conflicting emotions

One thought that quickly comes to mind is that we rarely in life get to pick the 'perfect' moment. I'm encouraged by the fact that your daughter has been sober for a year. As far as holding down a job, well maybe taking responsibility for her child will help her to WANT to do settle down more. It IS a scary thing. I chose adoption, I wish I'd known more about how it was going to affect me. If it's not something that she's interested in, please don't push her. Try to help her to understand what it means to be a good parent. Try to show her what things she needs to think about to make the best life possible for her child. My parents didn't say much about my choice to relinquish but I know now that my mother has a lot of issues around the fact that she didn't keep him in the family. My birthson is the only grandson, I managed to find him and am working on a relationship with him, but I don't know when/if I'll be ready to introduce him to my parents. Try to give your daughter as much emotional support and help as you can. Think back to when you were pregnant and how you would have felt if someone said 'you need to give that child away'. I'm sorry that I can't be super supportive of pushing your daughter into adoption, I lived with 22 years of silence and pain of not knowing about my son. Now I know and it hurts so badly that I've missed those years with him. Please, ask questions, keep us informed, we do want to help!

I have 2 stories to offer... First, my dear son was born to my husband and his high school girlfriend. It was as un-ideal a situation as you can imgaine. But because his parents were willing to step up to the plate with help and support until my hubby could do it on his own, that child is now a fabulous college freshman who makes every single one of us proud and none of us regret a single thing- no matter how many ways it could have been a better situation in the beginning or how much it was not what anyone planned for those first few years. Secondly, my brother-in-law was born to an absent dad (navy-good man, but just gone all the time) and a selfish, immmature, unloving 20-yr old woman who pretty much neglected him in any way possible as he grew. But because he had the rock-solid love and stability of his grandparents (his mom's parents), sometimes living with them for entire summers, he is now a highly successful adult who is a fabulous, fabulous father to his 2 boys and has a respect and a love for his grandparents that no one could shake. My advice is to look beyond what the situation is now (which might entail greiving for the letting go of certain hopes), and even beyond all the ways it is disappointing and scary and could be better, and to think of all the ways in which this child is going to need you and all the ways in which you can contribute to this child's well-being. Secondly, to understand that the best way to be able to be of support to a child is to be of support to his/her parent. It is not what you hoped for or planned, but things rarely are. Do your best to turn your focus to being this child's loving and supportive grandparents by standing with, and not against, his/her mother. Just my opinion. God Bless you as you navigate this.

Rock on Heidi - You always say things so much clearer than I can. Gma - I think you have gotten a lot of uselful perspective here. I hope this is helping.

Thank you all for your responses. You have given us much to think about. I first want to say that we have not/will not push adoption as it clearly causes pain and regret. We have been thinking that because our daughter is unable, at this time in her life, to provide a stable home for her baby, that adoption could be in the best interest of her child.

I was 50 when my 20-year-old daughter became a single mother. I also urged adoption because I believed that my grandchild deserved a stable two-parent family who is young enough to parent.While she was drug-free during the pregnancy, she relapsed almost immediately afterward. I tried to be "supportive". I bought her a house and paid all bills for the first two years. She and the father were into and out of drugs and jails for the next three years. They never bothered to get jobs, but always had money through drug sales and connections. It is now three years later. I had to take early retirement to raise my grandson. The court gave my permanent custody with no visitation for the parents.Since I was living in a "retirement subdivision" with no children, I was forced to move.I love my grandson. He is a good, intelligent, healthy child. But I don't think this is the best situation for him. I have health issues and can't play chase or push him in swings. Our money is limited so I cannot pay for daycamps. He plays soccer at church and plays with friends there. I wish I could get him involved in scouts, karate, little league, etc. but those are expensive and require parent involvement that I can't do. I also worry that I won't be able to see him through to adulthood and he might have to go and live with distant relatives that he doesn't know well.As much as I love him, I do think my daughter and his father were selfish in refusing to place for adoption. They have limited his life and changed my life and haven't changed their lifestyles at all!

ReluctantGrma - I've got to say - ditch the "best interest" line. In my opinion, "in the best interest of the child" is the phrase people use to sleep at night after they force someone to place their child. It is not in the "best interest" to make the child question why he was not good enough for his mom to keep him. My 18 year old son has issues with that.

Joshsmom, I understand what you mean and I don't want that either. My own mother was a 22 year old single parent 52 years ago. The difference between my daughter and my mother is addiction. My mother was willing and able to work. The angst we are feel is coming from my daughter (and the baby's father) not "stepping up to the plate".

I read your post and I know this must be extremely hard for you. I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful 2 year old boy who we have had since birth. For us it was extremely important that the birth mom would be at peace with us and her choice of adoption. She told me it was so hard at first, but she is now so at peace because she knows her son is just so very much loved-and she told us she could not have picked more perfect parents!! For us, that means the world. Our son's birth mom has blessed us, and has answered our long awaited prayers. Please, just don't push the issue so much. You never know once the baby is born, hopefully your daughter will want only to do the best for her baby. A child is such a little miracle, and truly a blessing!! For now, just stand by your daughter...give her some time. - While I can imagine your concern one about responsibility and for that matter a job- hopefully things will fall into place. The best you can do is be there, and if need be protect that little angel. You just never know how things turn out- Keep us posted...

Not every child of adoption has those issues. And I do not agree that "in the best interest of the child" is simply a phrase to help people sleep at night. Maybe not in your case, but in some, it truly is in the best interest of the child to be raised by a family other than the child's biological one. To the orginal poster, I do think you have your daughter and the child's best interest in mind. While it is wonderful that you are offering her possible options, it is ultimately her decision. If she places her child reluctantly, she may regret it later and place blame on you.

I agree 100% with Srusse24 for some children it is in the best interest to be raised by someone else. Clearly this mom is concerned for her daughter and for that little angel which she has every right to be. The concerns she poses are good ones. Concerns of her daughter not having a job, or being in recovery for one year- Not saying your daughter cannot change for the better. Taking the step and being in recovery is just the best thing for her right now, hopefully everything else will fall into place..

I agree with you ((StacyKelly)). In some cases, it is best for the children.....as well as the bmom. My dd bmom says, it was the best choice she made, now 6 years into our open adoption. Things are working out for her and life is better then ever for her. We continue to grow close and become friends. We feel our daughter has the best of both worlds. Her bmom is parenting an older son. Our daughter during her first year in school was diagnosed with ADHD. This requireis constant care, doctors appointments, behavioral modification, help with homework for up to 3 hours a night. Dd bmom is a single working mom and already supporting one son and not having a good paying job, knows she could not meet any of the needs her daughter will require. It reinforces in her, that her decision many years ago, was the right one for the child. Really good news is that for the first time in dd bmom life, she bought her first car. Had good credit and now has a nice place to live.

Only the adoptee can eventually decide. If the child is kept then only the kept child can eventually decide, not any of us. Grandmom- you just have to guess what is best. We are nearly 50 and will raise any potential grandchildren if needed.always-until we are physically unable. Both of my adult children are quite successful and would probably never need me to, but one can never count out that possibility.I hope you get to let her stay in your family.;~))

Exactly! Butt out! Your job is to be your daughter's mother and to support her in her decision for HER child. It is up to her to decide what is "best for her child". After she makes that decision, it is up to you to decide how to best support her. Sorry :o - that sounds harsh but I have been there with my daughter. After I few weeks of interferring, I backed off realizing that her child's future was her responsibility - not mine. Happy G'Ma

reluctantgrma I doubt whether you and your family are going to give up on your daughter because she has made some wrong decisions - and I don't really think you should ask her to give up on her daughter either. For what it is worth - parenthood is sometimes the makings of a young woman. Where before she was living for the moment, now she has a great reason to clean up her act and build a good life for her daughter. I would urge you to give her the support she needs as she has shown she is wiling to change her lifestyle and make good decisions (trade workshop) to work on a better future for herself and the child. Ann

reluctantgrma. There is a very interesting and powerful blog you may like to read...birthparents.adoption.com...type in search.Forgive your parents. I only came across it tonite so seemed relevant.I have also posted a comment.Susie