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I have never posted on this particular forum before -- probably because we are in weekly therapy and have been since October '06. But I am slowly realizing that I need someone to "dump on" when things are really tough. And that is a horrible understatement for today. DS#1 was diagnosed last October with RAD. He was 5 and we adopted him from a Russian orphanage at 9.5 months. Maybe we should have seen it sooner, but he was diagnosed failure to thrive, and had severe SID and developmental delays that we were dealing with and it was not obvious that there was "something else" until the SID and delays started getting better. Also, it seems the RAD was getting worse over time. Anyway, last year we were dealing with a lying, scheming, destructive, violent 5 year old. After months of therapy things seemed to be getting better. And this past summer it was as if a miracle happened. He was in a 3 day a week summer program at a preschool and he went all summer (including numerous field trips) without any problems AT ALL. At home he was relaxed and seemed happy most of the time and, although he still had never told me he loved me, we got along great. School started again and it is like we are back at square one. I know about triggers, but I purposely kept him in a school-type environment over the summer to ease the shock factor. And he transitioned so well from school to summer that I just did not see this coming. Now that you have the background, today he had his worst and longest melt-down ever. According to our therapy for him, we are supposed to hold him when he has one of these. So, I held him while he kicked, hit, bit, spit, screamed, and clawed me. Finally, he settled down and said he was ready to have me stop holding him (which is what he usually does at the end of these things). I let him go and he got this horribly evil look on his face, grabbed a newly sharpened pencil and jammed it in my foot. (Fortunately it barely broke the skin and I just have a swollen spot.) Anyway, I have never known him to be like this -- usually he is just angry, but this was different. I grabbed him and held him some more and just kept telling him that I loved him and nothing he could do could change that. He fought me for another hour -- I am so sore getting out of my chair is hard tonight. Finally, he tired and it ended. About an hour after the end of all of this, I was cooking dinner and he came over and asked why my face looked funny. (I immediately wondered if bruises were popping out already.) But I asked what he meant and he asked why my face looked like that, was it because I was mad at him. I told him that I was not mad, I was sad and right then I started bawling. He then threw his arms around me and held me. I hugged him back and after a couple of minutes he pushed my head up so I was looking at him. Then he looked me straight in the eye and said "I'm sorry Mommy. I love you Mommy." I was shocked and started crying harder. I could not believe he finally said "I love you" and after what we had been through this afternoon. I still do not know -- is this a breakthrough? He has been completely unwilling to ever use the word "love" before so it seems unlikely that this is a con job. But I am scared to believe anything after such a bad melt-down. I have wanted to hear those words from my son for 5 years (he is now 6), and now that he said them, my first thought was "why now?" Why not during the summer when we were happy and cuddling? Anyone have any kind of similar experience or advice?
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I don't have any experience with RAD... but I know there are several parents on here that do. Since you didn't receive any responses yet, my suggestion is to cross post to the special needs adoption forum -- maybe they'll see it over there. Good luck and I do hope it is a breakthrough (but I really don't know).
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[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Sorry you are suffering through a regression...they are by far, IMHO, the worst. While my son was younger than your son is now...we did have a breakthrough one day during holding time when I began to sob. I was just so tired of it all...all of the hurt, the anger, the taking it out on me, the regressions, etc. For us and our situation, it showed DS that mommy could hurt and still be strong. It was a step forward in his healing. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]But my son was 8 months old at adoption and we began addressing the attachment first...he was probably about 2'ish when this happened. At your DS's age and how newly on the road to healing you are...it could still be manipulation. What does your attachment therapist think?[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Hang in there.[/FONT]
Our therapy appt is tomorrow (Wed.). I suspect she will say what she has said before "that it is a good thing...that he fights the hardest and worst when he is actually starting to feel things and they make him uncomfortable." Sometimes I think his little mind just thinks up new and more awful things to do. The thing is, it's not that I don't trust her (she is an attachment therapist and has done many years of this), but she does not have a child like this and never has and she does not seem to have any sympathy/empathy for me and what I go through. I mean, today I had to choose my clothes carefully to try and hide all the bruises... And he previously broke my two front teeth (kicked me in the mouth when he was 2). And yet, after an appt, I end up feeling much worse than he ever does. Because there is always something better I could have done -- or my favorite, done to prevent the situation in the first place even when I did not see it coming! [Now that I write this, I realize I am at a point where I am having a pity party 5 years in the making...] I guess the other part of this that is hard is that I have been trying desperately to show my little boy that he can trust me and hopefully someday love me -- and I love him dearly, but I do not trust him at all. Yikes. Thanks for listening (i.e., reading).
Hugs to you. I am also the mother of a very RAD child and I understand everything you have said.
First, I don't know how long you have been with the therapist, but if I were you, I would look to change. Your therapist needs to help YOU as much as the child. You are not to blame for his actions. Could we all do things differently? Of course. But we didn't cause the RAD and we should not even remotely be made to feel that anything is our fault.
Have you looked into an intensive therapy session? That will help you see if he is using this as a manipulation tool or if it is genuine.
Good luck to you and keep posting. I am right where you are. I get it.
Hugs to you from me also. In our experience with our 15 yr. old RAD AS, we've seen this as progress and have been told by our AT that this is progress. We've also seen our son settle into a pattern of a bad behavior, followed by an "I'm sorry and I love you" followed by the same bad behavior, so we trust him less and less on this sort of response. Our son is quite the con artist so we trust him very little. One of the best descriptions I have heard about healing is that it is like peeling an onion....you have to keep peeling the layers back to get to the core issues. Our son has been like that - as he/we work through his issues there are tough times followed by relative calm followed by another rough time - as he gets closer and the attachment gets stronger the old coping mechanisms (bad behaviors) surface because he hasn't mastered the replacement behaviors (i.e. talking about his feelings) to deal with the feelings. Just know that others are going through the same thing and that we're with you on your journey. Fran
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I agree that this attachment therapist doesn't sound like the perfect fit. YOU need support as much as this child does, and a really good attachment therapist won't make you feel bad about your parenting but will genuinely help you! Unfortunately, I know it is also REALLY hard in a lot of places to even FIND a decent attachment therapist, so you may not have a lot of options.
Jackie, Yes, the therapist thinks it is a combination of starting back to school, the new adoption (and me going to court for that next week) and DH being gone on a business trip. Just way too much for him to handle. I actually went in and talked to the therapist by myself for about 40 minutes before the regular joint session and told her how I was feeling. She was very supportive and gave me lots of kudos for what I was already doing. Apparently I have an "I can handle it" demeanor and a way of seeming like everything is ok even when it is not, so she did not realize that I needed/wanted the support. Now that we are communicating, I hope things will be better. (And our only other option is a therapist trained by the state who does the neurofeedback stuff -- and I just can't go there.) I am armed with a new arsenal of tactics and things have been somewhat better the last couple of days. Thanks for all your input and support.
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I was going to say, DD has a blow out some days (that tears down her wall for a bit) and she is genuine in those moments...it's like the more genuine the feelings are, the worse they act...So I would trust your gut instinct.I also wouldn't let HIM determine when holding time is over...as that CLEARLY is backfiring on you.
I am late here but wanted to see how you are doing. My son is close to your son's age. We are just about to start AT and I am nervous, my biggest fear is that it will be a bunch of me being told what I am doing wrong, LOL. My son says I love you, all the time, but it means nothing to him. However, he has after some huge fight or blow up in which I don't let him "win", he will say thanks mom! It's strange, like he is pleased he lost the fight and I stood my ground no matter what he tried. I think he really is, at least part of him is hoping I will be strong enough to take whatever he dishes out without caving and can still love him. He asked me the other day *(after having admitted to stealing a knife) if I would still love him if he killed everyone in the house. I said, yes, but it would be a mess. Inside I was falling apart. I did take the knife from his room, and move all the knives to a better place.