Adoptees: How do you feel knowing bparents kept your siblings

Hi Ann, I don't think you quite understood what I was getting at. I love my adoptive parents, and I know they love me. They are not responsible for any of the hurt I feel about having been adopted. That hurt is similar to what most adoptees feel; it is not resentment towards my birthmother. I believe she did the only thing she could do, and that she believed it was the best thing for me and for her. My "apples and oranges" comment is because I really do see my birthparents and my adoptiveparents as two totally different, separate groups of people. My adoptive Mom and Dad are the people who raised me, loved me, gave me guidance, and dried my occasional tears - and so I love them and they're very important to me. To be truthful, I don't give a lot of thought to my birthfather - I have neither positive or negative feelings for him. My birthmother, though - she's the very reason I am on this planet. I would not be here if it weren't for her. 50% of my genes are hers. Although she hasn't replied to me at this point, I have seen a photo, I look just like her, and we're in similar professions. She is my genetic connection to the world, she is my history and my roots. So, she is very important to me, and I feel as if I have always loved her even though we are strangers. So, apples and oranges. They're totally different from each other, and yet, they're both important to me. My search for, my NEED to know my birthmother and my roots, has absolutely nothing to do with my adoptive parents. I hope this post is more clear, I would hate to think that anyone thinks I'm resentful or angry. After all, I've used my real name here and I have nothing to hide. If you were really referring to the part at the top of my other post where I said I'd be furious if I found out that my birthparents were happily married and were parenting their first 2 children and gave me up, well, I would be furious. That's not my situation, though. It's an answer to someone else's question asking adoptees how they'd feel if that was their situation.

Thanks for the explanation Gwen - that certainly clarifies your post. Ann

I'm with Ann on this one. Financial hardship is a predominant reason in many relinquishments. I bought a lottery ticket everyweek I carried my daughter so I could afford to raise her...needless to say my numbers never came up!! However, had I struck it lucky and won I could have, and would have turned around to the whole horrid moral brigade and said get stuffed, I CAN keep my child and NO ONE would have been able to scare me into it! Infact I have likened it to the story of Robin Hood...except he took from the rich to give to the poor. Adoption to me felt like robbing from the poor to give to the rich. I hope I am not offending anyone here...but if the predominant interest is the childs welfare why can't the child be supported in its own family enviroment. Why does it have to be about ownership..( to me thats what signing papers is about!). There is much love to give without ownership. I too think this could be setting the child up for alot of confusion and anger! Just my thoughts susie

Does no one have any feed back on the issue I raised in the prior post? I thought I may have challenged or provoked some comment. Remember this is my opinion. I am open minded enough to have it challenged. I can only assume why at this stage, and I could be way off the mark. Have my comments hit home? Are they too close to the core of adoption? Do they make us look too closely as to whose benefit adoption really is? Or is it none of the above? Interested....Susie

Not all adoptees are 'confused and angry' - in fact, the only time I get 'angry' is when people try to tell me how I should feel, simply because I'm adopted.

I come at adoption from the angle of foster parenting and from my side of the coin, finances play a part, but there are OFTEN many other things happening. I don't think anyone can say what is or is not a "good enough" reason to give up your child. Yes, its difficult to explain that a child's parents could not afford to keep them, but it IS a valid reason to reliquish. If you keep your child and can't afford to do so... then perhaps you can't pay your rent or keep your heat on or put food on the table... so perhaps your neighbor calls and says "the kids next door are freezing and not being fed" and then social services comes in and tries to help and if they try but don't succeed then possibly ALL the children are removed from the only home they've ever known. So, maybe, just maybe they are doing what's best right now for their WHOLE family.

good to see more responses. Brandy I know all adoptees are not all confused or angry. My own bdaughter is a very well balanced girl and our relationship goes from strength to strength. Its probably me thats more confused!!! However its more the situation whereby the adopted child finds out that the first two siblings had been kept by bparents and not them. Do you not think that could cause some of the " Why am I not good enough?" feelings? I would never assume all will feel this way, infact until I came onto these forums I had no idea there was so much unhappiness out there. I based my assumptions on my experience. Thats why its so cool to get others thoughts ,feelings, and experiences. I still do not see why, if the welfare of the child is paramount, that ownership comes into it. When I became pregnant with my last child, very not planned, I cried for 10weeks because of our financial situation. It scared me to pieces. I remember my mother saying ( trying to cheer me up) never mind, its just a baby! This made me sadder still as my immediate thought was " Why couldn't she have said that when I was pregnant with my birthdaughter, as opposed to the " What will everyone think" scenario. Oh yes, thats right, I had an all important man with my last child.( sorry, a touch of sarcasm there) Happy ending here though...we did grovel, and our bathroom is still pitsville, and our furniture is a good mix of hand me downs and second hand...but I have the most beautiful son I could ever wish for. And I still say that as he just turns 15! and yes athikers it can be a valid reason to relinquish...when no one else offers to support! Why can't the neighbour, if they are so worried 'bring over some blankets'. Hypothetically of course! What is our society thinking. yes i am an idealist...but aim for 100 and we will at least get 50. aim for 5O and we won't get much! Anyway...all good stuff to chew over susie

I have four older brothers and an older sister that my mother parented. Yes they are full siblings, my father died while my mother was pregnant with me. I am the placed one. Yeah I had alot of why wasn't I good enough feelings. I worked through them, but that doesn't say that I wasn't angry for a long, long time.

belleinblue thank you for your post. I did wonder if I was barking up the wrong tree about this. I think we have to make some generalizations, but even generalizations come from some substance. If you were born in 78 you are very close in age to my birthdaughter. I am so glad you have worked through you feelings now. Susie.

I am 26 years and met my bmother last september. I am a hurting adoptee. I was the 4 and last child and the only child that was given away. I was my bmother secret no one knew about me until 29-09-07 when I found her. One of the things that hurt the worst is that i live on a small island 266 square miles population of 250000, and not once did my bmother look for me. When I met her she said how hard it was for her she was dirt poor she had 4 children by the age of 21. At first I felt bad for hating her all this time but after meeting her she really has no excuse for not looking for me. I grew up always knowing I was adopted I always felt different, I never felt any bond with my aparents. For most of my life I never wanted to meet my bmother and I am not happier since I met her. Is something wrong with me? I have very little desire to know her or my siblings I feel detached from her just like I do with my aparents. I would say to all you bmothers at least make the attempt to meet your child it will pay off in the long run.

YES it does matter! My birth mother kept my 3 oldest brothers and place me up for adoption. I have always felt that you don't have 4 and keep 3 and will never understand why she couldn't keep me to. She always said she was in the process of a divorce from my birth father and that she could barely feed the 3 she kept. NO EXCUSES!!! If you can feed 3 you can feed 4. I am very hurt and bitter over this. I hope this helps!!!!

Gemini, there may be a perfect explanation of "Why" you were left behind and your brother not. My fiancee' and his non-biological Asister were both adopted by a childless couple at different times. Both of them started their Biological Searches around the same time (a few days apart) and then both found their Biological Families within about six months apart. Both of them had an older sibling, she a sister and he a brother. When she located her birth family (her mother already deceased) her seven bio-siblings were told about her and also told "Why she was placed." Her mother placed both of the girls up for Adoption. A time later the bmother had met a man who wanted her children and went back to the Agency to get them. When the bmom went back, only the oldest daughter was still there but the youngest (fiancee's Asister) had already been placed in her Adoptive home. Hopefully you might find out that this may be a similiar circumstance in your case. On the other hand, my Fiancee was told by his Bmom the reason he was placed was because, she was the oldest of ten children, all living at home. She already had a child and simply couldn't afford to raise another child, as her parents were already raising the first one and were getting too old to raise another one. There are all different reasons, "Why" and I hope that your answers are ones that aren't hurtful but yet totally legitimate.

I know of two adopted families where their adopted child was the only one placed out of a group of siblings. In one case, the child placed was the last born and the birthmother just couldnt afford the child. I think I was told by my friend afterward(adoptee's cousin) that the birthmother later on got her tubes tied. I know of another family where the child place for adoption was the only one placed. She is still a young girl. The adoptive mother is concerned how this will affect her child in future years, but knowing that she's a good amother and is very involved in adoptive issues, I think she will do her best to try to give that child a good sense of security and sense of self-worth despite her loss from her first family. Sometimes the support of the afamily cannot totally assuage the hurt from the situation of the first family, but i have to believe that it can somewhat make them feel more secure as adults. Amy K, NJ

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I was perfectly fine with it when I thought my birthmother had kept my other siblings. I feel no anger towards her first son, the one she kept.