age-out and tricky situation - please help

Since I really don't have much information to help you, but someone else might, my suggestion is to cross post this in another area of the foster board where you might get more responses. Try posting to foster parent support - even though the title may not sound like it fits. The only other things I can think of is whether or not your g/f has started independent living training. She needs to complete that before leaving FC, in preparation on being on her own. Also, you said she wnats to leave to go live with her (older?) sister. How old is the older sister? Can the older sister become certified in foster care so maybe she can take her? Where is the bro that ran away? Im sorry this seems like a really difficult situation...

You haven't seen her since Christmas? Have you had any communication with her at all? I ask because I think that first of all, it's important to make sure your relationship with her is on a good footing.I would recommend that your girlfriend ask to see her Guardian ad Litem. If she doesn't have one, she needs to send a letter to her social worker requesting one, and if there's no action, go to the next court hearing on her case and request one directly from the judge. The GAL acts as her attorney, and can help her ask the court for whatever services and protections she needs.I think that however strict or unemotional her foster mom is, your girlfriend needs to gut it out and finish high school. Without a HS diploma, she's condemned to a life of poverty and struggle. Please do NOT encourage her to run off and leave high school---you are not helping her if you do that, you're damaging her!On the topic of strict, though: have you thought that maybe the Fmother is doing what she believes is right to help your girlfriend? It could be that the problem is in your gf's perception, not the Fmom's behavior. I think all 18 year olds complain about "strict" parents, if the parents are doing the parenting job!I also agree with the previous poster who suggested having the older sister become licensed as a kinship care provider through DSS. This could give all the kids access to money and services while having them live with a family member.Good luck!

Haha, no the relationship is great. She got a cell phone recently, so I get to talk to her every few days, but before it could be weeks at a time before her foster mom let her call me. Its just for some reason, she doesn't trust me being around my gf. I don't know why or what that means. She will be finishing highschool regardless, and I would never dream of persuading her against it. So few of her family has, and that's why she feels so strongly about going to college to. I figured it would be easy enough for her to transfer wherever she ends up. About the foster mom, I've been trying to figure that out myself. Does she care, or is she just covering her own rear? She does have older kids of her own, but is also divorced, and the fact that she always wants three foster kids and so is adamant about keeping me away makes me suspicious. I can't see any reason for pushing me away when I've never encouraged my GF towards anything destructive, and she must see how depressed my absence makes her. There have been a lot of big FC related scandals in Ohio recently, so maybe she sees me as a threat for some reason. I have been trying to get the younger foster kids opinions, to see what they think about everything. The brother that ran off was 14 and I don't think they've heard from him since. The older sister is either 21 or close, but I didn't think they'd give her custody until she was married. I've never heard of the Guardian ad Litem, but I shall have to look into that. Thanks.

She has a court appointed lawyer. She should talk with her lawyer to see what her options are.

Havens... how old are you?

Yes, her sister could become a resource for her - of course, as long as the sister has a place she's living, income, etc. She doesn't have to be married in order to become a resource for your g/f. Have the sister contact the local DSS office or any agencies that certify in foster care. She might have to do all the stuff a foster family needs to do to become certified (I know some states where family just has to pass a homestudy and other states where the family must become completed certified in fostercare). Have her sister look into whats required. Definitely call the GAL and see if you can encourage them to take your g/f's desires seriously. Good luck and keep us posted!

That makes me suspicious, too. Anyone your g/f contacts for assistance is going to want to hear all sides of the story.

I actually got to talk to my GF yesterday, and I feel much more comfortable with the whole situation. I told her all the stuff I've learned here, and I think she feels better as well. She does have a lawyer too, but has only met her once, so she will be looking into that further. Apparently things aren't as bad there as I thought, her foster mom has just been in a terrible mood lately (car trouble among numerous other things) and I guess she just didn't want to deal with me at all. I'm still suspicios, but my GF expects things to settle and is hopeful that I'll be able to come see her again soon. She has also decided to stay there at least until she graduates, or can't stand it. She's supposed to be getting a car soon too, so I would hope she could drive herself down to see me. The situation still sucks, but we both feel a bit better now and not completely helpless. And if nothing else, I think if we can make it through all this nasty stuff, there's not a whole lot worse life can throw at us. I'm 21. We're a little more than 3 years apart, but since we both act beyond our years its never been an issue (and perfectly legal in OH). She's actually more mature than just about all of the college bimbos I've met, and that's one of the things I like most about her. It's a shame of what people have to go through, to grow up quickly like that though.

Hi Haven....let me get right to the point....all she has to do is once she turns 18 make a letter stating she wants to leave foster care sign it make copies and set up a meeting with her caseworker, ACS worker and their supervisors and hand them the letter tell them what she has planned and they can't stop her...she is considered an adult once she turns 18 and they have no authority over her....or she can do as I did.....I just made up a letter copied it hand it to my caseworker the original copy signed and dated and walked out the door and never looked back since....if they say that isn't possible they are lying....I'm not the only one that did it....its called signing out of foster care. P.S Make sure she has a positive plan after leaving.....she shouldn't proof them right by messing up...because thats exactly what they would think once she walks out that door.

former foster child is Absolutley right ! they just need written proof she wants to leave the system. I would make sure she does have a plan in mind for supporting herself and where she's going to live though, before she takes that final step !

Havens, I'm glad to hear things are doing better now. I watched a DVD from the library last year about 'aging out of foster care' and the documentary followed 4 young people through the process. What I took away from the movie was that the longer a person can stay in the programs, no matter how aggravating the day-to-day rules are (and most of the young people in the movie were VERY frustrated by the house rules of whichever home they were in), the better they did when they finally launched. Also it was obvious that drug use destroyed their futures, it was painful to watch how some of their lives developed (disintegrated). For your gf's sake, I hope you can encourage her to stay in care as long as she can, and take advantage of any additional programs that might be available. It is a myth that we are ready to be totally on our own at 18 yrs old, that is not the norm, most young people need financial parental assistance well into their 20s (frequently into the 30s), especially if they go to college. The 'agenda' of the DVD was to show that young people aging out of foster care at 18 yrs old need several years of transitional programs that can fill in as the safety net that other young people get from their families. It probably is very hard for your gf to have to live with a new parent, especially one that doesn't have a bond developed over the years. But it is also hard for the fostermom to have a new teenager kid. Foster care is not easy. A lot of the kids come into foster care from situations where they had no rules (or crazy rules) and frequently the young people have no trust in adults (for good reasons), as well as having 'issues' from all the bad stuff that has happened to them in their past. It is also hard for the system to find adults who are willing to foster teenagers. So although the foster mother may need to keep three foster kids to support the household expenses, it is most likely the third spot was quickly filled because there are lots of teens and not enough foster homes for that age group. Your gf is very lucky to not have to live in a residential group facility with really messed up teens. I had a foster child (elementary age, I don't take teenagers) who had a couple teenage sisters, and it was rough for the older girls, one went to a relative that turned out to be a bad situation too, and the other went into a children's home that was virtually a prison (tho she seemed to like it and refused to agree to go live with her father instead).