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Hi. I was looking for some advice and support on this issue I have. My son's birthfather and I have been friends and remained reasonably close for the past 21 years (our son is 18 - I am a bmom). My bson has talked to his bio-dad once on the phone. I don't think he had the best impression of him. My bson and I e-mail every now and again over the past year (almost). We are getting to know each other - nothing too heavy. His b-dad committed suicide last week. My friends are totally at opposite ends of the spectrum about me telling him. He has just moved to college and started school. My initial thought is not to tell him unless he asks sometime. One friend said I should let him know in a kind of matter of fact e-mail - telling him he does not need to answer or say anything, but just that I wanted him to know. Another says - no way. What would some of your thoughts be? Would you want the information?? Thanks for your anticipated replies.
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there's never a "good" time to tell anyone about a death. Maybe you could send an email to him telling him you have some news about his bdad, but that you think perhaps it's something you should discuss over the phone, rather than in an email. Leave the option up to him, on how he prefers to receive the news.... He will obviously know it is something serious, but this way he can decide....... just a thought........ K
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I agree. Tell him. I'd e-mail him. The first memory he has of speaking with you shouldn't be this type of news, or at least I wouldn't want it to be. The idea of e-mailing him and letting him decide it perfect. It puts the ball in his court and he can decide his comfort level.So sorry you are going through this.
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I told him. Sent him a little e-mail with just the fact that he passed away. Told him I'd be glad to answer any questions, but no pressure. He e-mailed back and sounded surprised (bdad was 36) and asked questions. I told him the truth - not too emotional, just the facts. I did tell him I hope this did not negatively impact his impression, as his demons just got the best of him. I think he is processing. I have not heard from him again. Next time I e-mail I will not bring it up unless he does at some point. Thanks for all your help. What a merry-go-round.
Now my bson has deleted his myspace account. This was our only method of contact. I fear that it is because I told him his bdad committed suicide (after he asked how it happened). I fear he may think - what a couple of nuts, I dodged a bullet there. Better to keep them out of my life. I guess I am hoping he messages me to know some other method to e-mail or contact him, but I don't know if he will. I try to do what is right, but it seems like I get the short end of the stick. Some threads I have read say adoptees test to see if you will give up on them again. I didn't the first time, and I won't this time, but when he cancelled our means of contact, how do I let him know I have not given up on him? The e-mail about his bdad's suicide was the deepest the e-mails have ever been. They are usually light and friendly.
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I agree. With all the spam and hacking into myspace, he very well may have had to cancel his account and will create a new one. I've noticed that the h.s. kids are now gravitating to facebook in our area. (I know Josh started college, but he's still in that age range) I can't imagine how this may make you feel, and I hope you find that it was something simple, and you find a way to stay connected to him.
sal
I'm sorry for your loss....I'm a reunited adoptee... and since you and your birthson have some contact... I WOULD let him know that his birthfather died....If that were me.. I'd want to know...I never liked having the "secrets" of my adoption kept from me...I prefer the truth...however painful that may be....sal
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