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It's probably a little late for me to start a thread on my adoption and reunion, but I need help in finding literature or anything to help my husband understand my reunion process with my birth father. I am 31 and just a little over a month ago, I found and spoke with my birth father over the phone. I met him 3 days after speaking with him the first time. I met him and his wife in a public place and then had lunch with them at their home. They are wonderful people and are so happy that I found them. (I've had some contact with my birth mother, but not much). Anyway, my birth father was told over and over by my birth mother that I was not his child. He said if he would've known the truth, the adoption would've never taken place. That's all beside the point now. Over the past month, we have talked on the phone every day and have gotten to know each other very well. We both want a relationship and we are building an amazing one. This past weekend, I went back to his house to spend Saturday and Sunday night. My husband was able to join us on Sunday. My birth father and I, since meeting the first time, could hardly wait to see each other again and we were both to the point to where we just wanted to sit down side by side, hang on to each other and talk for a while. We both had the need to be close to each other and give many, many hugs. I've been telling my husband all along the emotions I've been feeling as well as how the relationship is progressing and I really don't think he's listened to a word I said. He was happy to meet my birth father and his wife, but he said it completely freaked him out and he thought it was going way too fast and wants me to slow down drastically. I don't think at this point there's any way I can slow down. Neither me nor my birth father want to slow down at all. We are both so very happy to have each other now and we are trying to catch up on the years we missed. We live 6 hours away from each other, so I'm thinking that may help because we will only see each other every 2-3 months or so. I've been looking online for books that help spouses of adoptees who are going through the reunion process. I want him to understand and support me because he doesn't right now. I want to do whatever I can to help him understand. I don't want my relationship with my birth father to cause a strain on my marriage - at all. Does anyone have any advice?
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Joy41076
.... He was happy to meet my birth father and his wife, but he said it completely freaked him out and he thought it was going way too fast and wants me to slow down drastically. ...... I want him to understand and support me because he doesn't right now. I want to do whatever I can to help him understand. I don't want my relationship with my birth father to cause a strain on my marriage - at all. Does anyone have any advice?
richardcp is right :) I experienced a similar rush of emotions and an incredibly intense reunion with my birthmother. Two years later, it is STILL like that. Even though we have had our ups, downs, insecurities, minor arguments (always resolved painlessly), we still are outwardly physically affectionate towards each other and often sit up all night talking when we visit (every few months because of the distance). Both of our husbands were really puzzled by our behavior and my husband and I started arguing a lot. Even though our arguments didn't have anything to do with the subject, I realized I was constantly talking about my birth mother around him and was totally consumed by her when she would visit. He was my spouse...I wanted to share everything with him! Unfortunately, I think it made him feel pushed out. I made a deliberate effort to curb the conversations about my birthfamily (of course, I still talk about them on occasion but no more than I discuss other friends/family) and have done little things to make sure my husband knows he is still is as important to me as he ever was. It has worked like a charm. Now when my birth mother comes to visit, he is more than happy to let me traipse off and spend all kinds of time with her - because he knows he will get HIS time too.
I am a reunited adoptee with 8 bsibs who keep me very busy with emails, phone calls etc. (We live across the country from them.) Reunion is a very intense time and I am so happy for you! It does tend to be all consuming in the beginning. My husband was very excited for me and really likes all of my siblings but it is important to have some time together without talking about the reunion etc. (Difficult I know. Even after 6 years there is not much I'd rather talk about than my reunion!)
It is hard for anyone to understand what an exciting, very, very special life altering event reunion is. Even though our husbands are our best friends it is hard for them to understand too. Things do calm down and become more "normal" in reunion over time but until it does, can you do some special things with your husband? Reassure him that he is still number 1 in your life? Once he realizes that, he may even find a lot of common ground with your bdad and enjoy being with him nearly as much as you do.
Snuffie
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