next 9 months she'd visit with both...and then the next 3 months she had unsupervised day and then weekend visits....towards the end of the case...we all believed she'd be returned to the birthmom...even though things towards the end seemed to suggest otherwise to me...DHS didn't seem to take notice....until the day of court when we had been told she'd be leaving so we packed up all her stuff (with her help) and then it turned out birthmom did drugs during that last unsupervised weekend visit and her birthmom had to sign away her rights..... but visits had always been difficult for her from that early time....but after her birthmom failed her....it was much more difficult...that's when the anger came in. I hoped by having some contact ...she'd always know and see that her birthmom loves her... however we never expected to have contact this long...because we thought we'd be moving right after her adoption finalized). But we've had contact with them for the last 2 1/2 years on our own...away from DHS.

Sounds like she has some trust issues with mom, and who wouldn't. Might be a good idea to encourage gma to let mom visit solo sometimes to let her get over the issue, whatever it may be. There could be so much going on, I think it would be good to let her interact without gma to get a better idea of what and how serious those issues are. Just my 2 cents

This is where I struggle though.. Part of me thinks that by trying harder...(like adding more visits with JUST birthmom) maybe she would learn to trust her...learn to enjoy playing and interacting with her. Maybe it would help her to work through some of those feelings and become more secure. the other part of me thinks...OMG this is nothing like what we thought/hoped for her for our daughters future. (we had wanted communication to mainly be through letters/pictures) Where our daughter could get to KNOW her birthmom and birthfamily by havign them write stories to her of her past...or their lives, hopes, dreams, etc. Basically havign a chance to KNOW one another and to have those letters preserved for the future so she can always look back to them...and feel like she KNOWS them. But our relationship is exactly what I didn't want. Mainly a relationship where we all get together every now and then and see each other...but there really isn't any real communication going on, and we're all feeling a bit awkward or like there is nothing to really talk about. Yeah we see each other but we don't KNOW each other. Does that make any sense. I guess I'm just at a crossroads....where I'm having a hard time figuring out where to go from here...since our original plan...is certianly not going to happen....(our plan of moving out of state and having our relationship mainly be through written contact). Now that we are liley going to be here for many of her growing years i have to figure out what is best for HER and for our family as far as contact goes. It can't stay the way it is right now....it's either got to get better....which will take A LOT more work (and I'm just exhausted in that department)and contact. Or it's got to slow way down and just become more relaxed. I mean I'd rather have one good visit each year where i felt we were all communicating and catching up....then having several visits a year where it's just so awkward and quiet for everyone. I'd like to continue to try....harder.... I'm just not sure if it's going to be worth it in the end...or say a year or two later I'm going to feel as I do now where I feel like we should have gotten out along time ago. I think the hardest part for me along the way is...that I truly do love these people and I don't want to hurt them by walking away. I'm not talking about cutting them out completely...that was NEVER my intention. I just never knew or expected them to be a constant active part of our lives....indefinately. In my mind...there was an out...we were workign so hard to build this relationship so that when we moved we'd have somethign the grow on...we'd already know and love each other. But we aren't moving....uhhhggg...and the thought of this open of a realtionship (in it's current and past state) just doesn't seem worth it or really in our daughters best interest or our families. I'm so confused....I want it to work(very active very open)...but at the same time...I don't think I can handle that long term... I never even contemplated the idea long term and now I'm faced with it...and I'm so lost.

I think she is "shutting down" when she is overwhelmed.It may be her coping mechanism.JMO

mom, you have worked so hard for this and it sounds as if you are really unhappy with the quality of the situation and seeing your daughter distressed. I tend to agree with lonni. I saw similar behavior with a child I knew who was easily overwhelmed by chaos. By kindergarten age she had learned to go under a table, into a closet, into a corner, etc., by herself. I don't know how it flew in school, but for playgroups, it was a good thing for everybody. On some level, your daughter might connect this woman--her look, sound, touch, maybe even her smell--to feeling scared, threatened, sick. And now she is being told to go play with her, hug her, love her, and relate to her somehow as first "mother"--a concept she is also being learning means the person who keeps you safe and takes care of you. It seems like a tall order for such short stuff. I'd hide under the table, too. Little steps build familiarity. Enough familiarity can eventually become knowledge of each other. Maybe a few sideways and over-the-shoulder activities could help. A board game, a craft, a walk through the neighborhood, making snack/lunch together, a silly game of keep the balloon in the air. Try to get birthmother there by herself--if you talk to birth grandma, she'll probably understand. Finally, I wonder if "trust" in this birthmother is an appropriate goal. Why encourage the child to "trust" her now? Does she need to trust her for some reason? Do you know that birthmother is trustworthy now? I know you've said she has changed, but even if you are absolutely sure, shouldn't the trust, if any, build between them without too much facilitation? And if it doesn't, well, wouldn't that just be part of their relationship to work out or not as she grows? Good wishes for this. I know it is important to your daughter and you.

I can speak from the perspective of someone who didnt' know their parent very well at all. I guess I encourage a resolution to some sort of comfortableness because I know 1st hand the pain of wondering all through the years. I "lost" my father 33yrs ago and I still wonder constantly if he was really the man I have wandering around in my head. Would be nice to know for sure, good, bad or ugly. If you haven't been there, you cannot possibly understand what I am trying to share. I try in my dealings as a Foster Parent to keep the way I myself felt in mind and to be mindful of the needs of the child. Trust may have been the wrong word to use,but . . .I do hope you can reach a resolution for the child's sake. What age of a child are we talking about?

In my original reply I didn't realize you were talking about a child you had already finalized adoption... I thought it was a foster child visiting. I've heard of families continuing contact, but usually it's once a year. They usually pick Christmas to have a chance to bring the child a gift. They stay away from birthdays or any date close to severance because of the emotional tie to those days. Sounds like you have some tough choices to make in your daughter's best interest. It's almost a Pandora's box of issues. You want to keep the door open to communication for the future but the intensity doesn't sound positive for your child or the birth family. My best wishes in your final decision.