Do you as an adopting parent...

I rememember from an earlier post of yours that you had (have) a rough and heartbreaking experience. But in answer to your questions: Mine aren't old enough to really ask about their roots, but do ask where they got certain physical traits. We have pictures of their birthfamilies that we look at, and together discuss what we see. (On St Patrick's Day both think it's cool that they are Irish, and wear the "Kiss me I'm Irish" buttons.) I know some people aren't going to like or agree with this, but I firmly believe that our geneology/ancestry is theirs. They were adopted into our family, and so this IS their real, forever family. So when my daughter says "I am a real cowgirl - because my Grandaddy is a real cowboy!" I will agree with her. When she wants to know stories of her great-great grandaddy, the outlaw, it is HER great-great grandaddy, not just MY great grandad. When we tell stories of courage or faith in our family history, she correctly believes she has inherited those traits. This is HER family, 100%. She didn't inherit the physical traits, but the rest are her real roots. The difference is, that she also has another family tree, one that made her who she is physically. (When I say physically, I also mean the natural mental, intellectual, and emotional characteristics that she has by virtue of her physical parentage.) That is also obviously a huge part of her. So in order for her to understand and love herself, I think she has to understand where she comes from, and have a love and respect for her birthparents. You've read some of my situation, and know that my children's adoptions are mostly closed, but we do exchange pictures and letters. I keep all identifying information that we have in a file for them. I believe it is THEIR information, not mine. If and when they want to meet them in person, I will help them, providing that I get to hug them, too! Chances are, there won't be much of a search, since I hope we will at least stay in touch. It will be more of figuring out when is good and when they are ready for that in their lives. As for your other question - I never had any open agreement, except for pictures and letters for the first 2 years, and have continued beyond that. I have no plans to open it up further, but then again, I had no plans to visit in person a couple of years down the road, and we have with each of them. So I can never say never. I also never planned to love their birthfamilies as deeply as I do. I feel lucky to have a whole other family that I know are thinking of us and praying for us. It makes me want to be a better mom.

Thanks for the reply. Although I disagree with the "100%" part because of the "physical and intelectual traits" part of the birth family etc, she is part of a "real family". I've always believed that in spite of the bloodline issue. I also believe that how a child is raised by the parents is what they become. My daughter as you've read had parents who abused her and she turned out to be a very unstable person unable to function in society. I had nothing to do with that except for the decision to give her up and not knowing more about these people. But the "real family" I agree because of my own situation with my husband. We've been married for 19 years now and my children pretty much grew up with him. My youngest daughter and son were very young when I met my husband and he's been there for them in every way that he could be through all the sickness and injuries, all the joy and all the other stuff when their own dads wouldn't be. My youngest daughter considers my husband her "dad" and even intruduces him that way leaving the "step" part off. All of my kids feel this kind of bond to my husband to one degree or another. My oldest son has a relationship with his dad but the other two don't by their own choices due to the way their dads treat them. My husband jokes sometimes (I think he's serious) that my kids look like him and the grandkids do too. I don't see it but they say after so many years a couple starts looking like each other so I guess if we look alike and my kids look like me, then I guess they do look like him too. lol So I do agree about the "real family" thing just not the ""100%" thing. I'm glad that you have the genealogy thing for your child but I'm wondering why you'd wanted a closed adoption (for the most part) when you adopted. Just curious about LDS families and how they think. I'd kind of like to understand the thinking behind people who close the adoption even when it's open in the beginning. I have my "opinions" about why but would rather hear it than put my own "reasons" in the blank spaces. I know that most if not all the girl who went into an open adoption willingly did it because she wanted to know her child and not because she wanted to give it up. I'm pretty sure most girls who give their babies up don't want to do it but were only given the minimal choices and making adoption the "really loving mother" choice. I've read too many posts on adoption boards that reflect that feeling. Even in the LDSFS they don't give all the "truth" to the girl about how the adoptions can be closed for no reason at all by the aparents sometime down the road. If they did I doubt the girls would give their babies up but would find another way if they can to keep the baby. When I asked the lady who handle my adoption of my daughter why she or someone hadn't given me all the other options that would have helped me find a way to keep my baby her response was, "It's not our responsibility to tell you of other options. You came to us for help by request of your bishop. If you wanted to keep your baby (which she knew I had all along) then your parents should have looked into that for you." Anyway... I'll stop at that. I'm just having so many issues these days and not sure why it's coming up again so strongly. I have so many heartaches over the adoption and the reunion and how it went and how the amom stopped my daughter and I from being able to have a relationship and how much it hurt when my grandchildren were also taken out of my life again after being able to see them for a few years and even being at the birth of my first grandchild and seeing my second and then just having them ripped out of my life. It was like going through the adoption all over again only taking 3 precious lives out of my life again instead of just 1, over jealousy and hate of me by the amom. :hissy: I hope this pain goes away someday. It has affected my entire life negatively for so many years I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Rylee :(

Because I am the granddaughter of TWO adoptees. And I am currently doing geneology research. And guess who on? My adoptive great-grandparents. THAT is who raised my grandparents, THAT's whose antique watch I have and THAT is who interests me. I totally and completely believe that these people -- tho not genetically related to me -- are where my geneology comes from. (Despite the fact that a 100% German man and a 100% Irish woman raised my 100% Italian grandfather...LOL.) I give my son my geneology as part of his own. Yes, he's German and Polish, but he's also Irish, Italian, Canadian, Welsh, Scottish and Native American. In short, he's like me -- an American MUTT! Robin

There's nothing wrong with that if that's how you feel. My husband's grandfather was adopted but his family never accepted the adoptive side of the family because they weren't blood related. So, they've gone into the genealogy for the bloodline. They have no idea who the rest of that family outside the immediate family who raised his grandfather. There were 12 kids in that family group but the grandfather was the adopted child. I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel as you do about the genealogy. By the way, I'm also an "American Mutt" lol I refer to us though as the "Heinz 57". My mother's side of the family has everything you can imagine in it. My dad has Sweedish and Danish lines. That's it. I wonder if that's why I'm such a stubborn person sometimes. lol Rylee

My daughter is 9 and was in foster care from the age of 3 to 8 years old. She remembers her birthmom and stepgrandfather. She was terribly hurt and says now that she has no desire to search. I feel that someday, she will. Will I help her? Yes, I will. I do want her to be old enough to deal with what she may find and I hope that we can still be in therapy for help with the issues. I will follow her lead.

I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter was so hurt. I know it must have crushed her and she probably feels more hurt maybe not knowing why her mom gave her away or had her taken from her. I hope if she ever does have the desire to meet her mom again if for not other reason than to ask her what happened and why she was in foster care and had to be adopted, that she will. I think she's probably too young to know what she wants right now. She's pretty young. I look at my grandson who is almost 8 and a Nephew who is 9 and neither of them are mature enough to do a lot of things. They are smart and that sort of thing, but the maturity level to make certain decisions just isn't there. I'm glad to know that you'd help your daughter find her bmom and I'm sure that keeping your daughter in counseling is a good idea. I know it can help children to understand why things happen and help them deal with issues in their lives. One of my brother's step-kids were in foster care from the time he was born but his mom got him back when he was 3 and he was really messed up by that time so was his sister who was 3 at the time she was taken from her mom. My sister in law was accused of doing some things she hadn't been doing. She was associated with drug dealers and addicts (her mom and her mom's friends) and because she was visiting with her mom when a raid happened, and everyone there taken to jail, she lost her kids. She had to prove she wasn't a drug dealer or addict but for some reason it took a long time to get that proof and actually be believed before her kids were given back. They were on the verge of adoption because she couldn't prove she wasn't doing what they said she was. All because she was in the company of people who did at the wrong time. She didn't do drugs and they didn't find any in her system but still didn't give a care about that. There are a lot of people who are accused falsely of things and sent to jail or lose their kids and have a hard time especially if they don't have a lot of money to work with and end up with appointed attorneys. It's sad that happens but it does. Do you know the circumstance of your daughter being put in foster care and then adopted? Just curious. Rylee

Yes, I do know the circumstances. It is all well documented. The bmom lost 5 children over a period of years. Two were positive for drugs at birth and one has permanent brain damage from the abuse suffered while in her care. The bmom was in and out of rehab during this year time span. She was positive for drugs at times, it goes on and on. I do think she loves her kids as much as she can. She would often leave the kids with people for long periods of time when she did have them. When they were removed from her care the last time they were starving and my daughter was left alone for a few days with her handicapped older brother. So I do see that someday my daughter will want to meet her. I'm sure she will have questions. Somehow, my daughter is bright, has a high IQ and, although she has her issues, is pretty well adjusted. It is a miracle that she survived all she did.**I wanted to add that I know that even though all of the bad things that happened, my daughter loves her bmom. I remind her that it is OK to love her and even be mad at the same time. I don't share my personal "How could she have done that?" feeling. I won't share that. Funny, my birthday is the same as her bmom. I'm (sadly) 10 years older. When I found that out I felt it was more than ever meant to be for me to be her Mom. It is a way for her not to forget her.

Wow, in that circumstance she definitely needed to be removed from her mother's care. Did all the other kids get adopted or are they still in foster care? Just curious. In these situations I believe that adoption is the best. I think that people who can love these kids and deal on a daily basis the "issues" that suround them, that the kids will be better off. Those kinds of adoptions I understand and are whole heartedly for it. I am just against the infant adoption because a girl gets pregnant and is told she isn't good enough to be a mother and to give the baby to someone better. That's the part I don't agree with. Rylee

I am sort of butting in here (not LDS, but interested in all posts) and pushy enough not to keep my mouth shut. Everyone touched by adoption knows that there are two sides to it: joy and happiness on the part of the adoptive family and heartache, pain and loss on the part of the birth family. In my mind I'm comparing this like the process of grafting, in agriculture. A small branch is cut from one tree and grafted onto another. The cut branch bonds to the tree it was grafted onto and becomes a part of it. In the process the branch injects it's properties into the tree. The result are maybe sweeter more plentiful fruit or flowers or maybe a stronger tree. Adopted children are removed (cut) from their original family and bonded to their new families, in essence grafted into the new family tree, which they will enrich with their own gifts and traits. They grow up shaped by values, traditions and personalities of their new families, yet will retain their own traits. (I hope that made sense... ) On a lighter side, we've come to the conclusion that genes are passed via kisses.

All of the kids have different fathers, the oldest is with his paternal grandparents, one is with a dad, two have been adopted thru foster care and one is in a therapeutic foster home. As with foster care, infant adoption is unique to it's own situation. All adoptions are built on loss. I find that sad and hope that anyone who does adopt can realize that. I find it a hard line to walk to try to make my daughter feel 100% a part of our family yet still remind her it is OK to love her bfamily. To not make her feel different for being adopted yet to not try to make her forget that she is. Do you know what I mean? I don't want to treat her differently but I don't want her to think that she can't express her feelings. I can't even put into words what I am thinking. I don't want to dwell in the past but we can't pretend that it doesn't exist. I'm sorry you have been hurt with your experience with adoption.

All 3 of my adoptions are open/semi open. We have phone, email & mail contact but no visits. My kids haven't asked about seeking out their roots because they can call their bmoms anytime they want.

Wow, that's quite a thing with where all the kids are. I sure hope they will find peace in the future regarding their bmom. I do understand your feelings about your daughter and not wanting her to forget who she is. I bet sometimes you feel you are walking on egg shells though. But I think you have a great idea. As for the "grafting" I do understand what you're saying but not all adopted kids come out stronger or better people for being adopted. My daughter came out very insecure, unable to deal with life, drug addict, alcoholic, and very destructive. She's got a lot of good traits too but a lot of very sad things as part of her upbringing. I really could have been a better mother than her amom was and is now. With the 3 adoptions that you have that are open/semi open, is there any reason you don't have personal visits with the bmoms? Just curious since you allow them to call her and stuff. Rylee

My two youngest ones have the same birthmom and we live on the other side of the country from her. We did try to visit her when we went to pick up our youngest but she didn't want to see us, it was too hard on her. We have just recently started phone calls with our oldest dd's bmom and are working towards meeting with her at some point, I would guess in the next few months.

My dd was adopted thru a private placement...She is 6 now and her roots aren't really a concern. because she was placed at age 3.5 she has the unique advantage of knowing life with her bfam as well as life with us. Right now she isn't concerned either way. As with most kids (especially the well-adjusted and secure ones) the immediate present is all that matters to them. We have identifying info and the bfam has our id info, so by nature that is an OPEN adoption. However the bmom only emails us sporadically, and eventually abandoned her 3 other kids and husband. She has since given birth again...her first daughter since my dd. And she stated in the beginning that talking on the phone would just be too hard for a while. I hope with all my heart for the bmom to heal emotionally (raised in foster care herself) enough to be present and included in all our family functions....as it stands now, She simply doesn't have the emotional tools for a REAL, HONEST person-to-person type relationship....let alone with our dd....so until I have that kind of relationship with her, she won't feel comfortable with my dd that way. I am LDs by the way...and initially planned on having a fully closed adoption.....until I educated myself on these forums and actually met with bfam's that had all types of circumstances. I see the bfam as another set of in-laws....when I do my fam history, I consider my DH's genmeology as my own...and I feel the same way about my dd. She will have a third line to trace and claim. She has *2* families, just as I have *2* families...one is mine by blood, the other is mine by law (marriage). One is not more important to me than the other, and both moms do the "mom job" for me. I think that in my experience here on the forums, I have seen a trend. The bfam's who were coerced and shamed in to placing their children, and weren't educated/informed about all their options and who always regretted it....their kids actually had the same negative experience with being adopted.... The bmoms who didn't want to be a parent and were secure in their decisions, had bchildren who were secure with being adopted.... Kinda as if some placements were mistakes and turned out poorly. Obviously this isn't ALWAYS the case...but there seems to be a trend. And I disagree with the pain never going away. I personally know some bmoms, who regret having to be in that position in the first place....but would NEVER in a million years change anything. They are content with the choice they made and really don't have "pain" per se. ....they wonder sometimes what their child is doing at that moment, or they are involved and don't wonder because they know....and they acknowledge the emotional decision was hard...but these bmoms are truly at peace with their decisions....one in a closed, one in an open, and one in *2* open adoptions. All of them are VERY VERY VERY close intimate friends of mine, and all of them went in to it at an older (18 and up) age with full knowledge of what they were doing and what their options were. ANd that really is the key....knowing what lies ahead in either choice. I personally have turned down matches because it was clear that the bmom really did WANT to be a parent. And For me, the ONLY reason to place for adoption is the safety of the child or unwilling to parent that child. I struggle with the decision to adopt again, because I really don't want "to take someone's baby"....and I think too many bmoms out there are still placing out of an obligation to "do right by the child" when the child would really not be in any harm to remain with the bmom. I have adopted an older, special needs child already...so this time I would really like an infant....and as much as I want to adopt out of foster care, you just don't really get an infant that way. I hope something I've rambled on about has made sense to you...It's just a jumble of my thoughts and feelings...completely personal, not speaking for anyone else. PS....The 100% comment made by another poster I think was misinterpruted, I think you took it as 100% of her heritage comes from afam...and she meant it as 100% of afam's heritage belongs to the dd....not just the parts she gaines by being in that immediatefamily (nurture) but that she is entitled to ALL parts of the afam heritage.