Have you adopted a sibling group?

we are also considering fostering to adopt a sibling group. There are 3... Ages. 6,4,2 They have a older brother who is 8 from a differant father who is being reunif with dad. So it is just the 3 we also have a 8 yr old daughter of our own we adopted when she was 2. We are concerned that our daughter might be a outsider and the sibling group will stick together and push her aside. But we have not yet decided what to do.:hissy:

So, I don't have any info on how they will react/interact with the other kids in the home. If there is only one child not in the sib-group, I think this increases the potential for that child to feel/be excluded in many ways - esp as the kids get older and begin to process their lives & often act out in reaction to it. If the kids are really young, you will have many more years to handle this & maybe head it off, and also to develop strong bonds to help both you, your existing kids, and the new members of the family. In most cases, I would recommend that this situation only be considered if the existing child(ren) is the oldest child(ren), esp if you are talking a sib group where the kids are older than toddlers, or where there is already known abuse. I base this on knowing, from my own experience with my kids (adopted at ages 8-13) that as they get older and begin to process what really has happened to their lives, many 'secrets' begin to get disclosed (stuff they did not want to tell about for fear of losing relationships with parents or other family members). This resulted in a LOT of acting out, negative behavior patterns, manipulation, etc. Also, need to watch for behaviors that can negatively impact your existing kids. I'm not saying don't do it, but I am saying take your time, get all data possible, make sure to find good counseling resources early, esp someone familiar with attachment disorders so you can recognise if there are issues (overly-quick bonding to you/your kids is a big sign), and use all the time available to you to observe interactions with the kids by themselves & with your existing kids before committing to adopt. I love my kids and am committed to them, but this path, while amazing and fun and exciting and interesting also has these other aspects that require consideration. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide!

Sundara has some great points. I would ask a lot of questions about the dynamics between the siblings. Have they always lived together? Did they all experience the same level of neglect/abuse etc? Do they have healthy relationships with each other? One thing we had to teach our kids was how to bond together as they hadn't ever been taught the importance of family/siblings. My dd (2nd oldest) ruled the roost and my oldest boy did everything she said. They both ignored the 2 younger boys completely, and there were just a lot of different dynamics going on. For example, in your home now, I'm willing to bet that if a younger child gets hurt, one of the older kids will respond to that in some way? Either by helping their sibling or coming to get you etc. When my kids first came, they had no idea this was something they should do. So I would get a clearer picture of their relationships together so you can better determine if it's a good fit with your kids. If one child is the caretaker of the bunch, be prepared to "compete" with that. If they are very close and depend only on each other because that is how they've survived, be prepared to work on that too. I would also say that a sibling group adjusting to new kids isn't necessarily easier than a single child addition. Simply because they might not have had any exposure to other kids and their social skills might not be developed as far along as other kids. My kids would be in a group of kids and for awhile, they stuck together at all times. This was difficult for other kids not understanding that it wasn't personal, they just never had the opportunity for playdates etc. I too, do not advise against a sibling adoption, just saying be aware of things and truly know what you can handle, what your kids can handle and how you'll plan to respond to situations. I also would find out if there is any sexual abuse/acting out at all, because your kids are so young.

We definitely had a parentified oldest daughter, and she did not know how to let go of being the mom of her sibs. Undermining us was an issue, but it was often subtle, other times was quite obvious. Sexual abuse/acting out is important to find out about as well, but the hard part is that sometimes the kids never tell about this type of thing until months or years after the adoption (for fear of losing parents). In our case, we had the opposite issue, years of (unknown) violent & sexual abuse left our kids VERY socially savvy - they were hyper-aware of everything, but very able to hide their fear/feelings and act the way they thought we wanted (as 'model' kids) for a year or two - then things got much more difficult once they finally relaxed and realised that we were not like that. Once that deep awareness set in, the secrets came out (and all the PTSD and trauma and behaviors). I am NOT saying this to scare you - but to urge you to be prepared that you cannot & will not necessarily know everything prior to the adopt. In some ways, I would say it is better to be told a child as SA issues and that it is known, than to think this has not happened and then deal with fallout when they are a lot older, as has happend with us. To help with this (and even if it turns out this is not the case for you) I strongly recommend to find good therapists right away (please see my post on 'how to find a good therapist' thread) and even if it does not seem necessary, go anyway, with both your new additions and current child, as they will all, at the least, need help with the adjustment, and won't necessarily be able to verbalize the need. Also, if there is any way to do so, make sure to have a different therapist for each child, as there are issues with sharing therapists that the kids won't be able to verbalize for some time, esp if there are secrets they aren't ready to tell/deal with yet. Sadly, there are many cases where there was child-on-child abuse, as the kids were not receiving the supervision/parenting they needed, which is why they are in FC. If this has occurred, they won't feel comfortable telling a shared therapist anything about this, resulting in delays for them to get the help they need. This becomes more important as each child gets older - each child needs his/her own advocate.

Everyone has great advice. We initially started out looking for a sibling group and I think it is great that you are adding to your family this way. However, you have children in the home already and your first priority is to them so PLEASE research and investigate. Through a failed placement of two teenage sibs and these boards we learned a lot about what to look for and how issues and even certain words in a case file translate into behaviors in the home and how those behaviors could affect children already in the home. I would suggest going to the special needs & attachment forum and the older child adoption forum (under adoptive parents) for advice and to see what other people have experienced. Specifically, keep in mind RAD. I am not saying these kids have problems but it will be better to have all the info you can get ahead of time since you already have children in the home. Congratulations if this is the group for you! And I hope it is. But if ANYTHING in their files raises red flags--do NOT put your other children at risk until you fully investigate and research. And keep in mind you may have to read between the lines as case files are generally incomplete and take all representations with a grain of salt (their first priority is to place). We allowed the cw to dismiss certain things in the file that we felt indicated a placement beyond our capabilities and learned the hard way that those issues were real, dangerous and completely unaddressed during the entire time in care. We felt terrible because we would have saved everyone (including the kids) a lot of heartache if we had seen these boards before and had the confidence to listen to our instincts and the minimal research we had done. We were lucky that we did not have any children in the home to worry about. This may sound harsh but the risks to your children are real and, from what I have read on these boards, can be quite severe.

Thanks for all the advice! Although we didn't get the group we were hoping for, we are still hoping for a sibling group sometime in the near future. Right now we are doing respite care for a 2 month old from today until a week from tomorrow. It's our first placement and I'm already enjoying it! Jess

THere are so many abreviations used in these forums. Some I have figured out and many are still unknown. What is RAD?

Reactive attachment disorder

Scrapathome: I think you need to think of your own biological children first (you have a newborn, right?) before you bring in a sibling group that can mix with your own children. What about birth order? What about all the emotional needs the kids will have? These kids will need alot of attention and may not just "fit" it right away. It will take time and bringing in a sibling group with your own young children may be a huge task. I am not trying to discourage you, but sibling groups can be challenging. What age groups are you looking for?