Can't get past my fear...

Hi Ann, I'm beng patient and not pestering him but my God the time does move slowly. I promised myself, not him that I would "allow" a month between letters. 2 weeks to go and I doubt I'll make it. I'll rationalize by saying it takes 4 days for the letter to arrive, and yet, I think, why not write whenever I feel like it? It's not like I expect reply, I want to say hi and how are you but at the same time not seem needy. My Lord it's like having a newborn baby - no owner's manual! All I want is for him to have peace and for me as well. I doubt I will ever have it but I will die trying to make it for him. Thanks for being there- bad day all round - friend's 60th and a death in the family. My God, we're all getting old and I just want to make peace with this before I'm done.

:hissy: well about aweek or so ago my daughter got a birthday card from my bdaughter. She had a new address on the back of the envelope! I wanted to scream! Where is my lovely letter going to end up, and in whose hands! I emailed her and told her I posted something..( wanted it to be a suprise tho!) and that I had sent it to the old address. Still haven't heard back. I am a little worried. oh dear here I go! Trouble is I'm dead scared the amum has said something to make her pull back. The amum is cross with me as I mentioned that I had called in to see her x husband. Oh a long story...full of hidden agendas I thinK. Well back to check my inbox! Sigh! susie :hissy:

Susie, I'm wondering when she moved and if she had her mail sent on to her new address? It's too bad you can't find out who is living at her old address and contact them and ask that they return the letter and/or send it on to her. I hope you hear back soon - I'm waiting and it's driving me :hypno: and it's only been 3 weeks. Take care.

She is a sensible girl and I am sure she will have her mail forwarded...but you know, just that element of doubt creeps in!!! Its driving me crazy tho! There is a huge sports event in NZ at the end of the year and she is coming over with her team to play and is going to be staying here for a couple of months ( In NZ i mean). I have tickets for the whole shabang. Its a world cup event...NZ and Australia the favourites to win. Sooooooooooo exciting. Her amum and I will be sitting together as bdaughter bought the tickets online 4 us, so things are going to have to sort themselves out aren't they. Half of it is prob. my paranoia:: ::hissy: :hypno: :arrow: : : The games will be in Auckland...5 hours away so its going to a be a great break! Staying with my bro...and hoping bdaughter gets to meet him. She has only met two of my three lovely bros!!!! nothing in inbox. Oh well:coffee:

hey people...thought it was time for an update on everyone. Hows all that communication going??????? I'm not in such a good space as still haven't had any contact from daughter! Aghhh. I know she has recieved the DVD I sent her as her amum wrote me a week or so ago and said how she had had all her friends around to watch it!!! I'm feeling nervous that her bdad has said something to put her off me. Her amum also mentioned in her letter that he had phoned and called in to meet her for the first time...and what a lovely man he was. AGHHHHHHHH. Remembering that it was me that made the break from him, and hurt him deeply. Amums letter was quite sterile, but said all the right things so now I'm thinking maybe the bdad has said something! So here is what I am thinking guys...I have always said nice things about the bdad as I am not one to go around badmouthing people...but I have omitted in telling them that during our courtship he came after me with a loaded gun in a jealous rage. ( Never found me thank god). This to me was one sign that I would never want to marry him...and now I'm thinking, " OK buster, if you are going to say anything to make her pull back, I am going to spill the beans" Is this dumb of me to think this way? I am not tempted quite yet but if amum keeps gushing about him I will be soooooo tempted! Sometimes I just get sick of protecting others feelings all the time. DONT know what to do or say. At least now I know that she has got my letter...but I have only had one two word email all year ( commenting on some photos I sent through) and we used to in contact at least monthly. I'm now wondering if I should sell my World Cup tickets and not go. I have too much pride to be somewhere I am not wanted. Or am I cutting my nose to spite my face. Ideas please my wise new friends!!!!!:grr: ::

USE THE WORLD CUP TICKETS!!! (Please excuse the shouting but I want to be emphatic!) I think I would be tempted to respond to amom's letter saying that I'm so glad that bdad has matured so well; that you found him "lovely" but that when you were dating him he had done some disturbing things (like looking for you with the shotgun in hand!) that led you to believe it would not be a good marriage! You could actually say what you said to us, that you have chosen not to share the negative because you don't believe in badmouthing people (and let it go at that). The fact that your daughter showed her friends the dvd says to me that she is deeply interested. Help her to understand that she can have separate relationships with you and bdad without having to choose. No one ever told us this would be easy!

What an excellent idea Kathy! I don't remember how old your daughter is Susieloo, but my son has reassured me that he wouldn't hold anything my parents or his bdad said against me! I think people are capable of taking things with a grain of salt. As far as communication goes for me...well my bson is super super busy in life right now. I bite the bullet every week to 10 days and write him emails. He's been really good about answering those directly! So that feels good to me. I don't feel like I'm intruding, but yet I know he's still there and interested. I've also tried not to be so paranoid, I think it helps!

Funny how easy it is to be paranoid about our bchildren! I guess most of us have that basic insecurity. I usually IM D, for several weeks now, however, he's been working in situations where he can't IM so we haven't talked much. I do talk with his wife almost every day... (I tell her I'm her illegal mother-in-law - or would that be mother-out-law!) She leaves me messages when I'm not online. I'd love to get together with D for our birthday next week, but it's not going to happen... Sigh!

Susieloo, I agree with Kathy, don't change your plans as IMO you may regret not going later on. Also, I would be "general" about comments regarding her bdad. As Kathy said, mention that you're glad that he is making an effort and appears to have matured over the years but at the time you were dating things were said and done that made you think about whether or not a long term relationship was appropriate. I am very careful not to saying anything negative about anyone as it usually ends up backfiring and their true character usually is revealed on its own. I think the one thing that is most worrisome is the amount of time it takes between contact. As quantum mentioned - I too can only stand a week or two before I'm thinking I've "blown it" with my bson and I have to keep reminding myself that he is busy with "life". Hang in there and best wishes.

Kathy, I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to share a birthday with D!!! Good grief. I have struggled with my bsons birthday forever and now I struggle with mine. How do you deal with the same day?

I suppose the good news is that it's only one day to struggle with, LOL! I have to laugh (sometimes through my tears) when someone on the forums will ask if bmoms forget their birthchild's birthday! Wow, I was typing this and just got hit with a wave of sorrow! I guess it reminded be that next Thursday is 35 years! To answer how I deal with it... it helps to recognise what's happening and to know that basically things are ok and the pain will recede again. The first couple years were the hardest although I have to admit, being in reunion has brought the memories back to the surface! I try to remind myself that I do have a choice.. to focus on the pain and sadness or to recognise the blessings in my life... and I have truly been blessed!

thank you so much guys for your quick replies. You are all the new treasures in my life. Thanks for shouting at me kakuehl...probably what I need!!Its amazing nhow those waves of sorrow can hit...I have had the same happen sometimes as I have been posting. Part of the PTSD I suppose. When I met up with her birthdad last year, after 27yrs, he did tell me he was determined to explain to her that he wanted to keep her. Aghhhh.....as if i didn't!!!!!! How he has put this to her I dont know. He also told me when he made contact he would let me know how it all went....and he hasn't. Just hope he is not on a " I'm going to pay her back crusade" A quote from a movie I saw once " How hard you think this will be, you will wish it was!" Think I ly in there somewhere. I could never Have imagined that one bonk could lead to such a journey!!!( LOL) Thanks too for you replies quantum and keds. I couldn't wait to get online this am to see if someone had heard me! I feel heard now. Its so good and gives me the warm fuzzies. I am all into getting on ok with the bdad..There is a sign outside a local church that has little quotes of wisdom. This weeks says " Those who have tact have less to retract", so in the same vein as what you said keds about the negatives. I guess I am a bit passive aggressive by nature...at least I am aware of that, so will hold off the negative come back ( Just yet!!!!!lol) My daughter will be 29 in Jan quantum. Love you all. susie

Here's another quote, "Better to keep you mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!" Chances are, bdad will show his true colors if he keeps talking. Be yourself with bd and her family and things will be fine. (Here's advice that's easy to give and hard to do: Don't be defensive!)

Well opened the inbox and there was an email. So why am I still not happy??????? Well in one way I am, coz she did send me one, but alot of questions unanswered, no ref. to my letter. It just seemed NOT ENUFF!! She did end it " See you on the 10th Nov." so I guess I'm still going to world cup. She arrives in the country in 4 weeks. It almost feels like first reunion meeting again! Anyone else feel like this when you finally do have contact? Are my expectations too high? Just seemed so 'token' after nearly a year. I just want to know ALL the little details as well!!!!!!!:hypno:

Susieloo, I'm so glad that you heard back and the trip is still on. You are not alone. I always think it's not enough! Maybe it's me trying to make up for lost time but I see my bson quite often, I'm very lucky, and I dread when it's time to leave. As for letters/e-mails and phone conversations he is very quiet - maybe he just likes the sound of my voice - ha ha! I obsess over every word and don't call as often as I would like - every 3-4 weeks as I don't want to "intrude". It's still early on for us so still finding our way. I tell myself I have no expectations and that I am so thankful that I have him in my life and yet, like you, I want so much more. I'm looking forward to hearing about your trip. Take care.