question for bdad's

Bigbertha... please, please know you are free to question and vent all you want. I came back to this thread to tell you that as I thought I may have unintentionally made you feel you couldn't do that. I feel for you and this situation and just wanted to help give you possible answers,not make you feel as if you were wrong, or that you had no right to question why the post is still there. You certainly do have every right to question all you want!I think most people searching or still hoping for a reunion leave the information so if the other party has a change of heart they know where to look. People get angry, toss out addresses, lose things in moves etc... The bmom probably wants her daughter to see that she never gave up on her. I know it's way to soon for you to consider this, but as you've seen, secrets have a way of getting out. Once your husband calms down (and you), you may want to consider leveling with your kids before they discover it on their own. Of course, only you can make that decision for your family... and I know you have their best interest at heart. Even if bmom takes the info down, if the bdaughter ever decides to search, it wouldn't be hard for her to find her siblings on her own. I'm sure you've noticed that many adoptee desire a relationship with their bsiblings.If it makes you feel any better, I'm an adoptee, and even though I do know my bfamily's identity, I haven't made contact. Bless you. I admire the way you're handling things. I truly do.

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Bigbertha, I am a birthmom from a closed adoption almost 30 years ago. Life was very different then. I know that the birthfather in my situation wanted nothing to do with anything. In fact because he took almost three months after her birth to sign the legal papers, she was in foster care for that time instead of being with her parents. He didn't ask to be involved, but because I named him (I was young, scared, and was not about to lie to my family about anything else) he had to be involved even just to sign papers.

When I first looking at different forums, I couldn't believe all the personal information people posted about themselves and others involved in each situation. I know that is not how I want my child to find out about me or her biofather. When she did make contact (through the agency where she was placed), there were several letters passed between us and then she asked that question I knew was coming but never wanted to really hear. "What can you tell me about my biofather?" I haven't told her anything yet as I believe that this is something that I want to do in person. I believe that if she wants to know her biofather, that is her choice, but again this is something I would like to talk with her about in person.

I am sorry your family has been disrupted. I imagine it is a very touchy situation. But please know, since placing, I have married and had two children. I have 25+ years in my marriage and my sons are both in their 20's. I did tell my husband before we married, kinda had to, how else would I explain the stretch marks that ravaged my body. But I also told my sons when they were about middle school age. They asked questions about where she was and if they would ever get to meet her but then it was kinda dropped. Until April 2007 when the mail lady knocked on the door with a registered, return receipt I was the only person who could sign for it letter. I just sat holding that letter, couldn't open it right away, but couldn't put it down either.

Now it's been four months and we are exchanging letters and my husband and sons are both interested every time a new letter comes or I get an email from the agency. I still cry sometimes for all that's lost and I worry that my sons look at me differently or that they think I am forgetting about them and thinking only of her. But they remind me that everyone has a past, no one is perfect, and that they are still very interested in meeting their sister.

I am not saying that everything will work out fine. But like a lot of us, you are now part of situation you never planned on. I won't use clich like "Life gives you lemons, you make lemonade". Just know that you can't get the information removed and feelings may change. If you are worried that you family may google this information then maybe you need to tell them or be prepared to answer questions. Worse case scenario, if anyone finds the information, send them to your husband for answers. I can understand being extremely hurt and betrayed but since you have a 35+ year marriage (and I assume that you don't want to throw it all away) this is going to be a part of your life whether you want it or not.

Be mad, be hurt, scream, yell, cry, and know that we are here to listen and offer support whenever you may need it. Your husband may change his mind and he may not. That's his prerogative. But know that we will be here for you.

These are just my thoughts and opinions. I hope I did not offend anyone.

Thanks for reading and I am here to listen to almost any rantings and ravings. (Recently had major back surgery so spending lots of time browsing the puter. :arrow: [/FONT]

Aw, BigBertha, I can only imagine what a shock it was for you to find this information out in such a way. One thought I had was that sometimes when someone posts info. on an adoption search site, they don't realize that if you google it, it shows up. I never realized it until one day I was "googling" and when I googled the name of the man on my adoption papers it came up as my searching for him on an adoption site. I hadn't realized that! I wanted to clarify things from my original post too. The man I contacted Knew my bmom long before he was married. I have been very discreet in my contact because I realize that I will never be able to be "daddy's little girl" and I do not want to cause him any problems. But I have had many health problems and more so as I become older so it is becoming increasingly important for me to find out who my bdad is. I truly hope that you will realize that your husband has loved you for so many years. He must have agonized over his secret and now that it is out in the open, it gives an opportunity for both of you to come to terms with it and to become closer. Maybe some brief counseling would help get feelings out in the open. I truly wish you happiness. Snuffie

Big Bertha, Sorry for the pain you are going through. I am an adoptee who would love to talk to my bfather but he is not interested. He will not even take the time to provide medical history. What happened, happened and it is a fact. Your husband was an adult at the time and like anything else in life must face the reality of his choices. I cannot imagine anyone thinking badly of him - he made a mistake - don't we all? It is what you learn from the mistake that matters. What about your children and grandchildren. They are missing out on a potential relationship that may be great. If you had a half sister would you not want to know her? Genes do not lie - my handwritting is identical to my birth mother - who would have imagined something you learn how to do, you do the same as someone you never met but has her genes. Imagine the relationship that could evolve with someone that genetically close to you. What if you asked your husband if you could be the go between? If for nothing else than to provide information that this child never got like everyone else. I am one that would have benefited from medical info and still would - I have already had a heart attack and stroke at 43 which usually doesn't happen to females unless it runs in your genes. My doctors would like to know what else is going to pop up and say surprise... Try to describe yourself - what you look like - who you got your sense of humor from - what nationality you are - what your family is like - where you came from. It is like you are an alien to people who know their parents. I am not trying to upset you, just give you an outside view of what you can only emphasise with, not understand in the hope that it gives you other options to consider. Kind regards,Dickons

Thank you everyone for your kind words. My husband has emphatically expressed that he wants to forget his past totally. He has been living with this for so many years now that he has long buried his feelings. The bmom wrote him a letter many years ago informing him of the pregnancy and asking for money for an abortion, which he sent. We lived at the time in another country. She did inform him a few years later that she went ahead with the pregnancy but gave the child up to adoption, never including him in the decision. He has kept this to himself for almost 40 years until a few months ago. He has become extremely upset when I try to speak to him about this. I would love to be able to tell our children that they have a half sibling, but he wants no part of this. When I asked him what he would do if they found out on the internet as I did, he said he would deny that this was him. I have to respect his wishes , he is not in the best of health at the moment, recovering from surgery. I am hoping that over time, he will soften. I know for a fact that this now grown child wants no part of her bmom and that would certainly pertain to him as well. Thank you once again for reading and responding. Just writing about this has helped me immensely.

Big Bertha, I hope he does eventually warm up to the idea of his birth child. My desire to search increased dramatically after my brush with mortality. My search found my birth mother had passed away and my birth father not wanting contact, rejection hurts no matter how many times it happens. You are a good person to try and consider all sides of the adoption triad while going through pain yourself. Kind regards,Dickons

I thought I would bring my post back "up" again. I'm still wondering about my bdad and a very "close call" this November in the health arena has made it even more important for me to know my health history. As I have said, the man I have written to is elderly and was corresponding regularly until I mentioned that I thought he might be my bfather. Where would you go from here?

you could write him again, and just tell him that while you understand that he may not want to address things of the past, but that how would it hurt anyone to send on a little medical info, because at this point in your life you are dealing with many health issues and it would be helpful to you and your doctors to be aware of anything that would be of importance to know about family medical history. and that all your searching has lead to him, but if he does not want a relationship with you in any way, you will be disapointed, but will understand and will respect his right to privacy, but you are hopeful that any medical info could still be sent as it is now very important to you at this point in your life.and thank him for the book.also is there a book you could send him to help him understand the blank page you have lived with?he seems to have a knowledge of books. do you think he also read that book?do you think he could have been adopted too?

No, this man was not adopted and I did at one point tell him that if he would send me some pictures of himself I would leave him alone. I have kept that promise in that I have never mentioned that I think he is my bdad again but as I've mentioned, I've sent him cards and letters at least once a year. He sent that book to me about 2 years ago and I've not heard from him since. I did write to thank him for it and also wondered how he knew of this book etc. It is all a mystery. One that I may never find an answer to. Thank you for thinking of me. Snuffie

so, just wondering....did he ever send the picture?

Yes, he sent some articles that had been written about him. He is a war hero and he sent the pictures that were published with the articles. My youngest son looks very, very much like him. In my letters I included a photo of my son that I thought looked the most like him. But I still haven't heard anything now for about 2 years.

Have you sent any "thinking of you" cards lately? do you think he could be ill and not able to write anymore. you did say he was elderly didn't you? you have not been pushy....it could not hurt anything to try again. Is it posible for you to get ahold of a city directory in his area, and call or write a neighbor using his address, to locate someone across the street or next door to that address and write or call, saying you are a family friend and very concerned about him & his health and ask how he is doing? a well check so to speak.... when it comes to an elderly person, people may open right up out of "their" concern for him also.

I did send my usual Christmas card and letter and some photos. That is really all I can do because I think he would see anything else as an invasion of his privacy.

Is it possible that he moved or (I hate to say this) is deceased? Sometimes mail doesn't get forwarded or returned properly. Being elderly, he could be in nursing care somewhere else and the letters being sent to the address you have are being tossed. We have lived in our home for over 5 years and still get mail from the previous owners. I know you don't want to intrude or disrupt his life, but the only way you will get your answers is if you investigate further.

That is a good question. I don't "think" he is but your post got me to thinking. Does anyone have a subscription to an online obituary search?? I just don't get a "feeling" that he is deceased. He stopped corresponding after I mentioned that I thought he was my bdad after sending me that book and a letter telling me that he didn't think he was because my bmom never mentioned me to him. (There are reasons why she wouldn't have but I didn't go in to that.) Anyway thank you. I'm going to do some further discreet investigating.