Attachment Infant/Toddler

It sounds to me like you are on the right track so far. The holding and feeding and just being with him will help him to bond to you. But, I really think it is going to take alot more than just two weeks. My husband and I have adopted two children from Guatemala. Our son was 6 months old when he came home and our daughter was 9 months old. My son didn't grieve as much b/c he was still very young but my daughter was a whole other story. At 9 months old she was very attatched to her foster mother and wanted nothing to do with me. Her transition was extremely hard. She has been home for 4 months now and we are still working on attatchment. She gets hysterical when I leave her with my mom for just a few hours. She is still very much afraid I will not come back for her. I rarely leave her because of this but have to sometimes for Dr's appt and such. Try to imagine what your 14 month old is going through. With you being his third placement, he has been "left" by at least 4 "mommies." Imagine how anxious he will be if he is starting to trust you and then in 2 weeks you leave him with more stangers. I am not trying to make you feel bad I am just trying to get you to think about it from his viewpoint. If it is at all possible, I would suggest you stay home with him for as long as possible. I believe you would qualify for the Family and Medical Leave Act in which you are guaranteed 12 weeks off and they cannot fire you. I am pretty sure that the placement of a foster/adopt child does qualify you. I would look into that if I were you. I hope I have not offended you. I am just giving you my honest oppinion for what that is worth. HTH,Natalie

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]OK, my advice needs to be *disclaimered*...my DS was adopted from Russia at 8 months old...spent his first month with his first mom, then was at a great orphanage (as far as orphanages go) and was placed in my arms at 8 months one day old. His story is not a bad one...his history really isn't awful...poverty for first family was the deciding factor...orphanage was like a US daycare.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]My son was AD/RAD. My son has been showing healthy secure signs of being attached for the past 11 months and he has been home 41 months...so 2.5 years to begin attaching and we began addressing his issues immediately.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Now is the time to work on attachment. I do not know how familiar you are with attachment in infants...but a great site is [URL="http://www.a4everfamily.org"]A4everFamily.org - HOME[/URL] and [URL="http://www.attach-china.org"]Attach-China[/URL]. Yes they are for international adoption but attachment in infants is attachment in infants. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]You state it is his 3rd move and he is already displaying insecurities. I would put off going back to work for as long as possible or longer. The hard work you will do now is nothing in comparsion to raising an unattached or insecrely attached child or trying to heal a preschooler or grade school age child. I do not mean to sound harsh but this baby needs to learn to trust that you too will not leave him as everyone else already has. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]I have tons of links of resources I used in healing my son. PM if you would like them. Yes, a child can attach while attending daycare but it 1.) typically takes longer, 2.) is much harder work, and 3.) is not always successful. [URL="http://www.radzebra.org"]Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN[/URL] is another great resource. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Have you looked into attachment therapy? A child this age has such a great chance at attaching completely...as long as any issues are addressed. There is a great success story in the Russian forums about this. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]I hope I did not offend you...this is a huge soapbox issue for me. All too often what happens is the attachment is not immediately addressed...usually it takes a few years for the issues to spiral out of control and then finally, maybe they are addressed. But why should you or your child suffer. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]It sounds like you are off to a great start...and you should trust your gut on this. If you think it is too soon...it most likely is.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Good luck...[/FONT]

gnatty love and angel kisses - you did not offend me at all. I appreciate and welcome the advice. i thought these are things i might hear anyway. it's really not me who wants to go back to work. but i'm self-employed and don't get paid unless i'm working. i can take as much time off as i want, but may lose client's because of this. i'm nervous about this but in terms of importance, obviously my son comes first. my husband doesn't seem to think it's as big a deal and he puts a lot of pressure on money and my career. i do understand what my son is going through and i feel so much sadness for him. when i think about it i start to cry. and i know he is grieving the loss of his first foster mom who had him for his whole first year of life. he was very attached to her. i can tell just by looking at him that he is grieving. the pre-adoptive family that had him for 2 months before us couldn't handle him, i think because they didn't understand this process. they kept saying he was impatient, strong-willed, and difficult. that's all one year olds, first of all. second, i think he was grieving his losses and they didn't work enough on the bonding. they gave up too soon. i did read up a lot on attachment before considering adoption. that's why i have been so hands-on. and i'm finding that he really needs a lot of attention. he has little tantrums where he wants to be held but it's not comforting enough for him so he thrashes his body around and cries. i've starting holding him tight and rocking during these episodes and it seems to help. he kicks and fights at first but then calms down and seems to even like it. has anyone else experienced this?thank you for the websites, i will certainly check them out. i thought briefly about attachment therapy but i'm not exactly sure what they could do for a 1 year old. i guess i don't know that much about them. has anyone used one before? thanks for the replies. we'll consider any advice we can get. we just want to do the best we can for this little boy.

"they kept saying he was impatient, strong-willed, and difficult. that's all one year olds," LOL that is too funny, you are so right that is a one year old. I wonder what those folks were thinking!By fd cam to me at 12.5 months and I have had her for three. She is not clingly at all, she was first removed from her home at 4 months, 4 months at foster home, 2 months back home, back into foster home for 3 months then moved to my home. Thats alot of bouncing around. Well, she would go t everyone. I think she is generally good natured and friendly, but I could walk up to anyone and she would put out her arms to be picked up. Her insecurity came out as being overly friendly. I was luck to be home for 2 months in the summer I think that time helped both of us.First, I wouldn't pass her off to other people or let other people hold her for as long as possible. When she started walking she would walk to others and I let her, but I was always there to comfort her if she fell, etc. Also, I was the only one to give her her bottle. I also put her back on the bottle, she was using sippy cup when she came to me. Third, I would get up with her about 5:30 in morning and we would lay on the couch where she would have a bottle and then fall back to sleep on my stomach. I think this was very great for bonding. She also wouln't sit still long enough in my lap to snuggle and cuddle and rock, she wanted up and then wanted down, then wanted up, etc. I think she is just so active and busy and likes to be on the move. I have gotten her also to take a bottle and sit with me for book reading before bedtime. Getting her to sit for books took some consistant effort but is so worh it on so many levels.I did start taking her to the YMCA daycare where I would workout for an hour or so and she would stay in kidzone. I was so happy the first time she cried when I left! She often doesn't cry when I leave her.It breaks my heart to think about all she has been through. It worries me that she may have to leave here. I can see that she is getting so comfortable here. She makes much more eye contact and really latches on tightly to my arm. She doesn't want to go to anybody and everybody and if she is picked up when she sees me she wants to come to me. She is calling me mommy or momma now after 3 months (she started at 2 months with me but it is more frequent now); she is just so precious and I pray that she doesn't have to have any more losses.I do take her to daycare now. I am a single mom and really don't have a choice. If I did have a choice I would say daycare for about 20 hours a week. There is a part of me that thinks part time day care is good for the child as well and the parent. She is such a friendly little girl and seems to easily adjust to whatever situation that if she does cry when I leave her she is easily comforted by on of the teachers. It is harder for me knowing that she will be there all day.Well, she is up from nap now so I better go get her a bottle ready.

I tried sending you a PM, but it would not allow me, so please forgive me for asking for this here: I have read a few of your posts and it appears there is a majority who love and consider your advice and wisdom on this board. I am currently waiting to be matched with a child through foster care and I am losing my mind with worry about when it will happen, attachment issues, drug exposure, etc etc. So I wanted to know if you OR ANYONE could recommend a list of books? I have ordered the following books (they are used on Amazon, so the price is right :eyebrows: ) 1. Different and Wonderful: Raising Black Children in a Race-Conscious Society - Dr. Darlene Hopson; 2. Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent - Lois Ruskai Melina; Paperback 3. The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforseen Challenges of Adoption - Karen J. Foli; 4. Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents - Deborah D. Gray; Hardcover Would you recommend any other books? I also would like to know if you recommend any books on drug exposed children? Thank you for whatever help you/ANYONE can offer. I really want to keep my mind occupied until I am matched. Dolores

dizzydolores: two of the BEST books i've read regarding adoption are:"Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish their Adoptive Parent Knew""The Connected Child" (This has practical ideas for working with older children with adoption related needs but has excellent information about bonding and what an adopted child goes through in terms of brain and emotional development. I highly recommend it)Also, we just got our boy from foster care and he has had a lot of early drug exposure. he is 15 months and i could tell you a little about that if you are interested/worried/etc. p.s. gnattylove, angelkisses, and chickiboom - i am taking your advice and taking 6 weeks off work at least. we'll see how he is doing after that. then i will do a very slow transition into a small home daycare.thanks everyone for writing back. anyone encountering sensory issues with their kids (i.e. overstimulation then becomming very cranky)?